Saturday, January 12, 2008

I love Logan but I never get to see him much. In spite of his annoying smile. Actually it's not, it's nice. To a point. Depending on how high my lust for killing is when I see him. I may only maim him although that doesn't seem painful enough. I wonder if Logan would mind being chopped to piieces, skewered and then his bone marrow used as bird carrion.

For those whom aren't family reading this let me explain. Nope, I won't, I don't have to explain myself. One has to be a Storm to understand me and even then it's iffy. I love my family that is all I care about. Certainly I want some of them to be chopped up, isn't that normal for any family? If it isn't it should be.
Jesse Green from the New York Times looks at my blog every day so I can't give it up. It's a tradition. Certainly I won't mention my employer's name any more. I forgot that I shouldn't

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Winter Blahs

Hey, it's the dead of winter and it's been snowing every day for two months and I miss sunshine and it's always dark and I'm tired of people saying: "I'm getting sick of winter" and etc., etc., etc. Here's a few Jerry Seinfeld jokes that I like and they brought me a chuckle.

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

"No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait 'til them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff."

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Horse racing... now here's something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don't even think the horses know they're racing. It's not like they're going back to the barn going "I was first" "I was second" cut me off there, watch that, next time I'll kick your ass." I'll tell you one thing the horses don't know--that if they fall and break their leg, we're gonna blow their brains out. I think they're missing that vital piece of information... if they did know, you'd see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch.

My favourite Steven Wright sayings

When I turned two I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, "If this keeps up, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety."

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

No one is listening until you make a mistake/success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Oh yeah!!!!!!!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

A woman of few words

A woman went into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died.’”

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown dead. 1983 pick-up for sale.‘“

Deathbed wish

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

What's with the snow? Sheesh, Toronto had a record of +15 yesterday. I know, it's winter but agh I'm tired of it.

I'm watching CNN and Hillary is winning the New Hampshire primary. Yay, I like her but I do like Obama too. Hard to believe that a women or a black person could very well be the next President of the U.S.A.

See you all soon.

Friday, January 04, 2008

I got coffee beans and a coffee grinder from Ger and Karri for Christmas. Gawd this coffee is good. For those who love coffee like I do, it really is the only way to go.

Colin and I went over to Kev's last night to watch the hockey game (it was on pay tv). We had veal cutlets and Kraft Dinner for supper. Wow that was good, I may have to upgrade my opinion of Kevin slightly. From completely inept to almost always inept.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Another branch of the Storm family is Jen. I like people who like the colour black. I get along with them pretty good.

I can't imagine a life without Karri-woman, Kerry-man, Jen, Tiana, Anita, and Brenda. They are all great.

Before I get into trouble I'm going to bed. Yes it was nice to see you all together and planning a trip. To possibly imagine Jim, Ger, Kevin and Julie together on a holiday is something I thought I'd never see.

You all deserve it so much, being a Storm is not easy because we aren't normal. And I know everyone has got their own ideas of what is fun. But think of what you have been through and realize that it's now or never: Jim is going to get the flu, Kevin's blood will be smeered about, Ger's fist will be aching and Julie will be dancing with the band. Maybe not in that order but pretty well.

I guess I love you four a little bit. I just wish Roy and Anna could have given you better manners. No not really, they did good. They could have done so much better. Sometimes I've wanted to kill you all and drop you from a skyscraper but I always had my mothers genes in me which said: If you kill them you'll go to prison; which held me back somewhat. If I had to choose, I'd kill Kevin and Jim first. Get them out of the way and then concentrate on Julie and Ger. I'm not good at holding a grudge so I'll just garrrott them in their sleep and be on my way.

Of course I have to eat well, I've got more planning to do. Julie can cook and Ger can cook and Jim cook. Kevin is useless. He's gone, and then I'll decide.

Thanks all, I love you.

uncle d

Pictured are the survivors of the trip to Mexico. They washed up on shore and a fisherman phoned me and said: "Senor I've got three people who washed ashore and they gave me your number" "Their names?" "Julee, Karee and Neetee" "I don't recognize those names, are they cute?" "No Senor"

"are they annoying?" "si"

"are they loud?" "si"

"how much are you going to give me for taking them? "many pesos" "how many?" "millions" "billions?" "si"

Two carpenters

Carpenters are actually people. It took me a while to realize that. I always thought they were monks with hammers. The gentlemen in this picture are not monks nor have I actually seen them with a hammer.
Just a hint: Don't ask them about saws, they'll go on forever, they aren't bad people.

This is one branch of the Storm family. I'd normally turn them in and collect the reward money but Cody the Cat is in the picture so won't.
This branch of the family likes to live in small towns and thrives in the underbrush. The alpha male on the left particularly likes to fall off his chair and annoy everyone as do baboons, monkeys, etc.
There is the neanderthals and then there is this group of humanoids. I'd take the neanderthals most of the time. Although this branch of the family is cute, they are very dangerous. Approach with caution.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Did I mention how good Julie's Christmas Day meal was? I don't think I've had any better. And I also feel completely comfortable going to Julie's place. Logan is a little annoying - actually no he's not, he's the best and he's always got a smile (mischevious though it is).

Someone bought me three pairs of Toronto Maple Leaf socks. I'm wearing a pair and they lost six to one to the New York Rangers. So it will be a frosty day in hell before I wear them again. I'm certainly not wearing them during a Leaf game. And I wore a Canuck cap the other day and guess who lost? The Canucks.

So myself, Kevin and Tyler now have digital cameras. Guess who isn't going to take pictures? Kevin. Gawd, the three of us were in Grannies today eating and Kevin noticed that someone parked too close behind the Rav. He stood up and was ready to run out of the restaurant and attack whoever did it. He needs to take several hundred anger management courses. He couldn't survive in Toronto, he'd be shot, bludgeoned and stabbed to death fairly quickly. But I can understand it, ooh gawd I get it.

I'm reading sci-fi again. Thank you Julie.