Saturday, December 29, 2007

Did I mention how good Julie's Christmas Day meal was? I don't think I've had any better. And I also feel completely comfortable going to Julie's place. Logan is a little annoying - actually no he's not, he's the best and he's always got a smile (mischevious though it is).

Someone bought me three pairs of Toronto Maple Leaf socks. I'm wearing a pair and they lost six to one to the New York Rangers. So it will be a frosty day in hell before I wear them again. I'm certainly not wearing them during a Leaf game. And I wore a Canuck cap the other day and guess who lost? The Canucks.

So myself, Kevin and Tyler now have digital cameras. Guess who isn't going to take pictures? Kevin. Gawd, the three of us were in Grannies today eating and Kevin noticed that someone parked too close behind the Rav. He stood up and was ready to run out of the restaurant and attack whoever did it. He needs to take several hundred anger management courses. He couldn't survive in Toronto, he'd be shot, bludgeoned and stabbed to death fairly quickly. But I can understand it, ooh gawd I get it.

I'm reading sci-fi again. Thank you Julie.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

the family from hell

This is the first time I've published a video on my blog. Let me know if you can see it. It's a short one. So I'm taking a picture on Christmas Eve with my new digital camera and Kevin opens a bottle of champagne and aims the cork at me. Hello. that scared me a bit. I'm going to kill him. When? Soon.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas was good. My family is too good to me in every which way. It's a little overwhelming. I was completely surrounded by the persons I love the most. Even Louie loved me.

Roy and Anna? "yes don" "Can I make a few suggestions on the way you should have brought up your kids, you born them" "Roy is napping at the moment but I'll listen to you" "Anna, Jimmy has a problem". "with what?" "he really hasn't grown up" "that's bad?" "no it isn't and I've never, ever seen him without a smile and I've never heard him say anything bad about anyone" "so what did we do wrong?" "okay I'll give you that, the first one turned out okay, it was a fluke". "Ger seems okay don" "Ger thinks you and Roy ignored him because he wasn't the first" "that's a misconception, I was just a little tired after lugging him around and we took him everywhere, I should have gotten a medal, I didn't have the energy to take pictures" "I don't have to tell this but Anna he's more like me than anyone else" "I should have killed him" "no, meaning he's kind, generous and wierd" "that would be you" "hmm, I remember that you guys were were great parents, so why did you have any more?" "we wanted a girl" "Kevin isn't a girl" "no he isn't" "were you disappointed Anna?" "I was a bit" "So Anna why did you let him get away with pretty well anything he wanted to?" "normally I didn't, they didn't get away with a lot and they worked their asses off but you know Don, you have to give them leeway and Kevin took it like no other kid could do." "and to watch them think they could out-scheme us was fun"

"And then you had Julie, was that fun?" "no it wasn't but it was worth it" "in what way?" "Roy had a daughter and I was finished raising kids" "Anna, my mother held Julie and my mother was a saint" "Don, Julie has been through it all and she's raised three great kids" "and Anna, she's back with who she should be with"

"And how were my sons and daughter on this christmas day?" "well Anna you get them all together with Anita, Kerri, Karry and Brenda and it's going to be a good time. Along with the kids. It's loud, boisterious and tremendously noisy" "but I'm home, and they all make feel so at home, you and Roy would be proud of them"

"we are playing ping pong up here" "okay I'll kill myself and join you soon"

Yay hah,


Sunday, December 23, 2007

Hey, my blog just got it's 1,000th hit. Who would have thought?
I'm making spaghetti for supper so I'm into the vino. The beer certainly wasn't going down very well. And the 'Nucks are playing and Terry Rendek phoned and said I don't have to work tomorrow, so life is good. I still have Christmas wrapping to do but I'll do it tomorrow.

I talked to Jim and Brenda last night, it had to be about midnight when they phoned and I have no idea what we talked about. I was up at Kevin's last night and got a ride home with Colin. What a nice new truck he bought, unbelievable.

I had lunch at Jimmy's Pub today and ran into Robin and Karen. They were there with their hockey teams but I did talk to Robin for a bit. They are all going to Donna's for Christmas Dinner. I guess Neil is trying to arrange a ski outing to Fernie in February and Robin would like it if Jim, Kevin, Julie, and Ger and spouses could go so he will probably be phoning sometime in the new year.

I've had a cold or something for the last month or more and have been feeling lousy but I'm feeling better, it could my sinuses or I'm dying. It felt like it at times. Gerry survived, so I guess I will too. So what will 2008 be like for the Storm family? I'm pretty sure someone will drive off a cliff or suffer calamitous injuries of some sort. Let's try to make it until the canoe trip. I may start up a monestary and we'll live in it and never go out. We'll eat bread and drink wine while we play Trivial Pursuit all day. Actually that doesn't so bad.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007's snowing. Do we need six feet of snow for Christmas? Although I see the forecast indicates rain for tomorrow. I guess I must be in Creston. I went to Julie's for supper last night (yummy). I go to the bank today (I had today off) and Colin walks in. And so we had coffee and drove around a bit. In some ways Creston is a little bit like heaven for me.

Although I've noticed there is some wierd people in this town. Quite a few actually. Many. And I still can't get over how nice people are. Unbelievable.

Yes, it will be a Christmas. For all of us it will be quite a gap not having Roy in attendance. I presume no one will let me die for a few years. Hello. Put me on life support if you have to. In a vegetative state if necessary. I really haven't felt that great since I turned forty-two. And that's twenty years ago. All I need to do is get through winter. Think about it. A person is sixty-two so I've had to endure sixty-two winters. Some in Creston, some in Calgary, some in Rocky Mountain House and some in Toronto. Every single one of them was bad. I think I'm a Jamaican. It got mixed up somehow. I love warmth.

Jim: "I hate hot weather, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it." Uncle D: "are you crazy, you *&&^%*&^% person. If you weren't Roy's eldest I'd kill you right now". "In what way?" "a chainsaw" "a chainsaw?" "yes and then fly both halves of your bod over the North Pole and drop both of them onto the tundra." "I don't think there is any tundra at the North Pole" "I'll find some"

"Donald?" "what God?" "Im gonna take you soon, do you have any last requests?" "yes about a million of them" "you get three and I'm being kind" "three?" "And I'm in a bad mood so make it snappy" "I'd like to collect old age pension for forty-five years" "no one has ever done that, why should I grant you that?" "because it will drive all the insurance adjusters crazy" "that would be good, your second wish?" "On my 100th birthday I would like to kill someone" "whom?" "anyone really, I'll be really cranky so it doesn't matter, anyone will do" "And your third wish?" "I'd like to fly" "where?" "anywhere" "whaddya mean anywhere?" "I want to be a bird and fly, south I guess" "you can't fly south" "what do you mean God, all birds fly south where it's warm" "Not all birds fly south" "I want to be a goose and fly in the v formation." "you can't" "why not?" "the problem being Don is that it's all booked up." "I can't fly south?" "no you can go north"

"God?" "yes Don" I don't want to collect old age pension for forty-five years" "no?" "I don't want to turn into a bird and fly south" "no?" "can I can kill someone?" "no" So you want me to stick around here for a while and keep an eye on the family?" "yes" "do I get paid for this?" "oh yes, you will get paid" "how much?" "you will find out, there is no currency in heaven" "but I'm not in heaven yet" "I haven't figured out the Storms yet, Roy, Anna and Marlene are up here making all the angels feel bettter about themselves (which they didn't need by the way)."

"How is Anna God?" "she is a little annoying" "in what way?" "Donald there is no smoking and drinking up here and Anna found the key to the fridge and she keeps complaining about the beer not being cold and she keeps butting out her cigarettes on the pure, white clouds which Mother Teresa is getting annoyed at" "and Roy? "I don't know, he's napping" "and Marlene?" "she's not bad, she's looking after the angel's kids while the angels are learning to hover" "so you don't need me for a while?" "no, look after them down there for a while, it's a little too crowded up here at the moment, we can only take so many Storms at one time" "how are Mom and Dad?" "your Mom is refereeing the annual angel food cake bake-off and your Dad is filing saws for the Late but Great Sawmill Society of the Northern Constellation" "they have sawmills up there?" "no but he made us buy a green chain and it's been noisy ever since"
"God can I give you a heads up?" "certainly" "eventually you are going to be getting Jim, Ger, Julie and Kevin" "so?" "are you sitting down?" "yes" "your life is going to be hell" "in what way?" "Jim is going to want to hunt" "hunt what?" "elk" "that is a different heaven, we don't have elk here" "and Ger is going to want to kill geese" "what's a geese, that's not my department" "and Kevin is going to want to kill cats and dogs" "there is no killing in heaven" "and Julie doesn't kill animals but she cooks them" "we don't cook up here we have take out" "and of course I'll precede them in arrving up there and I'm very impatient, in fact I fly off the handle when I have to use a can opener"
"Donald there is hell" "have you ever turned down a Storm from heaven?" "my hands are tied, I've been informed I can't" "by whom?" "oh their is a Storm on the Heavenly Board of Directors, it's really annoying but He has the final say" "you have a boss?" "it's the new chain of command" "we are doing okay down here, let's keep it this way for awhile, we are not perfect but as the Great Grand Poobah of the Storm family I will vouch for them" "okay but you have no control over them" "true" "you have none, nil, and zero control over them" "no that's true, they wouldn't follow my advice if it hit them in the head" "the point being?" "they are cute, is that enough?" "maybe just this once, have a good Christmas Donald, you deserve it"
"thanks God"

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


I'm fairly enthustiac about Christmas this year. I get it somewhat. I hear Ger and Kevin being 'grinches' but I think they like it too. I love the family get-together thing. It used be that Christmas was about family, food and frivolity. I think Coco-Cola ruined it, they brought in the cute Santa Claus more or less to the North American public and then the commercialism set in.

Thank you all for making me feel at home,

Sunday, December 09, 2007

So I wear my Comfort Pioneer underwear up to Kevin's and Anita's. Why did I wear longjohns up there? I guess I wanted a heart attack. And several other layer's of clothing. It was warm. Remind me not to do that again.

I could be so wrong, but there might be a new Max. Probably not. I'd hate to see everything I predict happen. I like to be wrong once in a while. So far I've been correct in everything: I can predict the Storms. Are Storms nice? Let me think about that one. I am. But would you want to run into any of them in a dark alley. Yes I guess I would. Bad question. Would you like to have them run the United Nations? Yes. Would you trust then with your life? Yes. Are you a good writer Uncle Don? Yes, but I need encouragement. I need everyone's help. What a presumptious thing to say but I'm pretty good. Jesse from the New York Times thinks I'm okay.

My dialogue between him and me is slighty different between me and you guys. Obviously it would be, I keep abreast of the Broadway shows he reviews. I never know if you all believe me or not and the last thing I care about is if you do or not. I've got a few friends out there. What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to dumb down? Russ from c-jay in Calgary wants to see me and have a beer. I'm smart and I'd like to show it. I really would like to show it. I don't know how I do that. I'll kill you all first . Slowly. If one adds the usual annoyances.

First of all I kill Jim, and use his bod as a something or another, I'll figure it out;
Ger is the second to go. I think he should be shot or crucified. Whatever the intense pain will be isn't intense enough.
Kevin will be shot, shot, killed, quartered and his bod will be flayed. and his bod will be displayed in a museum in complete agony.
Julie's bod will be used as a recepticle. She's cute so maybe not. I'd prefer to use her head as a bookmark but I don't think that will work. `

Anita and Tyler are very excited about Christmas, I'm pleased about that.

Uncle D

Saturday, December 08, 2007

I thought I would change when I arrived in Creston. But I'm even more clutzy than I was in Toronto. It's too gruesome to explain. Why can't I open a coffee can and pour the coffee into a container without spilling almost all of it on the kitchen floor.

Kerri gave me a crock pot. I made a delicious meal but it's too spicy for me think. It's a cajun recipe I got off the internet. I guess have I should have got the hint when they asked for a lot of red pepper and a massive amount of ginger. It's a chicken apricot meal. It's tastes like cajun food which of course is great but my tastes buds are crying out in pain. I think I'll do beef stew next time. But what an amazing piece of cookery. I'll be using it a lot. And I bought flour. I've never bought flour in my life. It tastes so good, heartburn hotel.

Friday, December 07, 2007

So things are coming out about moi that I didn't know about. Kevin says I tend to fly off the handle when things don't go my way (e.g. doing my seat belt up). Oh yeah, I don't have much patience with seat belts. And both Anita and Kevin say I'm a poor loser. Possibly. I might throw things. But really, I don't know of anyone whom likes to lose. I just take it a little harder than most. Show me a good loser and I'll show you an idiot. When I'm 99.5 years old I'm still going to hate losing (when I'm 100 I'll mellow out).

Saw Justin and Shayna's child tonight. Cutest kid in the history of mankind. And Karri. She is so good to me. And Ger, what a nice (and certainly odd) nephew.

Uncle D's Top Ten Annoyances:

10. Slow drivers (I don't mind slow drivers that much)

09. Clerks in Overwaitea that talk while 6,000 persons are waiting in line.

08. Anita, whom says she is patient, isn't on the road. Hello. See Kevin below.

07. Kevin who will at the drop of a hat resorts to violence when confronted with slow drivers (if you have to be with him in a vehicle, batten the hatches, several times, while driving he's turned the lights off and scared me to death which he seems to enjoy, I get so angry. See guillitine instructions below). I'm putting a time bomb in his stocking which will go off when he tries to scare me again.

06. Tyler, see above altough he's a little bit better. At least he doesn't turn his headlights off in the dark.

05. Colin, see above, although Colin is a little bit better. He hasn't injured me yet. When one is with Colin be prepared for anything. He's a clutz. But he's cute clutz.

04. Guillitine instructions: Put a black head cover over head. Put a muzzle into mouth of guillitinee so the screaming doesn't disrupt the frenzied crowd. Check rope for frays. Sharpen guillitine. Drop guillitine on neck. Pick up the head and display it to the frenzied mob. Put both head and body in a box and take it to morgue. Go home to wife and have a pleasant supper.

03. Walmart, that place is not my thing, never will be.

02. Duke the dog. But he's coming around so I'm sure he will be okay.

01. Me.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Stocking stuffers:

I will buy the following:

A patridge in a pear tree: not only have I never seen a partridge, why would look for one in a pear tree? Okay I'll pass that one by.

Two turtle doves? First of all what is a turtle dove? And second of all who would want one much less two of them.

Three French hens: At least this sounds yummy, but I'm not going to France to get three of them. You are all getting a Canadian English hen and they will be alive so good luck.

Four calling birds: I hate fowl now. And anyway, if I knew what they were, I stuff them in a stocking? I hate birds.

Five golden rings: Now we are getting somewhere. Although at gold's prices now-a-days that could cost me $5,498,978.87. How about one golden ring, two silver one and and two bronze ones.

Six Geese-A-Laying: We are back to the fowl thing. If they are laying eggs that's not bad. I've had a goose egg but I wouldn't want six of them laying eggs at the same time.

Seven Swans a Swimming: I have a menagrie of fowl. You are all getting Fench hens, geese, calling birds, swans, etc. Kill them at your leisure. And when you get seven swans in your Christmas stocking don't come grousing to me.

Eight Maids a-Milking: That doesn't sound so bad. How I'll stuff eight of them in a stocking is a good question. What if they don't know how to milk? So much pressure.

Nine whom? Ladies dancing? Can the maids a milking overlap with the dancing ladies? I don't think I can get this many milking maids and dancing girls together at one time.

Ten Lords a Leaping? Hello. Whom would want ten men in a stocking? And leaping?

Eleven Pipers Piping: what else is a pickled piper who picked a porked pickled porkhock gonna do, but eleven of them? agh

Twelve Drummers Drumming: What else are drummers going do do. Presumably they should drum. Twelve seems excessive but what do I know? Drums get on my nerves very quickly. Can we have a picolo in there somewhere? Perahaps a harp? If one stuffs twelve drummers in a stocking I don't think the result will be the best.

I remember this picture being taken, I was annoyed that I was in the middle and Bob briefly quit bawling.
Yes I guess he was cute. Look at Roy and Marlene. There is handsomeness and beauty. And mom of course, egads she was beautiful.
I just spent four hours with Robin. I could see so much Storm in him (a lot of the Douville clan too of course).
This picture may be the most heartwarming of my life, thank you Ger and Ker for sending it to me.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Dear Diary (or a to do list):
Logan must be in his socking feet, I thought he was taller than me.I note that I like the colour black. I don't know why but I need the colour black around me. I went to the Bargain Shop (it could have been somewhere else) and I had choice of tan or black. I look better in black.
And then there is the cuties. If those two aren't direct descendants of Storms, I don't know who is.
I just talked to Log on the phone. Imasco Christmas party tomorrow night.
Ger phoned Kev re: me. Hello, I can look after myself although it's nice to be spoiled.
Ger picking me up on Sunday (reminder: kick someone in the crotch).
Kill Kevin at first opportunity - He can be annoying. After having lived at Kevin and Anita's place this summer I side with Anita.
Buy a sharp knife to kill any relative who sings 'O Holy Night"
Rent a guillotine for Boxing Day and use it is to behead anyone whom annoys me, which will be most of mankind.
Kill Jim. No explanation needed.
Use my new pen knife on Ger and carve a tatoo of the Sistine Chapel on his forehead.
Buy a mobile torture chamber and use it for get-away-weekends.
So, I'm going to to be renting, buying and killing. Or not.
Love you all,
Uncle d