Father and Grandfather To-be

Actually Justin looks okay, it's Ger whom looks bleary-eyed and somewhat frazzled.

so I spent the day with greg whom should get a medal for bravery in the line of fire. Why uncle don? Because I'm crazy. In what way? I thought I should dress up today and I haven't slept for three days. Three days? well, quite a long time. What is your normal routine? Up at 4am, breakfast and a bike to work, home at six, bed by nine. So this week off has been quite a disruption. Slightly. You didn't go to Creston to honour Roy. It felt like I did. And you are moving to Creston? Yes. Explain this again, you took the week off, didn't go to Creston, and haven't slept for several days and you talked to Bonnie, Laurie and Derek yesterday and heard Olivia in the background? At Kevins. I know it sounds implausible.

You are mad, completely off your rocker, and in need of mental help. I know that Dr. Morgenstern but what do I do about it. Reduce your alcohol intake, get lots of exercise and pray. I've already done that. You have a problem.

uncle don? "yes?" did you actually talk to Derek, Bonnie, Laurie, Justin and Jaimie yesterday? "it seems so" that's impossible. "that's what I would have thought, and I could hear Olivia in the background, and what's even more improbable Bob and Lorraine were with Kerri in the States" so your heart sings? "oh yeah, and that just tells you how much Roy was loved, and guess what, the knot in my stomach seems to have disappeared temporarily" Temporarily? "well yes, I still have to move and that could cause an ulcer or two or three" so uncle don what are you going to take with you? "I don't know, I'll probably end up arriving in Creston with a guitar and and a backpack, I should have a been a hobo" and a lot of memories of Toronto? "yes, that I'll have, unbelievable really, it's been quite a journey" and you are so quiet "I know, why things happen to me is beyond me, I try to keep under the radar"

uncle don, so what will be your first enactment as the Great, Great Grand Poobah? "the world, universe and several galaxies gets every Mondays off" And then? "I'll have a chat with Ger and Kev" about what? "annoying me" annoying youm? "and I'll point out to them that if they annoy me too much I'll firebomb the lunchroom at Comfort's and change the name of the business to Painfort's" I thought they were cute uncle don? "well they are but I may have to weld Ger to a logging truck which is about to take off for points unknown" and Kevin? "this could get complicated" complicated? "well yes, how does one torture an individual enough whom can raise an eyebrow and make one want to jump off a tall building.

But you will mow the lawn won't you uncle don? "no one realizes how much I'm looking forward to mowing the lawn" what else will you look forward to? "being with Anita and discussing the flora and fauna" As I write this, I feel so inadequate because I'm never going to be able to live up to the Storm/Douville high standards. Not a chance. I can't do it. And especially since I've realized I can write good which is only lately (the last six seconds probably). But I've noticed that in talking to Ger and Kev, my creativeness is better. I need to get out and about again. I suppose biking and being with persons at Market Probe is good but my forte is writing about family. You seem to be doing okay. Yes, but I can't believe some of the things that are happening out there. I've got to be there. In what regards? If I listed them I'd run out of room on the computer. Suffice to say wow.

Yes, Greg asked me how can I move from downtown Toronto to Creston. I had no answer really. How I can tell him that my family is the most precious thing in the world that belies talking about. I've noticed that here in Toronto, they don't quite 'get' it. Okay I slightly might be forgetful (which I'll dispute until I'm buried).

Persons in Toronto don't let me lift heavy objects and/or pamper me a touch. Which I don't mind but really it get's annoying. Is there an opening for a heavy-duty mechanic at Painfort's (I mean Comforts). I love grease as long as I don't get any of it me. Several times I've wanted to hug Ger upon arrival but couldn't: So I will arrive at Comforts on my bike in blue velcro with a helmet on: uncle don, whom are you? I'm your uncle? "you look like a blue popsickle" I resent that, blue is my favourite colour and I'm here to lift some heavy objects, where are they? "out back" "any beer in the fridge, I'll have one while I'm thinking about how long I'll be laid up due to back spasms and external injuries" "and by the way whom is taking me home for supper?" "you haven't lifted a finger yet uncle don"

So I go see Kevin. Kev? what? Ger is annoying so I used a flare nut wrench on his extremities and now he is incapacitated for six or seven years. How are you? I'm busy. You are busy? I'm busy. Let me take notes, in what way are you busy, you look idle to me. I'm thinking. About what? The price of wire cutters in Chicago, by the way, you look like a blue popsicle, what's with the velcro? When I hang your bod from a rafter and use your bod as a training ground for commandos, I'm hoping you will understand while you scream for mercy at the top your lungs.

uncle don? why are you able to write so well about pain? I hadn't thought about it but I presume it's because I have annoying relatives who ask silly questions.

Their could be a better pic of two persons who love each other but I don't know where. And Julie has ten million faults, but that is my niece and she looks awfully cute to me. I don't know how you don't get cute out of Julie. Note Roy's white socks and slippers. I wear grey socks and slippers, I'm slighty more fashion concious. And I now wear slippers at work. I'm the only person whom wears slippers at Market Probe in their history of inception. Me and Roy knew/know how important it is/was to have comfy piggly wigglies''

When I look at this picture, I see a lot of Dad in Roy. Nothing wrong with that, it can be a good thing, I don't know why I grieve so much. I don't have a picture of Marlene (the greatest person in the history of mankind and beyond). My grief knows no bounds because I can understand what you've all had to go through, I didn't want you all to suffer but you have.

If I have anything to do with it (which I don't) not a single one of you willl suffer again. Ever.

uncle don?: "this had better be important" "in some complicated, insane way, I think your family loves you" "you've been drinking too much, not a chance" "they might" "I'm broke, don't have a dime to my name and if needed I'd used all my nephews' hips bones as a bridge across the tundra" "that hasn't seemed to deter them" "Hi hate neil, robin, jim, ger and kev and several others" "really" "in a cute way" "how can you hate persons persons in a cute way?" "I may be the only person in the history of makind whom can do that" "so you will have to kill one of them in order for your threats to seem plausible, whom do you choose as an example?"


"Justin?" "Justin" "I thought you loved Justin" "Well I do, but I'm thinking of his putrid, bloated bod floating upside down in and among the fronds and a grin comes to my face" "If Justin decides to flee whom would be your second choice be to kill? "It would be easy to say Colin, although I might have already used his bod on a spit at Walmart demonstrating the do's and don't of barbecuing humans, so maybe Tyler" "Tyler" "I thought you loved Tyler" "well I do but I'm thinking of using his bod as an example of how an uncle can torture family but yet receive sympathy from the rest of the world"

"you haven't mentioned Ger, uncle don" "I don't want to be overt, and I haven't yet figured out how to slice his bod up into a million pieces without it losing its charm" "uncle don?" "what" "Kevin has been egging you on lately" "a little, he gives me ideas, I need ideas" "perhaps he's giving you bad ideas" "I can't imagine how, a writer needs new ideas and if it involves torture, I can't imagine that being a bad thing"

"so uncle don, when you move to Creston and perhaps live at Kevin's, how will you cope?" "with whom" "Kevin" "he''s cute isn't he but I assume he'll buy me a large dog with huge fangs dripping with saliva whom I'll train to kill small, white, wiry humans at first sight" "that sounds like Kevin" "it's a coincidence"

"uncle don?" "oh gawd not you again, can't you leave me alone for a moment?" "remember when you were complaining about cold weather?" "maybe" "so Toronto is going to break a record today for heat and humidity and smog" "not a moment too soon" "elderly persons are being carted away in droves and I note your heart is beating at a rapid pace and if your pulse was any weaker it would be non-existant" "I love this weather" "and there is sweat coming out of your tonsils" "I had them taken out" "okay gonads, but you can't complain can you?" "Why can't Toronto ever be moderate, just once, I was freezing two days ago"

I've had a knot in my stomach for a long time now, knowing that Roy is going. And as Bob says: "we need to stick together, our ranks are getting thin" So bob is now appointed the Great, Great Poobah because I decline. Bob will be good at it.

Of course, if I was to talk about Roy it would be different than anyone else. "we got a tv bob, Roy bought one?" "yes, he did, they went up to Parsons he went worked all summer and him and Dad came back. Hey, Bob, I missed Roy and Dad so much. and so did you (although you probably didn't know it because you were cute).

I watched Roy a few times in his prime. And so did Mom: "Roy, quit, you're aren't that good" as Roy poked playfully poked mom in the ribs. Only Roy could do that. If I did that, I'd be flung across the hallway. Roy was special. Dad thought those so, Bert thought so, Leo did and Bob and I thought so. Roy looked after us. And Marlene and Mom certainly thought Roy was special.

And so me and Bob watched "what's cooking" from Spokane. I actually remember dad and mom and me and bob listening to radio. We had a big radio and we listened to "the creaking door", the "green hornet" and other radio shows. "mom?" "yes?" It 's Monday, why do you have to iron every Monday?"

I was wierd from day one. Even today, people note how quiet I am and think I'm dumb. I adhere to Dad's theory: "if you don't have nothing to say, why say it" Someone said that to me last week: why are you so quiet don?. I couldn't answer him. Those "in the know" at work get me. I don't think you guys get me, perhaps, I don't do crap. I've spent all my life listening to it. I don't care anymore about that.

But when I hear it, I will continue to listen respectfully, just don't expect me to react. I can detect B.S. from a mile away and when I hear it I tune it out. Everyone can B.S. me all they want. Just know that if I think it's B.S. then I turn you off. You will never notice but my mind will be elswhere and thinking about something else before you can blink. Although my family can hold me at attention:

Unlce don, you have a boring family even though they are cute. They may not be boring. Thank good gawd they are the least boring persons on the face of earth. Uncle don, would you perhaps have them less boring? I'm thinking about it. They aren't quite as exciting as I would have hoped but yet they have a certain cache about them.


Wouldn't that be nice, but they are too boring. Look at Jim for example, I've seen more actve corpses.

The roving reporter

Maybe life will turn out to be the way it should be. It wouldn't bother me to rove when I get to Creston. The old fashioned way, I don't watch tv and I'm terrible at darts but I'm really interested in people, especially if they are related to me. And I'm almost positive I'll bike to Alberta to see Bob and Lorraine and Neil and Kim at least once. They are the lucky ones, they will live far away.

Kevin has put something in my mind. You don't think I won't want to stop in at Comforts and visit with Ger and be ignored by Kevin. And visit with Robin at least once a week while he's 'working' (we all know he doesn't really work). We could have a koffee klatch. And Leo, I'd be at his place and we'd talk about old war wounds. I don't find being sixy-one that old. Sometimes I do. And Robin and Karen are celebrating their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary:

"Wow, yes, time does fly. I remember when us kids put on a little party for Mom and Dad's 25th, and they seemed old then. I don't feel old - well, not usually.
We went to the concert at the Rec Center here last night - they had Aaron Pritchett for the Blossom Fest.
We are heading down to Idaho tomorrow for a 4-5 day golfing holiday for our anniversary.
I'm so going to kick someone's ass - not anyone in particular - could be someone just moving out here to God's Country.
Going to get some yard work done today before we take off. Have to pick up Colleen from the airport at 6. She's been in Winnipeg the last week and half at a varsity club tournament and she was asked to stay on for the National team ID camp. Pretty heady stuff.
See you when you get here
Robin"

I must admit I love family. And of course now Robin thinks he's a good golfer. And I think Ger does to. Can a roving reporter whom can golf circles around them be dispassionate? I'll pat them on the back as I stride off the green. Can a roving reporter be a serial killer? When I golf with Kevin I'm not uptight but get me on the golf course with Ger and all my senses become attuned to competitiveness. It's probably because Kev is n0t a good golfer, he's rather irratic. Kevin is the only person I cheer for on the golf course. In my life, I've never seen anyone hit worse shots. And of course when Kevin hits a bad shot (which 99.99% of the time is off the first tee) he gets mad. Kevin can throw a golf club further than anyone I've ever met: "uncle don?" "yes kev" "can I borrow your one through nine irons?" "why?" "I seem to have an empty golf bag"

And of course one should watch Ger when he golfs. His body english is to be admired. And he's the only person in the history of mankind who can talk while teeing off and hit a good shot. "ger, so you can hit a three wood farther than anyone in the history of mankind, except maybe for Colin, just hit the ball" "maybe I should use a driver uncle don" "this is a par three and it's 98 yards long and you are going to use a driver?" And of course when Ger gets on the green, one wants to bring out a hatchet (in golfing terms, a sand wedge) and dismember him: "ger?" "yes uncle don?" "you are an inch from the hole, why are you reading the green?" "there is a break and I see an undulation" "an inch doesn't undulate unless one is a micro-biologist with a very powerful microscope" "ger?" "yes uncle don?" "are you pain sensitive?" "I'm not sure uncle don" "well you are about to find out"

Questions

Why do dogs seem to like me? Hello. The guys upstairs has got two of them and I drive him crazy because they seem to like me more than him. I wouldn't imagine him being crazy and completely nuts would have anything to do with it of course. This is the best place I've lived in Toronto (old Victorian house, quiet, nice landlord) so I'll regret leaving it. But I do have two insane persons living in the house. But they have always left me alone. I'll miss them.

Why does Jesse Green of the New York Times want my e-mail address when I move? I put him through hell in the last few years. When I get a few beer in me I have no borders. He's rich and he's interviewed every famous person that exists. He's angst-ridden and I'm angst-ridden and I can write words every bit as good as him so no surprise.

Why do I love my family? I'm slightly biased but I think Bob is cute. He can be annoying but so could Mother Teresa. And he's got a heart of gold. And he puts up with me which is good.

Why in the hell do I not mind Ger, Jim and Kev. This is not a new question. I've asked it a trillion times. I'm not a physicist but I have come up with a theory: d=&^ 6+2+1 squared. In laymans terms that means they should be tortured for up to six months before one kills them. And of course one can add Robin and Neil, whom should be tortured for an additional month because they are extra cute.

How will I survive? I won't. I've been given an ultimatum from Kevin: Uncle don you have to quit a bad habit. "which one?" 'we'll discuss it over a toke, cigarette and a beer"

Why do I love Anita: I think she is completely annoying but maybe not. I've really grown to love Brenda, Kerri, and Anita. Especially since I've noticed that Jim, Ger and Kev aging so quickly. I'll need friends.

Why do I think that having Shawn e-mail me and asking when I'd be out there to bike may be the greatest compliment I've ever had: "yeah biking would be alot of fun. I got a bike too now so when you come down maby we can go biking somewhere". It would be tough not to feel good about that e-mail. And it will be nice to see Colin and Tyler. I'm not a 'sittting around the kitchen table and rehashing things that have been said already'-type person. I can survive it but my attention will wander, probably within six seconds. Yay hah. Hopefully there will be deer around. I'll pet them: And then I'll bike to Gerry's: "Ger?" "yes uncle don?" "I've biked over to your place for sanity, hello, it was a little insane at Kevins, and I'm a roving reporter, what have you got to report. Oh my God you've re-done the kitchen in a Spanish motif and you have three flamingo dancers in your hallway" So I'll rove over to Justins. "justin?" "yes uncle don" "any news of note?" "I'm a father" "when can I interview the child and Shayna, it's too bad you are related to Ger"

Bob and Lorraine have decided to put the house on Dalarna up for sale and move out of the city and Bob figures they will be moving next month (which makes complete sense considering the boom Calgary is in). I thought it was kind of weird that two brothers who have lived in a city for so many years, may well end up moving out of the city in the same month and in the same year (great minds think alike, I guess).

But Bob's physical move will be quite different than mine (think day and night, black and white) in every way, shape or form. I won't be bringing much stuff out ((six items or less (probably less), although I will store some boxes at a friends here at a friends)). I don't know if that is a tragedy or a comedy on my part. My guitar comes with me for sure and probably my hard drive, and I'd love to bring my bike but I don't know how I can ship a bike.

And of course our mindsets will be quite different just before we move: Bob: That was a chore, gee it will be nice to relax and get to our new place and relax and enjoy and relax. Don: I can't do this, I'm crazy, whom talked me into this, I can't afford it, maybe I should buy an open-ended return ticket, Jim's mad at me I think, I may be okay to be with in the short term but I'm sure that will wear off, etc., etc., etc.

But hopefully the end result will be the same somehow; we'll both be happier. I don't doubt that I'll be welcomed but I don't see what I've got to offer, it certainly isn't fame and riches. I'm already wealthy in some respects, having Neil e-mail me Kara's e-mails from Thailand is worth millions to me. And his pics and Robin's and Ger's and Bob's. And Shaun asking me by e-mail when I'm coming out there because he's got a bike now. And Robin e-mailing me and telling me how he is doing on the guitar.

But the next few weeks are still going to be quite terrible on me until I actually get there. It's not that I don't want to leave Toronto, it's the idea of the things I must do (cancelling cable, saying goodbye to friends, riding my bike in Toronto for one last time). But it will be done.

Embarrassing moment

Sheesh I just had an embarrassing experience on the way home from work this afternoon. I was merrily biking up Parliament Street from the beer store (since it's Friday) with 18 beer in my backpack and I got to Wellesley (the street I live on) and was about to turn right when the light changed and a horde of people started to cross Parliament and Wellesley. And so I came to a screeching halt (I wasn't paying attention because I was almost home and I was a touch tired) and as I put my foot out the backpack changed positions (because of the beer) and because of the sudden weight re-alignment, I went right down on my ass. That wasn't the worst of it. It was the horde of people trying to help me up in the busiest intersection in this area. And because I had this heavy backpack still on I was totally helpless lying on my back (I felt like a turtle) and so I needed a horde of people to help me up. The last comment made was by this old guy who was brushing me off: "that must have been quite a shock". As I slowly biked the two remaining blocks to home, I was thinking: 'no, no that wasn't a shock, I've done worse, I'm way passed being shocked by what I do'. And I always thought the old adage that 'most accidents happen close to home' only applied to automobiles. I guess I was wrong.

Another letter from Kara in Thailand

Today I am in Auythaya, the old capital of Thailand, we arrived this morning at 4:30 by night train, and I hardly slept at all because the air conditioning was SOOO cold, brutal! Im going to die when I come home! Anyways this morning we looked at some old budha relics/temples that were destroyed in the wars, its was pretty interesting, but we saw a whole pile and after a while they all kind of looked the same. Tommrow at like 7am we leave for the bus for a 4hr ride to another town where we are going to see some sort of WWII site which should be sad but good. And then the next night or that night I'm not sure were going to stay on a bambook raft. Then on sunday night we're going to be back in Bangkok to join up with 2 other people and lose 7 of our current tour friends, as we will be starting the Southern tour. I'm pretty excited, it sounds a lot more slack and a lot less travelling which will be fantastic to stay in one place for more than 1 night. A lot of beaching on the white sands and I think i'm going to buy all of my souvenirs/ gifts there as well so I have less distance to carry it.

If there are any requests please tell me before Sunday as I will probably use the free internet in Bangkok before the 2nd tour starts. Oh yeah thanks dad for the id number, I sent him an email so hopefully everything works out. To answer your questions if I can remember them all, yes its still humid here. Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai were not as bad, almost cool considering the weather here. Ayutaya though is brutally humid, not as hot as Bangkok but definately way more humid, I feel like im breathing in Water and strange scents. The trek was AMAZING, everything is absolutely gorgeous, I loved it. The first day we were hiking was intense though, I have never sweat from every limb and pore in my body before. MY Forearms were dripping! It was like having a shower, SOOO WET! when we got back we did laundry and I felt awful for whomever got stuck doing ours cause I'm sure it all reeked! Oh yeah they don't have any coin laundry here, mostly you pay to have them do it for you..so far we've paid 70 and 100 baht for our laundry. Not too bad I suppose. Sometimes its hard to tell if your getting ripped off or not. The second day of the trek it rained alll day which was not that awful because it was a lot cooler, and the third day we got to ride elephants!

I can't wait to show you the pictures, it was wonderful! Anyways I need to go. My mp3 is hopefully done charging, I hope everyone is doing well!

kara

Happy Mother's Day! And you know whom you are. Especially to Anita, Lorraine, Dawn, Julie, Donna, Gail, Brenda, Kerri, Kim, Karen, Kristin, Jennifer, Shayna (mother-to-be, if it hasn't happened yet) and others whom I've probably forgot to include. I especially want to mention Lorraine, Anita, Kim, Kerri, Brenda, Karen, and Shayna and I will certainly include Jennifer whom have chosen a Storm/Douville person to be with. That took guts. Of course love may have had something to do with it but hello. I think you should all receive a medal and trip to an exclusive spa. I love you all dearly. This is the one blog posting where I won't put down my blood relatives. But they are so easy pickings. Certainly they are cute (especially Bob, Jim, Ger, Robin, Neil and even Kevin) but looks aren't everything. But has anyone noticed Bob has a huge forehead. He was spoiled as a child: "Marlene and Anna, I exist" "out of the way donny we have to change bobby's diapers" And Robin's head used to be bigger than the rest of his body. And Ger was not only fat as a child, he was cranky. I had to talk Anna down from jumping off the rock bluff several times. Neil was cute I must admit, he was somewhat like bobby, he grabbed all the attention and it was odd to see him without the mustache. Jim was cute too. He didn't look like a hunter/gatherer when he was little, although the camouflage diapers should have given it away. Kevin was also cute. He perfected the look I still get from him by the time he was two: one eyebrow arched and a bemused smile on his face while he's watching me about to throw a dart, thinking: is uncle don an alien, what solar system did he originate from?

I don't eat out often, but this morning I went out for breakfast. Bacon, eggs (easy over), rye toast, potatoes done like only a greasy spoon can do, two pancakes with syrup in a bottle so I could use as much as I wanted, fried tomatoes (never had that before) and coffee. And then I wore it off with a nice bike ride.

You know what I've been craving lately? BBQ'd ribs and baked potatoes with sour cream and cole slaw. I must admit I love Anita's cooking and when Ger and Kerri invite me over for supper I'm in heaven. Good food! And we won't mention Jim's cooking, scrumptious. And Greg, a friend here in Toronto, is an artiste in the kitchen. I used to watch the food network but of course I quit that. Has anyone noticed that they quite often make something that you can't buy in a normal grocery store. I've never seen Rosemary Shrimp in a grocery store. And what is a shallot? I really love sushi. I could eat sushi pretty well every day. There is no bad sushi. Dawn and Lorraine love it too. I think Anita likes it too. But it's really not something one can make, of course one can but you know what I mean.

I was out there in January. It seems like a thousand years ago. Perhaps you all can tell I love writing. But I just don't feel like writing if I can't write about family. I have a gift but if I can't have fun using it, what's the point? And I need some new fodder for my mind which means I guess moving out there and sitting back and observing. I will ship my hard drive out to Bob's and a few other items (guitar, my Brew'N Go coffee maker). I travel light. This is terribly an egotistical thing to say but my mind will be with me. It might be my one and only asset.

I have a problem. Kevin was nice to me this weekend on the phone. The only time Kevin is nice to me on the phone is when something bad is going to happen to me. I've had a relatively bad weekend because my boss, whom I thought loved me, is just one of those money-grabbing annoying persons. I thought Gord was okay, but obviously I was wrong. He sent me home early on Friday. And he doesn't want me to work Monday. Although I almost never work on Monday, it's the idea of the thing. I was rejected. Perphaps I wasn't the only one but I take it personally. I should be immune to rejection by now: "hi kevin" "click" ringy, ringy "but I'm dying and I only have six or seven minutes to live" "click" I think kevin is the only person whom could hang up on Mother Teresa.

I must admit that it was nice to have Shawn e-mail and offer to bike with me. It's a ruse I'm sure. And yes, talking to Julie last night was fairly okay. But when Kevin was nice to me on the phone I pretty well knew I'm doomed: Hi uncle don "whom?" "may I speak to Kevin" "this is Kevin" "whom?, I'd like to speak to The Kevin whom I'd like to use as an example for birth control" "I thought I was cute uncle don" "nope" "not a teeny weeny bit?" "nil" "slightly?" "a little maybe, it's a good thing you are small and wiry, why can't you be nice once in a while, so I phone you at wierd times, there is a three hour time difference"

Speaking of wierd, there is Ger, and I should be shot. So I phoned Ger last Saturday while he was re-doing his house: "Ger?" "hi uncle don" "are you busy?" "no, I'm just pulling the rafters down" "okay" ringy-dingy "Ger, do you mind me?" "I love you uncle don, whoops the foundation is about to topple" ringy-dingy "Ger, should I move down there?" "yes, the I-beam is sticking through my torso" ringy-dingy" "Kerri, how are you, is Ger still breathing?"

I suppose it would be okay to have Anita look after me. She probably doesn't want to. Not that I'll ever need much looking after. I don't like to make a fuss or muss. But just to have a woman around would be quite nice. I have no idea what Kev and Anita have planned, they'll probably want me to live in West Creston. I won't be adverse to having Kev and Anita around. If they will have me, it's pretty well guaranteed that Kevin will never have to lift an arm around the house and/or yard. The grass will be cut. I'll add an extension to his house if he wants.

I must admit this works. I think Kev actually read my blog. I had no idea. Yay. And yes, Jesse is from the the NYT's and he is impressed with me. And Shawn has a bike, if only I can impress upon him that it is nice to bike.

the next month

Everyone in the world has problems but I wish it was July 1. I've got so many things going through my mind ger and I don't even know if I will survive. I have been in Toronto twenty-five years. I'm never going to be a rich person, never. But I think I am a blessed person, as you know, but I worry too much. And I only have to worry about me which is one good thing.

I tried to explain that to a friend last night. I couldn't. And it doesn't need explaining anyway. But from day one I could tell that I had 'special' family. How does one explain Marlene and Leo and Roy and Anna. It's pretty well a guarantee that the kids will be the cutest in the history of mankind: "mom" "what?" "jimmy is here" "yes" "roy and anna have no, nil and not one whit of knowledge about raising a child, especially one whom has his own recipe for pablum" "and marlene and leo?" "Laurie is a cutie but she's already organizing my ironing"

"donnie" "yes Mom" "kill yourself now" "now?" "now" "why?" "because they will all annoy as you approach old age" "not Robin" "yes, in spite of his big head or small body (I'm never sure which), he'll annoy you" "not Ger" "yes, in fact roy and anna fed him lard for the first three years of his life, hence tubbo" "but kevin and neil are quite cute" "do you like pain?"

There is one advantage I've got over every single person in the world. I'll walk down to the highway and hitchhike back to Toronto (while trying to avoid Kevin laying in the middle of the highway while semi's are whipping by). Okay, okay when I'm there this time, I'm there for good. "unlce don, why don't you unpack your bags, I need to wash your clothes" "here's a hanky, Anita" Anita is not the one I worry about, I think she is the cutest and nicest person in the history of mankind.

It's too late back now, but Kevin's coming home to nap is not going to work for me. I'm up at four in the morning. I'll get up at the crack of dawn and make coffee and sit out on the deck and play the radio while I read and and think about cutting the lawn. He'll need a three hour nap. I have no idea, when I come there for a week I sleep in. But I'm sure when my bod adjusts, I'm gonna be looking for work very quickly. I like reading, but (knock on wood) you are getting me at a good time. Eight months ago: not so. I'm wondering how I will aclamatize. I'm fairly uptight and I think when I get out out there I'll just want to relax and unwind for a day or two. Throw a few darts. I'll send my important stuff to bob's (computer, guitar, and a few boxes) by fedex and I can get that whenever.

I cannot imagine me being at Kevin's just relaxing for week thinking that I don't have go back to Toronto. At the moment that is beyond me. I presume it will take a long time for that knot in my chest to disappear. On the other hand, being with family could make it go away quickly: "ger?" "yes uncle don" "don't smile" "why?" "because you're blinding me and I need you to make me a trailer for my bike so I can go into town and shop, and make it look really cool" "but how can you bike up the hill uncle don?" "unlike you guys I can walk up the hill with my bike, that would unbelievably fun for me, my dream is to impress you guys and I don't know if can, I talk the talk now, I just hope I can do it this summer, it seems I have a lot of good will built up, I don't want see any of it eroded" "you don't have to impress us uncle don" "I know, I just want to feel good at the end of the day"

Kara is in Thailand

Hey Don Q. Storm,

Thought you might like this. Kara and two friends are in Thailand right now. She left on Friday, May 4th and returns to Calgary on June 4th.

This is the latest email from her.

Neil


Subject: Thailand!!!

Hey Everyone, I think this is the last time I can email for a while. Im leaving for Chiang Mai tonight by night Train, which should be pretty exciting. Last night we met the other tour people and there are really nice, most of them are older, but very experienced so thats a good thing to have. This morning we saw a temple here in Bangkok. Beautiful and massive, there was this HUGE statue of a leaning, golden budha. And everything was colourful and bright and the architecture is pretty interesting. Haha now I sound like a man! Anyways then we went on a river boat canal tour around, quite neat to see, a little upsetting to view their standard of living, but they all seem to be quite pleased with it. Very cheery, smiley people! Anyways I need to go, talk to ya guys. .definitely in a week or so, but im not sure if it will be sooner than that! Miss everyone! See you soon!

KARA

Friday ramblings

I wonder if any other family has an uncle whom gets up at 4am and makes coffee, has a shower, reads the news/sports on the Internet, writes about how the medieval torture instruments would be suited to his nephews, has a breakfast of ham, scrambled eggs, toast with peanut butter and marmelade and bikes a fair distance to work and arrives at least on hour early so he can work on a crossword puzzle......and then have Joanne, his boss (and whom he's secretly in love with but whom has a husband called Ollie whom he presumes is six foot nine and an Adonis and whom could beat him to a pulp if necessary (not that it would be)) bet said uncle two pitchers of beer that said uncle wouldn't make it to work on Monday. Said uncle resents that, but said uncle will be at work on monday morning if it kills him. Said uncle will collect on this bet........I'm listening to a CD that I haven't listened to for so long, it's a Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young compilation that a friend put together for me a long time ago. Nice to hear it again, for me listening to some of their songs is like rewinding parts of my past life and playing it again, for example, Neil sings 'rock and roll is here to stay, it's better to burn out than be here to stay', in some way I think we would all agree that if Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Hank Williams, Buddy Holly would have lived a long life, they would have been shuffled off by now to just small footnote in the history of rock and rock.....Roy did comment once on this blog, when I was out there the time before last: "the last few posts on your blog haven't been that funny don" I was thrilled, to have someone who is the only one I know who has read more books than I have only mildly criticize me was nice, and for him to have read the blog was even more special.....I certainly don't mean to single out Ger because Roy and Anna needed a barge and a crane to take him to his crib and Marlene and Leo had to build a special crib just to accommodate Robin's rather large head. These things aren't well known in the family, you didn't know that?

Medieval torture

I have a problem. I have a sudden urge to inflict pain upon certain family members. Actually it's not sudden, the urge has been with me for quite some time. I don't know if anyone is into medieval torture. I am.

Thumbscrews come to mind: Justin? "yes uncle don?" "can I borrow your thumbs?"

Jim? "yes uncle don?" "would you step into the Iron Maiden, don't worry about the spikes that will penetrate your bod from head to toe when I close the door"

Robin? "yes uncle don?" "would you put your chin on the lower bar of the Head Crusher while I put the 'cap' on the top of your head and turn the screw, anyway your head needs to be smaller"

Neil? "yes uncle don?" "could you get on the Rack while I pull your bod in opposite directions, you always wanted to be six foot nine, so you're going to be six foot nine"

Colin? "yes uncle don?" "do you mind if I put you in this iron harnessy thingy called the Judas Cradle and lower you very, very slowly onto the pointy thingy, don't worry about screaming, the castle keep is soundproof"

Ger? "yes uncle don?" "I've always wanted to use the Heretic's Fork, I'm just going to thrust prongs into your chin and sternum, don't worry that you won't be able to move your head and/or talk, the world will be a better place"

Kev? "yes uncle don?" "would you get on the Wheel, don't worry that your bod will turn into a writhing, slimey, shapeless mass of flesh mixed in with splinters of smashed bones"

Tyler? "yes uncle don?" "I presume you won't mind when I impale you by lowering your bod on top of this Pointed Stake and impaling it through your abdomen and chest cavity, it will be uncomfortable for a while"

Uncle vlad, I mean don? "yes?" "I thought we were cute" "you are so I won't leave your bods to rot that long, only a couple of millenia"

Not a soul in Creston thought that the Canucks would win last night.

Amazingly, no one has complained to me about Alain Vigneault. I think he's brilliant but you see him more often than I do.

I got so annoyed that TSN and other 'experts' wrote off the Canucks after game one: "Anaheim will win in four" Mr. Vigneault is a good coach, I knew that he would never let that happen. I hope now that they think they can win. If they get that idea in their head they will be unstoppable.

The game is on.

Unlike Creston, in Toronto you don't see many conifer (pine, larch, cedar or spruce) trees so when the buds on the elm and oak trees in front of the house that I live in start to bud I get excited. In the last few days it's happened. In the winter I don't even note they exist but in the late spring, summer and fall they are fairly prominent. And in this neighbourhood, which is probably one of the oldest in Toronto, and I suppose Canada for that matter, they can be quite stately. But this tree across the street from me, which I think is a black oak, is different. The trunk at the bottom is huge and then about thirty feet up five large branches branch out and then in another twenty feet, more branches branch out, and so on. At the top there has to be five hundred branches, all reaching the same height, at about five or six stories high. In spring that tree goes from being the ugliest specimen of a deciduous tree to being awesome. I find it quite an amazing transformation. Mother Nature, aye.

I hit a wall at 3:45pm today. Not literally of course, but I ran out of energy. Completely. From 3:45 to 5:00 I was running on fumes. It was Friday, I'd kinda worked hard all week, and I was looking forward to my first cold beer. Normally I love to bike home on Fridays with the adrenelin flowing and my legs a'pumping but not today. It was still good but it was nice to get home and relax.

I haven't seen much playoff hockey. The only series I can watch is the NY Rangers and Buffalo. I refuse to watch the Senators play and I'm in bed before anyone out west starts to play so I'm limited in my choice. I'm secretly hoping the NY Rangers upset Buffalo but don't tell anyone. You know who will be in the Stanley Cup final? Anaheim and Ottawa. I'd watch cricket before I'd watch that match-up. In fact I'd watch the first round of the over 65 year old sumo wrestling championships (wouldn't that be an ugly sight?) first.

I used to be the worst person in the history of mankind as far losing. And I haven't changed much. My competitive spirit is still alive and well. I don't mind losing to family members actually. That is not a problem. But at work it's a problem. I gotta do better than anyone else. One would think it would wear off eventually. I presume family members would let me win in whatever game I was playing: "uncle don?" "yes?" "you are cheating" "I don't even know what game I'm playing" "it's called Crazy Eights Pass the Ace" "I should pass a two?" "Only if you have wild card" "which is?" "it depends" "on what?" "if you passed an eight previously and used it as trump, it could be a queen or king" "any beer left?" "no uncle don, it's very simple, think majoong with several tiny changes"

Whew

Well that was a close call. I was pleased to see Trevor Linden score the go-ahead goal, he's one of my favourite hockey players. And no rest for the wicked, they play tomorrow night, we can only hope Roberto Louongo is really hot for the series and some of the would-be scorers finally score some goals.

New pics from ger

Father and daughter.

Mother and son. Sheesh, Lane is cute. Actually soooooooo is Kristin.

Karri and Lane. Aaawwwww.

Shayna and Justin. Well, one of them is cute (not mentioning any names). I suppose Justin is too if one stretches one's imagination almost to the breaking point.

so uncle don, no one is going to want to bike with you when you move out there: "they don't want to have fun? they are afraid they will have the best time of their life" "sez who?" "sez me, 100% guaranteed". "Kev will never go for it" "I know, I just need to get him out once". "granny, I mean Jim will never go for it" "it'll be a challenge" "Robin might want to bike" "I'm not sure, but me and him are going to eventually take our guitars up to the lookout and sing John Denver's Rocky Mountain High while having a toke" "and Ger?" "do you know what I hate most about persons whom bike?" "what uncle don?' "bikers who yap" "we may have a problem" "we will not have a problem, I'll duct tape everything on his bod but his eyes"

uncle don don't forget about kev, he's beginning to itch and be bothered. "I knew I should have left him at home, at the next mountain pass just push him into the gorge" "Granny, I mean Jimmy is fretting also" "sheesh, well there is a crevice coming up which should be wide enough to throw his large bod into" "and Robin?" "hmm, he's cute, a chasm is coming up so perhaps we can use his huge head as a bridge" "and Ger?" "we'll need the duct tape and Robin's forehead to bike over to the next glacier so just hold your hand over Ger's mouth and then throw him him into the canyon after we've crossed the bottomless pit, but keep his teeth as a beacon". Neil is here uncle don. "to rescue moi no doubt, how is his mustache?" "cute" "good, I'll need it to brush off the wear and tear of the trip from my Gore bike wear"

uncle don? "what?" we are rebelling" "from whom?" "youm" "moim?" "you said this was going to be fun and we do all the work" "I presumed you guys were born to spoil me, am I wrong?" "don't have that hurt look on your face, uncle don" "I laughed at all your inane jokes from when you were tots and my bod still hurts from the torture you guys put me through, my remaining life is devoted to making your remaining lives as nightmarish as possible" "I thought we were cute uncle don" "that too, but I still have a throb in my left vortex caused by following one or two of you down a black run" "whom was it uncle don?" "I'm not mentioning any names, but one of them has a mustache and the other one looks like a small, white biafran and has an attitude"

Yay Calgary

It's all tied up! So Calgary, win a game on the road. And the Canucks lost in overtime. A gloom is hanging over Creston.

Toronto forecast: today a high of 18 with nary a cloud in the sky. And on the weekend, highs in the low twenties with not a single cloud appearing on the horizon. It's about time.

I finally went to the doctor this week. Nothing to report other than her sending me for tests. I have to decide what day I want to take off work and go in to the clinic at 9am (I guess it's an all day thing). The doctor is so young, she could be my grandchild. Although she grew up in Toronto, she's spent the last few years in Kelowna and she's been in Creston so we hit it off.

Calgary finally wins

Calgary won last night which is good. And the Canucks won without having to go in to overtime. And, of course, the inept Penguins lost. I watched the Rangers easily beat Atlanta last night, they look pretty good. Jagomar Jagr is playing good hockey. Of course I never watch any western teams play, way past my bedtime.

Toronto weather phenomena

We seem to have some rather odd weather phenomena in this part of the country:

Nor'easter: a macro-scale storm whose winds come from the northeast, especially in the coastal areas of the Northeastern United States and Atlantic Canada. More specifically, it describes a low pressure area whose center of rotation is just off the coast and whose leading winds in the left forward quadrant rotate onto land from the northeast. The precipitation pattern is similar to other extratropical storms. They also can cause coastal flooding, coastal erosion and gale force winds.

Holy moly, the "leading winds in the left forward quadrant" were definitely rotating in Toronto yesterday. I've seen windy but this was hurricane-force. I think I saw a cat fly by the office window yesterday.

Alberta Clipper: A clipper originates when warm, moist winds from the Pacific Ocean come into contact with the mountains in the provinces of British Columbia and then Alberta. The storms sweep in at high speed over whatever land they encounter, usually bringing with them sharp cold fronts and drastically lower temperatures. It is not uncommon for an Alberta clipper to cause temperatures to drop by 30°F (16°C) in as little as 10 to 12 hours. Often, the storms bring biting winds with them, only increasing the effect of the newly lower temperatures. Winds in advance and during an Alberta clipper are frequently as high as 35 to 45 mph (56 to 72 km/h).

This phenomenon isn't very pleasant either. We had several of these this past winter.

I guess what I'm trying to say (in a very roundabout way) is that we've not had any nice weather yet this year. We may never get nice weather.

Sidney came through. And he beat Ottawa. I knew he would (hah). Life is good.

yay

Calgary's road woes continue

The Flames are going to go up in flames pretty quickly this year if they can't figure out how to win on the road. What's with them? By the way, I'm hoping it's Vancouver and Buffalo in the Stanley Cup. And in the remote chance that happens I'll have a tough time choosing which one to cheer for.

And we have light snow (as in we are only going to get 35 centimeters of snow and not 97) in Toronto this morning. This weather could make the most cheerful person in the history of mankind grumpy.

Vancouver wins the first one

Is anyone still alive and kicking in Creston? Vancouver won in the fourth OT period last night against Dallas. That must have been quite a game to watch.

I see Ottawa beat Pittsburgh, agh.....where's Sidney?

Pics of Tony Orlando and Dawn.

"uncle don I resent that" "I'm sorry, Tony Orlando and Karri" "I'm not Tony Orlando" "well you should be, can you sing?" "yes" "there you go, what's the prob, I'm pleased I wasn't invited to the wedding, I couldn't have surived you singing 'tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree' one more time.

My e-mail isn't working this weekend so in lieu of that:

Dear niece/nephew/friend/alien:

I think you are a blankety-blank blank. Send money and a change of clothes.

Your dearest uncle/friend/earthling,

uncle don/donald/zeke

It's going to be 19 above in Creston today. And here it's minus 7. Ask me why I'm depressed: "uncle don why are you depressed?" "because when I finally arrive in Creston all the good weather will be used up". "and?" "and it's not fair to have Ger, Robin and Kev enjoying something they don't care one whit about, they don't bike, they wouldn't know a headwind if it hit them in the head" "and?" "and the three point nine million people whom live in Toronto would give their eye teeth for nineteen above but there is this wierd, and very small population in Creston who have no clue that they are lucky and all three point nine million of us hope the wierd and very small population of Creston is wiped out by flash floods, the plague and several nine point nine earthquakes" "and?" "if Vancouver and Calgary meet in the playoffs, which presumably they will, I'm cheering for Calgary" "Robin, Kev and Colin won't like you" "too bad, whippee-effing-do, at least they aren't freezing to death"

"It will be seventeen above in Cranbrook today uncle don" "oh gawd, Jimmy's going to pass out from heat prostration" "you like 39 above with lots of humidity don't you uncle don" "uh-huh, for some reason my bones don't ache and my nose doesn't run when I'm biking in extreme heat and humidity, I should have been born on the Yangtze River delta"

"uncle don?" "yes?" "why are there 3.9 million people living in Toronto and five thousand and seventy-two persons living in Creston?" "I don't know" "Creston is pretty" "yep" "not much traffic" "nope" "the people are nice" "yep" "no smog" "nope" "cherry blossoms in the spring" "yep" "no cyclists in velour" "nope" "a low crime rate excepting for an old guy getting dinged $189 for not doing anything from a two-bit mountie who probably goes home after work and beats his pet hamster" "yep" "uncle don you aren't bitter about that incident are you?" "oh yeah, oooooh yeah, yes, uh-huh, oui, for sure" "uncle don, you got your letter of protest published in the Advance" "that does not begin to cover my annoyance and I get an invoice from ICBC every two months to remind me how annoyed I am" "you can't fight Ottawa (RCMP) or Victoria (ICBC) uncle don" "I can but I wouldn't bother normally, but this invoice every two months is starting to make my blood boil"

And I probably have one of the nicest places to live in history of mankind. Of course I've got Devin the toker across the hall and Nick the Greek upstairs whom is deliusonal but they are okay. I don't know if I've ever explained this but in my apt I have the biggest RCA wooden unit that ever existed. It actually takes up half the room, it's got a turntable and whoever left it here left records. And It has a radio of course. The greatest sound I've ever heard. I mentioned to Kevin once that I listen to classical music. This unit is made for that kind of music.

To continue, one block away there is sirens and a lot of people but here, none. And I only pay $425/month which for Toronto is unheard of. I'm sorry, but I think god looks after me. He likes to make me suffer but He doesn't go overboard. You all have big mansions and space and money. But I'm quite content to enjoy what I've got and muddle through and survive and above all read. I can't sleep at all and I never have been able to. The difference between me here and you all out there is beyond your comprehension by about twenty thousand light years. I try my best not to bring it up and I think I've been more or less successful in that regard. And you continue to amaze me. There may be persons luckier than me, I don't think so but it could happen. I'm not really that aware but I must admit I'm impressed. Even Ty sounded like he was pleased to hear from me. That never happens. And last week I talked to Brenda, hello. She cheered me up.

I'm not worthy. Although the thought of dragging Jim's, Ger's and Kev's bodies behind a logging truck between Nelson and Kaslo has a certain appeal. And then there is Neil. I have to put his mustache to good use. Does anyone know if lip hairs are good for cleaning septic tanks? I'm not sure, but we'll find out. Robin's cute. I'll only use the upper half of his body as a rats nest. I love rats. And then I'm going to tie the five bodies together and raft down the Moyie in August. People from the shore will yell: "is that Jimmybob? without recognizable features and limbs he looks different"

Are we done with the birthdays for awhile. Hello. Not quite yet, Marlene's on Monday. It's only Saturday tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to going to work on Monday. I got something in mind that I should come out there for a week but Ger talked me out of it. And of course the weather here has been terrible so I can't bike. I keep telling myself it's only April but I've seen it in Toronto where there is no spring. May 31st it's winter and June 1st it's 99 above with humidity.

Jimmy complains about the heat in July and August. If I only had that problem. If I hear Jim complain about the heat once more, I'm going to kill him and send his body to an abattoir. And after the slaughterhouse is finished with his bod, I'll scatter his few remaining remains on a glacier in Antarctica, and with his last breath I know he will say: "can we open the window". Life imprisonment is not much of a deterrent for me since I don't have much life left. Is torture still allowed in B.C.? If I hear Jim complain about the heat I'm going to build a torture chamber. And stock it with persons whom complain about the heat.

When I move to the equator, I won't complain. I'm not a cold climate person, I should have been born in Baghdad, the average temperature there is 22 above in April.

Okay I'm done about the weather but as a cyclist, the two hundred kilometre headwind in Toronto is hard to take and it gets a little annoying when it's ten above with a wind chill of minus 55. I'll kill anyone whom complains about the heat.

Love you all except Jimmy, who's bod I'm having shipped to the North Pole by Fedex this summer.

Happy birthday ty

I don't think there is anyone in the family whom doesn't think you are a good person Tyler. You are annoying but nice to have around. Kill Kev if possible. I'm sorry you've got his genes, not much you can do about, I personally think you should hang him from a rafter until his bod stops quivering. "

Oh, I guess he's okay in a roundabout, completely annoying way. Unfortunatly or not, it will be up to me kill him on the the canoe trip. Which I intend on doing if I'm allowed. I'll have to ask Jim if we will have the facilities for a burial at sea, or in this case, at Moyie. I'll be the first person in the history of the Moyie to mutiny in a conoe and throw the so-called captain overboard and use his body as a bumper. I'm sharpening my scabbard as I speak.

The famous virgo

I talked to Ty yesterday and he seemed to have read the blog. Agh. It's Tyler's birthday on Sunday. He'll be almost half as old Jim and they are both cute except Jim has to rely on his stomach to find his way around. And Ty has to rely on his brains, which is why he's lost most of the time. If one put Jim's stomach and Tyler's brain together one would have a fat inkblot (the Warshak Test, I'm sorry if I go over everyone's head). I'm kidding of course, they are two of my favourite persons. Which brings me to the subject of Ger:

Once every ten years or so I think I'm brilliant, once every five years I think I'm above average in intelligence but 99.99% of the time I know I'm beyond stupid, bordering on the cerabrally-challenged. Ger can't be a virgo, although he fits most of the virgo criteria (angst-ridden, practical, stable, vulnerable yet pragmatic): he's creative more than all of us put together. In our own way we are all special but when I see what Ger can do with iron I'm amazed. And his brain isn't bad either. Some of the e-mails I've received from Ger in the past are unreal, he can talk the talk and walk the walk.

But: "ger?" "yes uncle don?" "you and Justin can be so annoying" "in what way?" "you don't know, did you leave your brain at home?" "I thought we were cute" "did you ever see the movie 'The Mummies'? "yes uncle don I did" "did you note that the mummies were mum?" "they were quiet" "they were mum" "but unc.." "Justin do you have any duct tape?" Yes, but...." "may I borrow it?" "yes but dad is brillia...." "I was only going to put two layers of duct tape on your lips now you get three" "how many does dad get, mmph" "twelve, I hope he can eat through his nose, note how quiet it is all of sudden, I can actually hear the jackhammer" Yay hah.

Editor's note: I don't know what I would have done without Ger, Jim, Julie and Bob. I came so close to jumping on a plane but their phone calls and e-mails were enough. Any less and I couldn't have survived. I keep going back to this but we know. We don't have to see each other every day, it's a given that we look after each other.

Easter forecast

Well as usual Toronto is getting the short end of the stick. Flurries and cold until gawd knows when (probably May). Calgary, Cranbrook and Creston are all going to see sun and temperatures in the teens by Saturday. The only saving grace for me is that the Masters golf tournament and the world curling championships from Edmonton are on during the day time which I love watching. Sheesh, if Toronto and Montreal both win the next game, we will see them play for a final play-off spot on Saturday night. Wouldn't that be something.

Have a great Easter weekend everyone.

Jimmy's 50th birthday

What can I say? I respect no one more on this planet than Jim. And fifty isn't that old really. Jim's only eight in dog years, three in cat years, and two hours old in gerbil years.

And he'd better be in his fifties for twenty or thirty years because when he turns sixty I'm outta here. I will just barely be able to withstand my eight other nieces and nephews turning fifty after Jim in the years to come: "Gail's turning fifty." "whom?" "Gail" "Gail Whom?" "Gail Douvillm" "could you excuse me for a moment?" "certainly, where are you going?" "I'm going to bike to New South Wales, Australia and back, don't wait up".

"Everything's relative, Uncle Don" "I know, Jim's relatively old which means I'm relatively ancient, and there is no relatively about it, one is either ancient or one is not". "Should we not celebrate Jim's 50th birthday Uncle Don, he's alive and doing amazingly well, health-wise". "he hides his pain well and on April 3rd his pancreas will give out along with a few other internal organs" "how can you tell?" "because it almost happened to me" "what prevented it?" "pure, unadulterated luck".

"Uncle Don, as Jimmy looks back on his first fifty years what should he be proud of?" "surviving". "surviving?" "no further words need be spoke". "what does jim have to look forward to in his next fifty years, uncle don?" "really good times I hope, I think for all of us it has been somewhat of a dark period losing Marlene and now maybe Roy, of course overlayed by the ups and downs of getting on with life and enjoying family and friends and work, but for Jim it's been particularly tough with the fire and having to live at either Brenda's moms and a little while at a hotel for so long, it must have been a nightmare" "he survived that pretty good didn't he uncle don?" "he did, and now Roy"

"uncle don?" "yes" "take a deep breath and don't worry about family anymore, they will survive without you, what's with you anyway, get a life". "but..." "they know you love them by now" "..but" "bye"

Two famous virgos

"With an acute attention to detail, the Virgo is the sign in the zodiac most dedicated to serving. Their deep sense of the humanity leads them to caregiving like no other....the Virgo is often gentle and delicate.


"ger?" "what uncle don?" "we are gentle and delicate" "whom?" "us" "and we have a deep sense of humanity" "we have?" "yes, and we are humane" "to whom?" "I don't know, I'd like to shoot something" "I'll aim and you can pull the trigger"

So Donna, Robin, Colleen, Jim, Tyler and Bob are Aries. And Marlene. I'm sure there's more, because I always felt I was an outcast because I wasn't born at this of time year.

I happened to check out a few 'experts' on the subject and noticed that there is absolutely no grounds in thinking that astrology has any foundation in modern scientific knowledge.

Example 1: "Ariens are always overflowing with ideas, schemes and plans to conquer the world, for a well-aspected sun in Aries radiates power and vitality."

Rebuke: I don't see it, although Jimmy and Robin were both overflowing with annoying schemes, plans and ideas.

Example 2: "Ariens are great organisers, full of flair and originality, although usually lacking discipline and the capacity for prolonged effort (minions must be found to do the slog work!)."

Rebuke: I don't know about organizing, but Donna, Jim, Bob, and Robin certainly lacked discipline: maybe they grew into it but they didn't when they were little. I can't talk about Colleen and Tyler of course but as a minion, I do think Bob, Donna, Jim and Robin could have been nicer to me as they were organizing their flair for originality. Colleen and Tyler are just innocent bystanders. Maybe not Tyler, Ill kill him one of these days. I'm thinking of using his body as a launch pad for the next lunar mission. And after it's been fried, I'm going to scatter his ashes on my chrysanthemums.

And then I checked out the compatibility between Virgos and Aries: "Virgo, the Virgin, and Aries, the Ram make a rather odd couple". Hello. "Impulsive Aries makes split-second decisions and acts on them instantly, while you are inclined to agonize over details until the opportune moment has long passed."

Now I'm angst-ridden. My moment has passed. A long time ago apparently. Who brought up this stupid astrology stuff?

Yay hah, I hope Donna had a nice birthday and I hope Robin, Jim, Bob, Tyler, and Colleen will have a nice birthday.

Have a great birthday tomorrow Robin, you still look twenty to me. Well, close. Fairly. Within a decade or three. You probably feel twenty. All the aches and pains are just in your head.
.
Oh face it you're old.

Have a great one!

From Robin

E-mail from Robin:

"Neil was hiking around in the wilderness while I was up in Burns Lake with Marcel at the hockey provincials. Our team placed second and got silver medals. We beat Vanderhoof last year, but they were a determined team this year and beat us 4-0 in the final. We were plannin to drive home thru Jasper, but they closed the road for avalanche control and we had to drive home thru ALberta. We went thru one of your old haunts - Rocky Mountain House. You can almost smell the oil money oozing out of the ground there. Really busy with rig trucks, platforms, etc. 14-1/2 hour drive from McBride thru Jasper, Hinton, Edson, Rocky, Caroline, Cochrane, Canmore, Banff, Radium, Fairmont, Cranbrook and Creston."

More of Neil's ski trip

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To see more of Neil's pics, go to :

http://photoshare.shaw.ca/view/7922240888-1174602242-23049/20

Outhouse

Neil is cute and he doesn't attach names to his pics often. But he did attach a name to this pic: Outhouse. I kind of feel sorry for Stanley Mitchell having had to plod to this building every morning in the spring.

So the Loafs won but so did everyone else. Again, they are not going to make the playoffs. And no one will get fired. It's beyond me how come they allow modiocrity to reign year after year. I'm not a fan of John Ferguson, Jr. And the 905 (the area code of the suburbs of Toronto) persons just sit in front of their sports bar televisions and let let it happen without complaining. If there is one organization I hate more than life itself, it is Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment. They have not a brain. Nil. And of course in the playoffs I'll see nothing but the Ottawa Senators. Never the Canucks, and when the Canucks are on television in the playoffs, the game will start too late for me me to stay up. I don't watch the Senators. Anyone else but not them: I hope they get eliminated early but they won't, they'll win several series, so I won't be seeing much hockey this spring. I'd rather watch Bowling for Dollars than watch Ottawa play. I imagine the expectations are high in Creston regarding the Canucks. For Colin and Robin's sake, I hope the Canucks do well.

In spite of having a good day yesterday with biking to work and all, I did go through hell once during the day. Yesterday I was conducting surveys on catfood. Everything was moving along nicely and I just needed one more survey to complete the study. Just one more. So I dialled a number at 12:57 pm (three minutes before my lunch break): ringy, ringy, hello? "hi mrs. Hildebrandt, have you got three minutes to spare, I'm conducting a survey on cat food" "yes?" "I have a qualifying question, do you have a cat?" "yes (yay, I'm thinking)" "what brand of cat food do you serve it?" "Well, it depends really, I've got 25 cats and they are all fussy" "can you name any brand of cat food?" "not really, I have the grocery store mix and match".

"But what brand do you buy most often?" "are you asking about holistic or natural?" "I'm asking about cat food". "boxed, tinned or bagged?" "tinned" "I don't normally buy canned cat food except if Fritz is in his take-out mood" "whom?" "Fritz" "I mean what brand?" "you'd have to ask Cleo" "whom?" Cleo" "whom and/or what is Cleo?" "the parakeet (oncoming headache)" "how would Cleo know what brand of cat food Fritz ate?" "because Cleo watches Theo spoon the cat food into the cat food dish" "whom?" "Theo" "is Theo your budgie?" "don't be so silly, she's my meditation instructor" "as in zen?" "no, zen is the name of my turkish angora" "where was I?" "you were asking me about cat food young man, do you have a cat?" "no, I have a migraine" "I only feed my cats certain brands" "(ears perk up) aha, and what brands would those be?" "I import them from the middle east"

"Mrs Hildebrandt could you look at a can and tell me if it's in the Armenian, Kurdish or the Hebrew language, I can finish the survey in those languages" "Coptic" "Coptic?" "Coptic, it's got a picture of a pharaonic temple on it" "Mrs Hildebrandt, that's your priceless art, look for a picture of a cat" "aha here it is, IAMNOT" "whom?" "IAMNOT" "if I said IAMS would that set off bells and whistles?"

"No but IAMNOT is what I feed chu chu" "whom?" "chu chu" "Yayhah, so on a scale where one means yucccchhh and 10 means purrrrrr, how would chu chu rate the texture of the Primo Select IAMNOT cat food?" "actually I've been eating Primo Select lately" "whom?" "meam" "what about chu chu, she's probably starving" "my cook does the Porterhouse pretty good, I don't think chu chu is going to starve". "(sigh) Okay Mrs. Hildebrandt how would you rate IAMNOT Primo Select on taste" "two" "whom?" "two" "may I ask a question mrs hildebrandt?" "certainly" "you are passing up a porterhouse steak for IAMNOT Primo Select cat food and you are giving it a rating of two?" "can I say one?" "how about the texture mrs Hildebrandt, what number?" "ten" "aroma?" "ten" "palette?" "ten" "color?" "ten" "taste?" "one".

Mrs. hildebrandt, if I threatened to hang you from a rafter, upside down, and pour phosphoric acid through your vericose veins would I be able talk you into a "five' for taste, I only get paid if I get at least a five" "two" "hydroflouric acid?" "three" "hexacosanoic acid?" "four" "a double bacon cheeseburger with fries?" "ten"

"Thank you Mrs. Hildebrandt, it's now five o'clock but I wish to thank you for your time, IAMNOT thanks you for your time, by the way we've never interviewed a cat so we will send you our free booklet: Why would you not eat cat food, they like it"

Isn't Laurie cute? And intelligent. The Douvilles are up there in IQ's. It didn't bother me to notice they were far smarter than me when they were kids: "uncle don?" "yes Donna?" "the tractomety is somewhat off tract" "is that important?" "only if one is having a seizure" Let's talk to Gail. "gail?" "yes uncle don?" "do the hospital records indicate that I'm normal?" "there is a blip" "a blip?" "a big blip" "which means?" "pretend you are healthy" On to Neil. "Neil?" "yes uncle don?" "I don't feel well" "I've got sonar and I'll map out your progress and we'll get you back on your feet in no time, where do you want your ashes sent?" "ashes?" "Robin, help" "yes uncle don?" "I'm having a trectotomery, a seizure and my hospital records show a big blip and my ashes may be sent to Siberia" "you came to the right place uncle don, I'll flush them down the water system" "whom?" "don't worry, your ashes won't clog up the system".

Whoever took this picture deserves an award.

Friday night at last

I'm having my first beer, listening to Allison Krauss and Emmylou Harris, watching an old movie and writing on the blog......and above all relaxing. Today I biked all the way to work for the first time since last November. Surprisingly it wasn't that bad except for my derriere. I guess it's like getting used to playing the guitar again and having to break in ones fingertips, it takes a little practice. I'm sitting on a pillow at the moment. But it's nice to be 'back in the saddle again'. So nice.

"Uncle don?" "yes twin brother, uncle funk?" "you forgot to mention the near-collision at Bay and Bloor" "I was dragged for only half a block before someone noticed, not really serious" "by the way uncle don, there is conspiracy going on" "a whom?" "a conspiracy" "by whom?" "Anita" "Anita?" "how many pristine pairs of socks did you take with you to Calgary/Cranbrook/ Creston in January?" "eight or nine" "how many did you come back with?" "I came back with six lousy pairs of socks and every one of them had holes in them, and I don't wear woollen, black and or any sock that has an emblem on them" "Kev can't afford socks?" "apparently not" "and another thing Uncle Funk, I have a grey pullover that I absolutely love wearing and it's at Kevin's, I'm not unpacking when I get anywhere near Anita anymore". "she's cute uncle don" "I know but she has a crazed sense of proprietorship, she thinks everything nice belongs to Kevin" "It could be a conspiracy, or maybe not"

"Uncle don, I note you are musing about mountains, especially after seeing Neil pics and they are only geological formations that have arisen over trillions of years" "are you talking?" "and what is the big deal, they consist of rock and trees and quite often they have snow on them, you like them don't you?" "yes, long before quads and skiiing, I looked around me in awe. Even biking down to Porthill to get candy with Ron Potts and John Oleshko I always looked around" "how do you remember their names?" "

I love all the pictures I get sent, more than life itself. But no one should be surprised that I enjoy seeing Neil's pics quite a lot. "no pain, no gain" On the other hand I'd love to spend time in Mexico and Hawaii and on a cruise. I just want to get through the next five minutes. Yay.

Pictures from Neil

These are just a few of the pics from his and Devon's last back-country ski trip, March 10th to 14th from Field to Takkakkaw Falls and then to Stanley Mitchell Hut. I will post more pictures in the next few days.

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Just look at the beautiful country they were skiing through. I can't even imagine how much I would enjoy doing something like that if I could.

The old man taking it easy in the Stanley Mitchell Hut. Neil looks 'quainter' than the furniture. The stove behind Neil looks awfully comforting after a long trek.

Isn't Devon cute.

Spring?

I may have jumped the gun a bit yesterday when I biked part way to work. I didn't realize it was -15 with the windchill. And of course the windchill was blowing directly into my face. That is the first time in my lifetime that my eyeballs were cold. I couldn't pry my fingers apart until about noon. And the white spot on the end of my nose didn't return to normal colour (red) until 3pm.

E-mail from Bob

We're in New York! Cool here, but the sun's shining. We're going out today to see the city. We have a great hotel...morning breakfast, complimentary coffee, and I hear there's free wine in the evening for a couple of hours. Will update you later...we board the boat on Wednesday.

Spring arrives today

It's time to celebrate! Spring arrives this evening. I guess it was appropriate that yesterday, the last full day of winter, it snowed, there was a howling wind, and the subway broke down on my way to work because of ice on the tracks. Today is better (it couldn't be any worse) with a sunny day forecast. I'll ride my bike at least part way to work for the first time since last fall.

Why I drink beer

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, wine or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
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WATER = Poop
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BEER = Health
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Therefore: Is it not better to drink beer and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap?
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There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.

movies

There is one thing that happened that I never expected. Ted Turner has bought movies and I'm watching them on his channel. Thank you Mr. Turner because a lot of these I remember watching them when I was a little boy.

Can I say one thing. I've got Jim, Ger and Bob keeping me posted as regards Roy. I could not have survived without them. Thank you so much, it is so appreciated. I owe them and I won't forget it.

I had a rather strange work day yesterday. There may be eighty persons whom work at Market Probe during the day. Everyone was sent home at noon because of lack of work but meem. It's not because I'm special. I assumed Maria, almost the big boss, hated my guts. Apparently not as much I thought. And Joanne, my immediate supervisor and a lesser boss but a cute one, I love more than life itself. A blond with a mind. And Gord, the big boss, I talk to like he's my nephew. We get along.

And I have a new bike in apartment. I steal glances at it every so often. It's a $99 special at Canadian Tire but it is new. And the other bike is at the bike shop and Evan at the bike shop mentioned I shouldn't ride it because the frame is broken, but I rode it all last summer like that and it is a great bike. Now I have two bikes which is what I need.

As one might expect, I'm starting to waiver as regards moving to Creston this year. I have to have disability money coming in and that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I haven't even gone to a Doctor yet. I may be worthy but I hate to think of that path. And I know you are all cute but you'd get tired of me in an instant: "uncle don, why are you annoying?" "I"m just out on the deck reading the New Yorker" "don't you have place to go?" "not really" It won't work, I can tell.

Of course I'm a little pleased that ger and kev stayed at Bob's last weekend. In spite of the fact that Bob was passed out in his chair at 3am and Ger couldn't awaken him and Kev locked himself into a Foothills Hospital staff bathroom because he felt woozy and he needed time to himself and the nurses were pounding on the door. I think we have a good family, I hate to say "I told you so" but I knew this a long, long time ago. And Brandy going up to Calgary, and Julie being there for Roy. I look from afar and see good things. Roy would be pleased and he may not have realized how loved he is. Not bad aye?

Ger and Kerri's trip to Mexico

A cute couple.