The Green Bum Award

Many families enjoy gardening. Anita really loves it. I try to stay awake while she describes her yard. And it is pretty good.

So to Anita the Green Bum Award goes to you ths month. With your dedication, I'm sure the Green Thumb Award is soon to follow.

It's never been clear to me what these birds have to do with anything in Creston. Tyler, after noting my wallet was bereft, gave me his wallet with the inscription NWTF on it. I presumed that meant No Way The Fowl.

No Uncle Don, it is a celebration. "of what". "turkeys". "turkeys?" "so why aren't we out on the lawn killing them". "Because it is federation and they have door prizes and they eat roast beef" "roast beef?". "yes" "not turkey?". "nope". "So Jim and Ger are attending the Turkey Federation and are going to eat roast beef?" "yes uncle". "why is the turkey federation meeting being held in Cranbrook Tyler?" "because there is too many turkeys in Creston and none there". "I've got it now, so that means the lack of turkey is good?". "uncle don don't be stupid, they are trying to grow them there". "turkeys?". "Uncle Jim calls them fowl". "fowl?" "Uncle jim wants the name changed to the Federation of Fowl". "not the federation of turkeys?". "no uncle Don, Uncle Jim likes the word fowl". "But it's a turkey". "Uncle Jim told me it was a fowl and I believe him".

"how is uncle Jim, Tyler?". "not bad". "has he got big stomach?" "yes". "what about Ger?" "cool". "would you want to eat beef at a fowl party with Ger and Jim Ty?". "I'm not that stupid Uncle Don".

Britney

Jim hasn't sent me a photo of the 'real' Britney so I substituted a phoney one. The real Britney is cute and now is a young lady. I could be wrong but the bird and Max loved me the most.

At least they used to, after a year they probably have forgotten about me by now. But when one comes from afar and see's the love in their eyes it's tough to ignore.

Perhaps the 'real' Britney has forgotten that I will never jump on the trampoline. Eek, maybe I will this one time. But I will watch her forever.

Serenity

A pic of Roy gazing at a mesa while watching the sun set. Has anyone noticed he looks better from behind? Roy's brother Don also gazes once in a while, although usually it's just into space.

I don't know what it is about Don. He's obviously not normal. He somehow figures out he can write, actually gets an article or two published, has a New York Times writer as a mentor and then decides that his life is not so bad as it is: a job that isn't that bad, people at work whom he cares about, a family who is far away but who he thinks doesn't mind him, a bike he can ride where he feels almost equal to anyone because he doesn't have to walk much.

And he is enjoying himself a wee touch. He's in that particular time in life where he can look at family and think: that's Kev, that's Jim, that's Ger, that's Julie, that's Roy, that's Bob: what weird persons to be related to. They are kind of kooky.

Next week: How to interpret the Storm language: The Myths.

A recent addition

This is Theo Storm, courtesy of Craig and Lidka. Like all Storms, he is cute. Welcome to our world Theo.

Father and Daughter

After fifty years, Roy still looks handsome to me. It must be the three weeks he needs to recover from a hangover. Julie, on the other hand, only needs five or six minutes, tops. It must be a Miller thing because I myself need at least a day, although I can sometimes have a beer the next day with 19 hours sleep under my belt.

Although Julie looks very beguiling and cute in this picture, don't be fooled. Under that precocious exterier dwells a caring person. I don't know why this incident has stayed with me all these years, but I remember my first experience with downhill skiing at Sunshine Village. I was so bad that everyone finally left me to my own devices except Julie and Gail. They got me down the Strawberry run somehow. I think there is a picture somewhere that shows me wiping out Roy and Leo getting off the lift. After that day, how I ever kept on skiing I'll never know.

And one day at a ski hill that I can't now remember the name of, I achieved perfection (in my mind). I did the moguls and I was good, Kev and Jim saw me come down that run and even they were impressed. Gawd did I have a good time with Jim and Kev in the lounge after. And the ride back to Calgary in Jim's white van was so nice. Jim driving, Kev in the middle nodding off and me in the passenger seat telling Jim that the day had been the greatest day of my life. And I remember Switzer, watching Ger, Kev, Robin and Neil hot dogging it and skiing with Marlene (she was a better skiier than me by far at the time).



One good thing though is that it takes Roy six weeks to get over his hangover

The Family Tree

No, this isn't a picture of Brad and Angelina. These two are much cuter. Look at Roy, if that isn't movie star handsome I don't know what is. And Anna just oozes cuteness and appeal.

Unfortunatey they decided to have children. I remember someone mentioning this to Roy and Leo (presumably it was God) at the time: Don't. Children will only cause problems and you don't really need nine migraines. And the migraines, I mean children, are sure to annoy your beloved bro Don, whom has enough problems trying to cope with his younger brother Bob.

Of course no one listened and presto!! Nine kids in four years. Marlene was leaving the hospital with a new bundle of joy in her arms while Anna was going in. The bedsheets in the hospital never got a chance to get cold.

It all worked out to my complete amazement. Marlene and Leo lived in the strangest places while raising a family and Roy and Anna lived in a shack. The song: Okie From Muskokee comes to mind.

The Millers and The Douvilles. I must admit both Roy and Marlene married into great families. Odd, but great. To little old shy me, Leo's family seemed so wonderful because they were so exuberant and typically French-Canadian. As an example, when I think of Armand, I think of someone who has a nice smile and who can talk about anything and one can't feel anything but comfortable in his presence. And the Millers. Jack Miller had that Irish glint in his eye that I can't define it but it was like a little leprechaun was hidden inside his body.

And so as one might expect, the nine little kids were all different in so many ways. And I saw my mother's eyes light up every time she held and caressed every one of them. And dad, although outwardly gruff, was putty in their hands.

So many members of the Miller, Douville and Storm family tree have left us and none of us really stop grieving. But the tree blossoms and their are more stories, so many more, to be told. I think all of us can look back and say: "jeezus gawd lord I'm glad I was born, life is good and bad, but I like it and mostly I enjoy being along for the ride, and just perhaps, although the odds are maybe slim and none, I'm going to meet up with all our family members who are no longer on this earth and I am going to have one big fucking huge party with them" (pardon the language).

The San Andreas Fault

Kev is the only family member whose face will adorn The Storm Clan blog twice. There is not enough space in one comment to cover all his faults.

Has anyone but me noticed that he doesn't actually know the correct way to start a fire. I'm sitting quietly and patiently with beer in hand waiting for him to unload the pallets off the pickle and he just takes his sweet old time getting the fire started.

And he cheats in darts for gawds sakes. How low is that? He has a homing device in each of his darts. The only reason why he loses once in a while is because he looks at Anita with loving eyes and gives her his darts. That is true love.

And he doesn't bike. He wouldn't know one if he saw one. I will broach the subject of him purchasing a mountain bike and biking with me when I move out there someday. I will be looked at with complete and utter disdain. But if my past history in Toronto is any indication, he will do it. It will be a challenge but I'm quite confident I can talk him into it.

Mother and son

A nice picture isn't it. So Julie is holding a beer. We can't expect miracles, it's The Storm Clan remember. Whatever silly words I can write, a picture like this is worth a thousand of them. Every picture I just posted today is worth more than all of the tea in China to me.

The scenery

Note the beautiful mountains and the way the clouds are scudding across the sky and the water has got a nice hue. I wish the person pictured holding the fish would get out out of the way so I could tell exactly what hue the water is.

People will do anything nowadays to get their picture taken. For example, this person just wondered in camera range with a couple of fish expecting a picture to be taken. And survival caps and jackets are out this year. If he didn't have such a cute smile and dimpled cheeks and not a bad mustache, I would've thrown him overboard so I get the perfect scenic view.

A Mexicali Babe

Who knew Ger liked women who smoke cigars? Many, if not most, members of The Storm Clan look at the bod first. And what is even odder is that Ger likes his babes holding a blue glass with a straw in it. Ger doesn't really care about....you know...those things. The rest of The Storm Clan are beneath him, he has principles to uphold. The cigar, the blue glass, what else is there to behold? I'm two crass. I'm a pair of crassness.

The Storm Clan Guru

Jim, the self-appointed guru of the Storm clan decided to fish. He caught fish. He had fun. He had a toke and a drink. He slept.

End of story.

Old time religion

It had to happen. Roy, The Supreme Old Fart Of All Time, turned religious. I was hoping he would wait until he passed on but no he has to do it now. He is pictured here after he made the twenty-five minute, arduous trek to the hidden cross which is situated due west of Kev's marijuana garden.

We are all behind you Old Supremo.

A hostage taking incident

Although the family pictured here appears completely normal, it isn't. You'll note that the person pictured on the far right seems to be under some discomfort. Who wouldn't be disconcerted after being abducted and being forced to have a great visit with Justin and Kristin and then having a gourmet meal after? I'm hoping to be abducted by Jamal, I mean Ger, again and forced to sit in their hot tub for a while with a glass of vino in hand. But of course I've never known any Storm clan member to truly enjoy the good things in life, as in hot tubs. Normally they are used once and then ignored forever thereafter. Whereas I would be in it everyday, but I'm not normal.

Not to forget, the person pictured on the far left is the noted mafia don, Dino. Dino is the only person who actually knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. And his sister Myheldafred, pictured next to Dino, has been indicted for, to quote the rap sheet: 'coyness while not being caught for stealing the hearts of others".

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

Some members of the Storm clan tend to have noticeable mood swings on a daily basis. Case in point: Kev. One time when I was in Creston, I tiptoed around when he came home for lunch while poor, deprived Anita was at work trying keep the family afloat. I spent hours making him soup and a bacon and cheese sandwich. And of course I tried to keep the sandwich warm for him and what he does do? He spoons the soup down in an instant and then falls asleep. I was crushed he didn't want the sandwich at that point in time. Just because he wanted to eat it as an afternoon snack didn't allay my feeling of ineptitude as a chef. And then he woke up, stomped around a bit and grunted something that I took to mean 'later'.

And later that evening, me, Max, the boys and Anita and Roy are watching the Canucks. Kev literally walked over me and Roy to get to his seat and generally caused an upheaval and/or uproar throughout the game (of course I loved every moment of it). And so this is a picture of Dr Jekyll. Mr Hyde we don't really want to see a picture of. It's a good thing Mr Hyde exists though. A really good thing.

editorial

It has come to my attention that I'm on an e-mail list of several unidentified (Kerri and Julie) sources who continue to send me "cute" pics and perportedly 'funny' jokes. The Crabbyshack doesn't appreciate these.

Karri doesn't do it often and besides she looks awfully cute in a bikini so I'll forgive her just this once. But Julie has confirmed to me that she is either adopted or being held hostage in her own mind.

No true Storm clan member would send "cute" pics to another Storm clan member. It's not done. The Storm family has values to uphold. And referring to my STORM FAMILY VALUES manual (which was written by our dearest and oldest Storm family member Claudius the Noxious) I note a clause that says, quote: a member of the Storm clan can do anything in the world except send 'cute" and/or perportedly 'funny' jokes to another member of the Storm clan. The clause goes on to say that is perfectly okay to dismember them, maim them, hang them above a hot fire by the ankles for seven days, etc, etc. The normal things.

A Storm tribunal is discussing the matter. Julie (aka specimen X) may have to submit to a DNA test. The tribunal may take all the blood out of specimen X and remove any 'cute' chromozomes and replace them with the required 'crabby' chromozones.

Until then specimen X, I mean Julie, is under watch. Any more cute behaviour on her part will be reported to Donald The Crabby IV.

The art and collected works of Jim, Ger, Julie and Kev

I can't find any but I'm searching. I'll find it. Jim was the first born. Everyone clap. And Ger came about because Roy and Anna were bored. And none of us actually know why Julie was born. And Kevin. An act of desperation.

Refer all questions to Roy, the last living fossil. Uncle Don is probably not the one to turn to since he hasn't figured out how to tie shoe laces.

Atonement, or Not?

As the sun sets on another day in Santa Barbara, it has come to the attention of this blogger that the bloggees are getting concerned about the updates on my blog.

In the interests of my self-preservation, this blogger should, in the future, only portray the life and times of Ger and Jim in terms of the way they think it should be portrayed. They truly believe that their lives consist of being God's gift to everyone, being downtrodden but yet rising above all the flotsam and jetsom of life and thus being heroes to those lucky enough to know them and, of course, having the complete confidence in themselves to know they are right all the time.

But I've never heard Brenda or Karri mention those being Ger and Jim's good traits. In fact, I've never heard Brenda or Karri mention Jim and Ger having any good traits at all. When I'm in doubt, I always side with the women, it's always worked for me.

So I will continue to tell the 'truth" as painful as it might be.

(Editor's note: This ad payed for by the Karri/Brenda Fund for Assisting Annoying Husbands Whom Think They Are Meaningful (KBFAAHWTTAM)).

Upcoming Events

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Jim and Ger have become quite active in the aged community since they found out that they are going to be granddads.

Jim was appointed Chairman of the National Committe of Old Farts. Ger is the First Vice-President-elect.

Normally, the convention is held Biennially on the Wednesday following the anniversary of Lawrence Welk's death. But Ger talked Jim into holding it annually on the Saturday preceding the birth of Methuselah. A dance contest, held in conjunction with the convention, was discontinued in 1985 because Guy Lombardo passed away.

Jim and Ger are quite progressive as far as old farts go. They decided to hire a consultant to encourage more old farts to join the old farts association. Roy, The Supreme Old Fart Of All Time was chosen to pick the consultant. He didn't have to go far: he chose Don, the Current Old Fart Supremo. "Don, Old Fart Supremo, how do we get more members?" Ger asked. "who are you, young fart are you a member of the farts association?" Supremo Don asked. "yes oh supremo I am and I have question, how do we get more farts?" "Ah, yes, well I have been training a young fart to take over my throne: The Iron Fart Throne" Supremo Don said. "Oh Sepremo Fartness, whom would that beith". Ger asked. A roll of drums: "Funny you ask". "it will beith Kevin The Regurgitation Fart on the Fifth Behafth". Ger and Jim in unison: "We have a young fart to take over an old fart and he will bring many fart members in".

"Yes", Roy The Supreme Fart Of All Time said "Yay", Don the Supremo Fart said, "ooh" Ger and Jim The Up And Coming Farts sighed. "all hail Kevin The Regurgitation Fart".

From the Archives - A Weekend Camping Trip

Last May, while Kev, Ger Colin and Jim decided to stay at the campground, the fairer sex decided to drive into Yahk to buy beer, whiskey and cigarettes. Of course the girls were talking a mile a minute and Anita, the driver, didn't notice the Moyie River had risen so much that it was flowing across the highway.

Pictured here, from left to right, are Anita, Karri, Jennifer and Brenda. Note that Anita was doing all the work, Karri, Jennifer and Brenda were just trying to warm their hands.

Alf, the Greyhound bus driver volunteered to take them in to his motel room to warm up, but Tyler drove up just in time to rescue them. The four of them went back to Creston and bar-hopped, while Kev, Ger, Colin and Jim stewed around the campfire. Finally, after the whiskey ran out they jumped into Ger's truck and headed to Yahk. And of course there was even more b.s. going on and so Ger drove right into the water. They had to pay Alf, the Greyhound bus driver $500 to pull the truck out.

A good time was had by all, especially the women and Tyler.