Vancouver wins the first one

Is anyone still alive and kicking in Creston? Vancouver won in the fourth OT period last night against Dallas. That must have been quite a game to watch.

I see Ottawa beat Pittsburgh, agh.....where's Sidney?

Pics of Tony Orlando and Dawn.

"uncle don I resent that" "I'm sorry, Tony Orlando and Karri" "I'm not Tony Orlando" "well you should be, can you sing?" "yes" "there you go, what's the prob, I'm pleased I wasn't invited to the wedding, I couldn't have surived you singing 'tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree' one more time.

My e-mail isn't working this weekend so in lieu of that:

Dear niece/nephew/friend/alien:

I think you are a blankety-blank blank. Send money and a change of clothes.

Your dearest uncle/friend/earthling,

uncle don/donald/zeke

It's going to be 19 above in Creston today. And here it's minus 7. Ask me why I'm depressed: "uncle don why are you depressed?" "because when I finally arrive in Creston all the good weather will be used up". "and?" "and it's not fair to have Ger, Robin and Kev enjoying something they don't care one whit about, they don't bike, they wouldn't know a headwind if it hit them in the head" "and?" "and the three point nine million people whom live in Toronto would give their eye teeth for nineteen above but there is this wierd, and very small population in Creston who have no clue that they are lucky and all three point nine million of us hope the wierd and very small population of Creston is wiped out by flash floods, the plague and several nine point nine earthquakes" "and?" "if Vancouver and Calgary meet in the playoffs, which presumably they will, I'm cheering for Calgary" "Robin, Kev and Colin won't like you" "too bad, whippee-effing-do, at least they aren't freezing to death"

"It will be seventeen above in Cranbrook today uncle don" "oh gawd, Jimmy's going to pass out from heat prostration" "you like 39 above with lots of humidity don't you uncle don" "uh-huh, for some reason my bones don't ache and my nose doesn't run when I'm biking in extreme heat and humidity, I should have been born on the Yangtze River delta"

"uncle don?" "yes?" "why are there 3.9 million people living in Toronto and five thousand and seventy-two persons living in Creston?" "I don't know" "Creston is pretty" "yep" "not much traffic" "nope" "the people are nice" "yep" "no smog" "nope" "cherry blossoms in the spring" "yep" "no cyclists in velour" "nope" "a low crime rate excepting for an old guy getting dinged $189 for not doing anything from a two-bit mountie who probably goes home after work and beats his pet hamster" "yep" "uncle don you aren't bitter about that incident are you?" "oh yeah, oooooh yeah, yes, uh-huh, oui, for sure" "uncle don, you got your letter of protest published in the Advance" "that does not begin to cover my annoyance and I get an invoice from ICBC every two months to remind me how annoyed I am" "you can't fight Ottawa (RCMP) or Victoria (ICBC) uncle don" "I can but I wouldn't bother normally, but this invoice every two months is starting to make my blood boil"

And I probably have one of the nicest places to live in history of mankind. Of course I've got Devin the toker across the hall and Nick the Greek upstairs whom is deliusonal but they are okay. I don't know if I've ever explained this but in my apt I have the biggest RCA wooden unit that ever existed. It actually takes up half the room, it's got a turntable and whoever left it here left records. And It has a radio of course. The greatest sound I've ever heard. I mentioned to Kevin once that I listen to classical music. This unit is made for that kind of music.

To continue, one block away there is sirens and a lot of people but here, none. And I only pay $425/month which for Toronto is unheard of. I'm sorry, but I think god looks after me. He likes to make me suffer but He doesn't go overboard. You all have big mansions and space and money. But I'm quite content to enjoy what I've got and muddle through and survive and above all read. I can't sleep at all and I never have been able to. The difference between me here and you all out there is beyond your comprehension by about twenty thousand light years. I try my best not to bring it up and I think I've been more or less successful in that regard. And you continue to amaze me. There may be persons luckier than me, I don't think so but it could happen. I'm not really that aware but I must admit I'm impressed. Even Ty sounded like he was pleased to hear from me. That never happens. And last week I talked to Brenda, hello. She cheered me up.

I'm not worthy. Although the thought of dragging Jim's, Ger's and Kev's bodies behind a logging truck between Nelson and Kaslo has a certain appeal. And then there is Neil. I have to put his mustache to good use. Does anyone know if lip hairs are good for cleaning septic tanks? I'm not sure, but we'll find out. Robin's cute. I'll only use the upper half of his body as a rats nest. I love rats. And then I'm going to tie the five bodies together and raft down the Moyie in August. People from the shore will yell: "is that Jimmybob? without recognizable features and limbs he looks different"

Are we done with the birthdays for awhile. Hello. Not quite yet, Marlene's on Monday. It's only Saturday tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to going to work on Monday. I got something in mind that I should come out there for a week but Ger talked me out of it. And of course the weather here has been terrible so I can't bike. I keep telling myself it's only April but I've seen it in Toronto where there is no spring. May 31st it's winter and June 1st it's 99 above with humidity.

Jimmy complains about the heat in July and August. If I only had that problem. If I hear Jim complain about the heat once more, I'm going to kill him and send his body to an abattoir. And after the slaughterhouse is finished with his bod, I'll scatter his few remaining remains on a glacier in Antarctica, and with his last breath I know he will say: "can we open the window". Life imprisonment is not much of a deterrent for me since I don't have much life left. Is torture still allowed in B.C.? If I hear Jim complain about the heat I'm going to build a torture chamber. And stock it with persons whom complain about the heat.

When I move to the equator, I won't complain. I'm not a cold climate person, I should have been born in Baghdad, the average temperature there is 22 above in April.

Okay I'm done about the weather but as a cyclist, the two hundred kilometre headwind in Toronto is hard to take and it gets a little annoying when it's ten above with a wind chill of minus 55. I'll kill anyone whom complains about the heat.

Love you all except Jimmy, who's bod I'm having shipped to the North Pole by Fedex this summer.

Happy birthday ty

I don't think there is anyone in the family whom doesn't think you are a good person Tyler. You are annoying but nice to have around. Kill Kev if possible. I'm sorry you've got his genes, not much you can do about, I personally think you should hang him from a rafter until his bod stops quivering. "

Oh, I guess he's okay in a roundabout, completely annoying way. Unfortunatly or not, it will be up to me kill him on the the canoe trip. Which I intend on doing if I'm allowed. I'll have to ask Jim if we will have the facilities for a burial at sea, or in this case, at Moyie. I'll be the first person in the history of the Moyie to mutiny in a conoe and throw the so-called captain overboard and use his body as a bumper. I'm sharpening my scabbard as I speak.

The famous virgo

I talked to Ty yesterday and he seemed to have read the blog. Agh. It's Tyler's birthday on Sunday. He'll be almost half as old Jim and they are both cute except Jim has to rely on his stomach to find his way around. And Ty has to rely on his brains, which is why he's lost most of the time. If one put Jim's stomach and Tyler's brain together one would have a fat inkblot (the Warshak Test, I'm sorry if I go over everyone's head). I'm kidding of course, they are two of my favourite persons. Which brings me to the subject of Ger:

Once every ten years or so I think I'm brilliant, once every five years I think I'm above average in intelligence but 99.99% of the time I know I'm beyond stupid, bordering on the cerabrally-challenged. Ger can't be a virgo, although he fits most of the virgo criteria (angst-ridden, practical, stable, vulnerable yet pragmatic): he's creative more than all of us put together. In our own way we are all special but when I see what Ger can do with iron I'm amazed. And his brain isn't bad either. Some of the e-mails I've received from Ger in the past are unreal, he can talk the talk and walk the walk.

But: "ger?" "yes uncle don?" "you and Justin can be so annoying" "in what way?" "you don't know, did you leave your brain at home?" "I thought we were cute" "did you ever see the movie 'The Mummies'? "yes uncle don I did" "did you note that the mummies were mum?" "they were quiet" "they were mum" "but unc.." "Justin do you have any duct tape?" Yes, but...." "may I borrow it?" "yes but dad is brillia...." "I was only going to put two layers of duct tape on your lips now you get three" "how many does dad get, mmph" "twelve, I hope he can eat through his nose, note how quiet it is all of sudden, I can actually hear the jackhammer" Yay hah.

Editor's note: I don't know what I would have done without Ger, Jim, Julie and Bob. I came so close to jumping on a plane but their phone calls and e-mails were enough. Any less and I couldn't have survived. I keep going back to this but we know. We don't have to see each other every day, it's a given that we look after each other.

Easter forecast

Well as usual Toronto is getting the short end of the stick. Flurries and cold until gawd knows when (probably May). Calgary, Cranbrook and Creston are all going to see sun and temperatures in the teens by Saturday. The only saving grace for me is that the Masters golf tournament and the world curling championships from Edmonton are on during the day time which I love watching. Sheesh, if Toronto and Montreal both win the next game, we will see them play for a final play-off spot on Saturday night. Wouldn't that be something.

Have a great Easter weekend everyone.

Jimmy's 50th birthday

What can I say? I respect no one more on this planet than Jim. And fifty isn't that old really. Jim's only eight in dog years, three in cat years, and two hours old in gerbil years.

And he'd better be in his fifties for twenty or thirty years because when he turns sixty I'm outta here. I will just barely be able to withstand my eight other nieces and nephews turning fifty after Jim in the years to come: "Gail's turning fifty." "whom?" "Gail" "Gail Whom?" "Gail Douvillm" "could you excuse me for a moment?" "certainly, where are you going?" "I'm going to bike to New South Wales, Australia and back, don't wait up".

"Everything's relative, Uncle Don" "I know, Jim's relatively old which means I'm relatively ancient, and there is no relatively about it, one is either ancient or one is not". "Should we not celebrate Jim's 50th birthday Uncle Don, he's alive and doing amazingly well, health-wise". "he hides his pain well and on April 3rd his pancreas will give out along with a few other internal organs" "how can you tell?" "because it almost happened to me" "what prevented it?" "pure, unadulterated luck".

"Uncle Don, as Jimmy looks back on his first fifty years what should he be proud of?" "surviving". "surviving?" "no further words need be spoke". "what does jim have to look forward to in his next fifty years, uncle don?" "really good times I hope, I think for all of us it has been somewhat of a dark period losing Marlene and now maybe Roy, of course overlayed by the ups and downs of getting on with life and enjoying family and friends and work, but for Jim it's been particularly tough with the fire and having to live at either Brenda's moms and a little while at a hotel for so long, it must have been a nightmare" "he survived that pretty good didn't he uncle don?" "he did, and now Roy"

"uncle don?" "yes" "take a deep breath and don't worry about family anymore, they will survive without you, what's with you anyway, get a life". "but..." "they know you love them by now" "..but" "bye"

Two famous virgos

"With an acute attention to detail, the Virgo is the sign in the zodiac most dedicated to serving. Their deep sense of the humanity leads them to caregiving like no other....the Virgo is often gentle and delicate.


"ger?" "what uncle don?" "we are gentle and delicate" "whom?" "us" "and we have a deep sense of humanity" "we have?" "yes, and we are humane" "to whom?" "I don't know, I'd like to shoot something" "I'll aim and you can pull the trigger"

So Donna, Robin, Colleen, Jim, Tyler and Bob are Aries. And Marlene. I'm sure there's more, because I always felt I was an outcast because I wasn't born at this of time year.

I happened to check out a few 'experts' on the subject and noticed that there is absolutely no grounds in thinking that astrology has any foundation in modern scientific knowledge.

Example 1: "Ariens are always overflowing with ideas, schemes and plans to conquer the world, for a well-aspected sun in Aries radiates power and vitality."

Rebuke: I don't see it, although Jimmy and Robin were both overflowing with annoying schemes, plans and ideas.

Example 2: "Ariens are great organisers, full of flair and originality, although usually lacking discipline and the capacity for prolonged effort (minions must be found to do the slog work!)."

Rebuke: I don't know about organizing, but Donna, Jim, Bob, and Robin certainly lacked discipline: maybe they grew into it but they didn't when they were little. I can't talk about Colleen and Tyler of course but as a minion, I do think Bob, Donna, Jim and Robin could have been nicer to me as they were organizing their flair for originality. Colleen and Tyler are just innocent bystanders. Maybe not Tyler, Ill kill him one of these days. I'm thinking of using his body as a launch pad for the next lunar mission. And after it's been fried, I'm going to scatter his ashes on my chrysanthemums.

And then I checked out the compatibility between Virgos and Aries: "Virgo, the Virgin, and Aries, the Ram make a rather odd couple". Hello. "Impulsive Aries makes split-second decisions and acts on them instantly, while you are inclined to agonize over details until the opportune moment has long passed."

Now I'm angst-ridden. My moment has passed. A long time ago apparently. Who brought up this stupid astrology stuff?

Yay hah, I hope Donna had a nice birthday and I hope Robin, Jim, Bob, Tyler, and Colleen will have a nice birthday.

Have a great birthday tomorrow Robin, you still look twenty to me. Well, close. Fairly. Within a decade or three. You probably feel twenty. All the aches and pains are just in your head.
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Oh face it you're old.

Have a great one!

From Robin

E-mail from Robin:

"Neil was hiking around in the wilderness while I was up in Burns Lake with Marcel at the hockey provincials. Our team placed second and got silver medals. We beat Vanderhoof last year, but they were a determined team this year and beat us 4-0 in the final. We were plannin to drive home thru Jasper, but they closed the road for avalanche control and we had to drive home thru ALberta. We went thru one of your old haunts - Rocky Mountain House. You can almost smell the oil money oozing out of the ground there. Really busy with rig trucks, platforms, etc. 14-1/2 hour drive from McBride thru Jasper, Hinton, Edson, Rocky, Caroline, Cochrane, Canmore, Banff, Radium, Fairmont, Cranbrook and Creston."

More of Neil's ski trip

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To see more of Neil's pics, go to :

http://photoshare.shaw.ca/view/7922240888-1174602242-23049/20

Outhouse

Neil is cute and he doesn't attach names to his pics often. But he did attach a name to this pic: Outhouse. I kind of feel sorry for Stanley Mitchell having had to plod to this building every morning in the spring.

So the Loafs won but so did everyone else. Again, they are not going to make the playoffs. And no one will get fired. It's beyond me how come they allow modiocrity to reign year after year. I'm not a fan of John Ferguson, Jr. And the 905 (the area code of the suburbs of Toronto) persons just sit in front of their sports bar televisions and let let it happen without complaining. If there is one organization I hate more than life itself, it is Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment. They have not a brain. Nil. And of course in the playoffs I'll see nothing but the Ottawa Senators. Never the Canucks, and when the Canucks are on television in the playoffs, the game will start too late for me me to stay up. I don't watch the Senators. Anyone else but not them: I hope they get eliminated early but they won't, they'll win several series, so I won't be seeing much hockey this spring. I'd rather watch Bowling for Dollars than watch Ottawa play. I imagine the expectations are high in Creston regarding the Canucks. For Colin and Robin's sake, I hope the Canucks do well.

In spite of having a good day yesterday with biking to work and all, I did go through hell once during the day. Yesterday I was conducting surveys on catfood. Everything was moving along nicely and I just needed one more survey to complete the study. Just one more. So I dialled a number at 12:57 pm (three minutes before my lunch break): ringy, ringy, hello? "hi mrs. Hildebrandt, have you got three minutes to spare, I'm conducting a survey on cat food" "yes?" "I have a qualifying question, do you have a cat?" "yes (yay, I'm thinking)" "what brand of cat food do you serve it?" "Well, it depends really, I've got 25 cats and they are all fussy" "can you name any brand of cat food?" "not really, I have the grocery store mix and match".

"But what brand do you buy most often?" "are you asking about holistic or natural?" "I'm asking about cat food". "boxed, tinned or bagged?" "tinned" "I don't normally buy canned cat food except if Fritz is in his take-out mood" "whom?" "Fritz" "I mean what brand?" "you'd have to ask Cleo" "whom?" Cleo" "whom and/or what is Cleo?" "the parakeet (oncoming headache)" "how would Cleo know what brand of cat food Fritz ate?" "because Cleo watches Theo spoon the cat food into the cat food dish" "whom?" "Theo" "is Theo your budgie?" "don't be so silly, she's my meditation instructor" "as in zen?" "no, zen is the name of my turkish angora" "where was I?" "you were asking me about cat food young man, do you have a cat?" "no, I have a migraine" "I only feed my cats certain brands" "(ears perk up) aha, and what brands would those be?" "I import them from the middle east"

"Mrs Hildebrandt could you look at a can and tell me if it's in the Armenian, Kurdish or the Hebrew language, I can finish the survey in those languages" "Coptic" "Coptic?" "Coptic, it's got a picture of a pharaonic temple on it" "Mrs Hildebrandt, that's your priceless art, look for a picture of a cat" "aha here it is, IAMNOT" "whom?" "IAMNOT" "if I said IAMS would that set off bells and whistles?"

"No but IAMNOT is what I feed chu chu" "whom?" "chu chu" "Yayhah, so on a scale where one means yucccchhh and 10 means purrrrrr, how would chu chu rate the texture of the Primo Select IAMNOT cat food?" "actually I've been eating Primo Select lately" "whom?" "meam" "what about chu chu, she's probably starving" "my cook does the Porterhouse pretty good, I don't think chu chu is going to starve". "(sigh) Okay Mrs. Hildebrandt how would you rate IAMNOT Primo Select on taste" "two" "whom?" "two" "may I ask a question mrs hildebrandt?" "certainly" "you are passing up a porterhouse steak for IAMNOT Primo Select cat food and you are giving it a rating of two?" "can I say one?" "how about the texture mrs Hildebrandt, what number?" "ten" "aroma?" "ten" "palette?" "ten" "color?" "ten" "taste?" "one".

Mrs. hildebrandt, if I threatened to hang you from a rafter, upside down, and pour phosphoric acid through your vericose veins would I be able talk you into a "five' for taste, I only get paid if I get at least a five" "two" "hydroflouric acid?" "three" "hexacosanoic acid?" "four" "a double bacon cheeseburger with fries?" "ten"

"Thank you Mrs. Hildebrandt, it's now five o'clock but I wish to thank you for your time, IAMNOT thanks you for your time, by the way we've never interviewed a cat so we will send you our free booklet: Why would you not eat cat food, they like it"