The Future of the Storm Clan

Apparently there isn't any. I'm kidding of course. Scientists and nutritionists have recently discovered that beer is tremendously healthy and can prolong life (and make it lot easier to cope with). Thus there could be many Storms who live to be a ripe old age in the next millenium. Ornery and ugly, and ripe.

Editor's note: Please send any angry letters to D. Storm, Box 100, Novosobrusk, Russia.

From the Storm Archives

This is a picture of either Colin or Justin. The reason for the uncertainty is that neither Anita or Bonnie or anyone within a hundred miles wanted to take credit for borning this ahem, beautiful child.

As it turned out, it didn't really matter, they both turned out to be useless. But in fairness they have contributed to mankind in a positive way: they make the rest of us look good.

Editors note: Actually Colin and Justin turned out better than could ever be expected considering they had Kevin and Gerald to look up to. It's the old theory of relativity again. If one is related to Kevin or Ger, things can only get better.

Don's Lament

The clouds are a coming
The winds are arising
The endless highway is ahead
And I've lost all my tread
Only 174 kilometers to go to reach a phone
I must phone God and pick a bone
Why did You allow me go on alone
When I could have stayed home and done the atone
If I survive this I promise I will always be good
And never be crabby and sit there and brood
I'll love everyone and think they are smart
Although there will be a few I'll worry about
I'm hungry and thirsty and tired too
Gawd help me I'm stupid and where is the loo?

A Family in Crisis

This is a picture of the survivors of the 'great snowstorm of '93'. It was taken in Kevin's basement just after it was discovered that help wasn't on the way. Some members of the family received second degree burns when they had a toot and brushed against the furnace, several others were maimed when Colin (the cute little boy in the front row standing in front of Kevin) threw darts at them, and quite a few became ill when Tyler (the adorable baby sitting on Anita's lap) threw up on them. Max finally saved the day by getting underfoot causing Kevin to scream so loud that rescuers were able to locate the house using hearing-ear dogs (they didn't have seeing-eye dogs back then).

Cuteness personified

I took this off of Bob's website:

http://www.bobstorm.com/

Wow!!!

Reflections on nature

Nature. Each and every member of Roy's family has their own feelings about nature. In his prime Jim challenged nature and became a local legend in his own mind. Ger, on the other hand, doesn't need adventure, he loves water, fish, sand and sun. Consequently most people think he is weird. And Julie. Did we define nature? Does it have to be outdoors? I may or may not have seen Julie watering a plant once. And then there is Kevin. Kevin is one with nature, as long as he is the only one. I took this picture when I was scouting sites for my ashes to be scattered. It's in New Zealand but whoever is delegated to scatter them must adhere to certain principles when he/she is standing on top of the rock bluff with the urn in hand: be sombre, my ashes will be crabby; have a beer in hand even if you don't like beer, my ashes will thank you; don't stumble or my ashes will kill every bone in your bod; and finally burn the letter from The New Yorker telling me my article is finally accepted.

Jim's moving day

As you read this, Jim, Brenda and Britney will have moved into the new home. The insurance money was tremendously helpful except it didn't cover moving expenses. Rather than rent a truck to move they borrowed this one from Uncle Zeke, the taxidermist. Everything worked out well, except the truck kept backfiring inside the city limits and he recieved four tickets for noise pollution.

From the Archives

Bob was kinda strange as a child. Note the funny pants. Of course, it wasn't Bob's fault the front tire was square, Dad just didn't want him to get lost. When he reached the age of 15, he finally graduated to a two-wheeled bicycle. And then he ran away from home and joined the Hell's Angels (he grew up real fast).

Sitting around the Campfire

Kevin and I enjoy sitting around a campfire. We love the ambience, the conviviality, the rapport with friends and family when we see the little fire burning, and burning, and getting bigger, and bigger. AND BIGGER!!!!

From the Storm Archives

A picture of our famous, but distant relatives: Fred, Gary and Benny Storm. If my memory serves me correctly, it was taken during a game of Old Maid and Fred was scratching his head wondering why he was always left with the odd card (he was totally unaware how odd he and Gary and Benny looked). Although back in the early '70s it wasn't uncommon to see men wearing suits, sitting up straight, and having a lot of hair on their faces. I remember taking this picture, and I'm sure we were listening to Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven on the gramaphone. After I showed them this picture, they insisted that I airbrush out the bottle of tequilla that was sitting in the middle of the table. They eventually moved to Los Angeles and became noted disco dancers.

Canoeing Do's and Dont's

Most people portage over log jams. Our intrepid canoeists, Jim and Ger, decided it was easier to stay in the canoe and paddle across the log jam. Even expert canoeists (especially these two) have bad days brain-wise.

News Flash

Jim's new home. It's not that bad, it does have running water.

The Office

This is where I write, think, read, and pretty well, ahem, do everything. It is very convenient and soon I will be installing a fridge/microwave oven/bar/tv unit to make my life even easier.

Financial News

That's Jed (I mean Roy) on the far left. They are discussing Pork Belly Futures. I think they decided to eat pork belly's now instead of the future.

Our hero

But Grannie (I mean Jim) is actually quite content with his lot in life. His demeanor has been okay since the fire. This picture shows only his mood in the darkest days. He has come around and he doesn't snap at one too much now if you speak very quietly.

Newsworthy events

Clem (I mean Ger) is continuing his success in annoying people. I talked to his son Abner (I mean Justin) recently and discovered that he's just as annoying as his father. When Ger and Justin enter a room together most people head for the hills. Warning: Do not laugh at their jokes. This picture was taken during the annual Ugly People's Dinner where they were keynote speakers.

The cute side of the family

Ellie Mae (oops, I mean Julie) is continuing to display her '70s line of clothing. When asked about her (pictured here with Mother Teresa) obsession with that era, she replied "it's cool"

Julie feels she two options in life: She doesn't know what they are, but she knows she has two of them.

(photographers note: The most difficult thing in my career was to get Mother Teresa to hold Julie, I should get an award)

The dark side of the family

Jethro (oops, I mean Kevin) doesn't actually do anything of note. Officially, he works (hah!) for Comfort's Welding but in reality he only exists to give the rest of the family something to talk about. This picture was taken on a Sunday afternoon when he had just thrown an aerosol can into a fire. Note the maniacal look in his eyes. His one contribution in life has been to keep the cat population down.

The Family

The latest sleeze and gossip that isn't fit to print.