Saturday, February 24, 2007

Golfing with Kevin

I kind of enjoy golf. I've even been told by a few that I can swing a club with flair. And after hitting the ball it's enjoyable to walk down the first fairway, maybe not to heaven but at least to hell.

Off the Tee:

Kevin, I'm sorry your name comes up first in my memory. If one does golf with Kevin, wear body armour. And of course as we all know the safest place to stand when one is golfing with Kevin is in front of him. I actually stood behind him once thinking: this spot should be okay. So he hit the ball and it went plink, plinck, plink, plink, plink and then finally it hit me on back of head. It didn't hurt because the ball was travelling quite slow by then but it was quite a shock.

First Hint: If one must golf with Kevin, have 19 beer in the clubhouse beforehand.

In the Fairway:

If Kevin hits a good shot on the fairway (which almost never happens) say "wow". For at least fifteen seconds he'll feel good. If he doesn't (the norm) be prepared for a three wood coming your way at speed. And yes he is trying to kill you as well as trying to break his three wood. And above all don't try to talk him into using a five iron, he thinks he's Tiger Woods: "Kev" "what!!!!!" "it's only a hundred yards to the green" "really, I don't have my glasses with me" "use a quiet wedge, the wind is with you" "I'm using a five iron and hitting it hard" "zooooom" "Kevin?" "yes" "your Titleist DM2 has landed in the club pro's cheese omelet up on the patio and he hasn't noticed that he is going to chip his tooth on a very hard boiled egg" "uncle don don't look, pretend we are golfing" "I thought we were golfing, use your ^$%$^% quiet wedge this time"

Second Hint: If one must golf with Kevin, don't let him choose his own clubs.

In the Bunker:

This could be the most annoying part of Kevin's golf game. Kevin rakes the sand trap before he steps in it" "Kevin?" "what" "now that you've made the sand trap pretty I hope you will hit a good shot" "of course.....whiff" "you didn't hit anything including a ball or sand" "do you want this sand wedge wrapped around your neck or just the pointy end of it sticking out of your gall bladder?" "try again but this time aim for the ball" "whoossh" "I see something white, it's beautiful, it's.... going into the lake.

Third Hint: If one must golf with Kevin, go to a course without sand.....or fairways....or water...or greens for that matter.

In the Lake:

99.99% of the population don't know the extent to which Storms won't take a two shot penalty for an unplayable lie : "Kev?" "mmft" "is your scuba gear airtight?" "mmft" "rembember it's a Titliest Dm2" "mmft" "how is the breathing apparatus?" "mmft" "what iron do you want?" "mmft" "a nine iron, yes of course, good choice, there is a camera crew here and they want to catch you in slow-mo although I imagine slo-mo is all you can do. Get a fish while you are down there, I'll want some sushi later.

Fourth hint: If one must golf with Kevin, take breathing apparatus.

On the Green:

"Kevin?" "what" "that is my Titliest Dm5 you are about to hit" "where is my Dm2?" "you drilled it from the water , it went in the hole, that is the most amazing golf shot I've ever seen, you will be on ESPN" "what did I get in this hole?" "nineteen, but still that is quite amazing, ESPN has decided to put you on both their Fishing for Sushi and Golfing Without Pain programs, you'll be famous"

Fifth and last hint: If one must golf with Kevin, take a jug of whisky, pain killers, a fish net, a lot of golf balls and prepare to have fun. I enjoy it.


I once golfed with Jim in Saskatoon and he got a hole-in-one. The golf ball never left the ground, it went merrily on it's way, me and Ken Fujikawa watched it slowly wend it's way down the fairway, up the green and into the cup. Hello. And Ger is actually a pretty good golfer. He doesn't get many points for style but the ball does seem to respond. My next golf installment will be about Ger. There is intrigue and pain involved which is not surprising.
I'm worried about Creston: "uncle don?" "what, I need a nap" "the lawn needs cutting" "by the way where is the highway?" "down that-a-way" "I'm not well" "why not uncle don?" "it's only my third day in Creston and I'm ready to keel over" "you came from Toronto and you are ready to keel over already?" "it's the high altitude" "Toronto and Creston are about the same altitude actually". "it's the bugs, I'm being eaten alive". "the misquitoes died off with the frost last weekend". "my lymph nodes are acting up again" "you had them removed remember" I presume Kevin will be a slave driver, at least I hope he is. Not in a remote chance will I listen to him of course.

One thing sticks in my mind and I wasn't there. Roy and Kevin being timekeepers at a hockey game. Kevin was quite young so the onus was on Roy to keep time. I could tell you from six hundred and fifty-three thousand miles away that that isn't going to work out too well, there will be problems. And there was. Everytime I hear the story from Kevin, I roll around on the floor laughing because it is a classic event in the Storm history. I love stories where one tries so hard but doesn't quite succeed. That is me so much. I could tell a thousand stories about me and my exploits and it is refreshing to hear about others.

One thing I noticed about myself is that it took me a little while to come around after I'd been away for so long as regards blending in to the Storm/Creston way of thinking. I've got it now. Okay it only took me a couple of seconds, for others it would have taken years. Being around Ger and Kev for me is quite special because they are crazy. It drives me crazy at work. There are about four or five stand-up comedians at work whom haven't quite made it yet. I've gone to see them all at comedy clubs because they are friends. The one that could be a super-star does his own material and it's pathetic, but I'm never going to tell him that.

Watching John Miller was a treat for me, not necessarily what he said the way he said it: his eyes would light up and whatever he said you knew was going to be really funny. Anna had a sharp mind in her prime, I've never enjoyed talking to someone so much as her. Anna got me more than anyone else who has ever lived. By quite a bit actually. Anna almost knew what I was going to say on the phone. Several times I got off the phone with Anna and said: "whew, I just met my match" as sweat was running down my brow.