Sunday, April 29, 2007

Medieval torture

I have a problem. I have a sudden urge to inflict pain upon certain family members. Actually it's not sudden, the urge has been with me for quite some time. I don't know if anyone is into medieval torture. I am.

Thumbscrews come to mind: Justin? "yes uncle don?" "can I borrow your thumbs?"

Jim? "yes uncle don?" "would you step into the Iron Maiden, don't worry about the spikes that will penetrate your bod from head to toe when I close the door"

Robin? "yes uncle don?" "would you put your chin on the lower bar of the Head Crusher while I put the 'cap' on the top of your head and turn the screw, anyway your head needs to be smaller"

Neil? "yes uncle don?" "could you get on the Rack while I pull your bod in opposite directions, you always wanted to be six foot nine, so you're going to be six foot nine"

Colin? "yes uncle don?" "do you mind if I put you in this iron harnessy thingy called the Judas Cradle and lower you very, very slowly onto the pointy thingy, don't worry about screaming, the castle keep is soundproof"

Ger? "yes uncle don?" "I've always wanted to use the Heretic's Fork, I'm just going to thrust prongs into your chin and sternum, don't worry that you won't be able to move your head and/or talk, the world will be a better place"

Kev? "yes uncle don?" "would you get on the Wheel, don't worry that your bod will turn into a writhing, slimey, shapeless mass of flesh mixed in with splinters of smashed bones"

Tyler? "yes uncle don?" "I presume you won't mind when I impale you by lowering your bod on top of this Pointed Stake and impaling it through your abdomen and chest cavity, it will be uncomfortable for a while"

Uncle vlad, I mean don? "yes?" "I thought we were cute" "you are so I won't leave your bods to rot that long, only a couple of millenia"