Saturday, June 17, 2006

surviving toronto's heat and humidity

I enjoy the heat and humidity of the Toronto summers. (to be continued when I have enough energy to actually write something when I'm not sweating my ass off).

By the way I'm above it all. But Jim and Ger continue to ignore me. It's beyond me what they are trying to accomplish. I'll kill Jim and his accomplice Ger. I thought I was their favourite uncle but they must have dredged up another one from somewhere and they are probably showering their love and devotion on him now. I rue the day I changed their diapers when I was babysitting them a long, long time ago. Although I may not have, I can't imagine me doing something like that.

I wasn't a bad uncle. Neither one of them could have survived without me. When they were little they really were bohunks (in the nicest sense of the word). Although cute, Jimmy really was annoying when he was a child. And Ger: he may not have been cute, but he made up for it in heft. I've seen smaller elephants. As a child, Jim was devious. Actually so was Ger come to think of it. And that was the good thing about them.

I won't catch the plane. I did once swear that I'll get back at them. Maybe I will catch the plane and pretend I'm not there. The top ten reasons why Jim and Ger are ignoring me:

10. They have nothing better to do.

09. After Brenda drove me to the airport last year, she was hoping that it would be the last time she saw me.

08. I wasn't sincere enough about how nice Anita's flowers are.

07. I should have been more animated about Karri's gravy.

06. Jimmy hasn't bagged a moose for years so he's taking it out on me.

05. Ger hasn't got over the idea that I might be slightly smarter than him.

04. 'my' family in general are all too busy to care.

03. I'm annoying.

02. They are annoying.

01. I'm disruptive of their lives. I've only just begun baby's. Whether it is with Jim, Ger and Kev or Julie or not. If my health will allow me, I'm gonna 'kick ass'. Get used to it. And don't underestimate me, don't ever do that.

An Ode to Max

This person doesn't actually associate with the Hells' Angels too often but he does feel comfortable around them. He was raised by a wolf in the wilds of B.C. and learned to hunt small game at an early age. His early hunting expeditions often took him to Creston whereupon he was afraid of Max the Wonder Dog. All he tried to do was pick up a round object 459 yards from Kevin and Anitas. He was playful but Max was not.

But then he became human and grew to love Max. I think Max loves Don the Wolfman more than anyone else but Roy and Kevin may dispute that. Max loves people and I must agree with him there. And to be raised by Anita, Kev and the boys must have been dog heaven. Even with the cat killing grounds of Kevin, Max knew he was safe. Some little kitty would come up to Max and look at him playfully. Max would just rest his head on his paws and think: you are gone, kaput, enjoy life while it lasts because your life is going to be a very short one. And of course the next day at 7am another kitty would bite the dust.

And after all these years Max knows Kevin. He prefers Anita and the boys but he knows once in a while that Kevin will even love him. And when Kevin is is in that special mood, Max knows he will have the most fun. And both Max and Kevin love very moment of the playfull dog/owner relationship. And Jimmy knows that too. Probably more than anyone else. Unfortunately I've been away too long to describe Kodiak. But I know that that was special.

Uncle Don's Favourite Nieces and Nephews

People Magazine recently asked Uncle Don to rate his favourite nephews and nieces. We go to him now:

"my favourite? can we start with the annoying ones first?". "No Uncle Don, you have to rate them in order of preference". "I don't prefer any of them" " "Try to rate them, this is a big magazine". "Okay, Jimmy was up there, the first one, and Laurie was so lovable and Robin and Ger were beyond me in cuteness, and Donna made me proud, and Julie was extraordinary, and Kevin and Neil were amazing and Gail was special". "Oh that is nice, who are your heroes?".

"jim and Ger" "why". "because I'm going to kill them". "you cant' kill your heroes Uncle Don they are special". "they completely think they are, but don't ask them about their life, they will tell you and you will be bored to tears, hint to all future unlcle: they normally don't make any sense whatsoever and if you say 'interesting' or 'I didn't know that', or 'wow' they will usually want to talk to you for six or seven days. And especially beware: If you get Jim talking about his navy days then your days are numbered because it's impossible to live long enought for his stories. When I'm there try to steer him away from that subject. These old persons love to digress.

"What about Kev?". "what about him?". "Isn't he a little bit your hero?". "Is this on camera?" "yes" "Kev is okay, he'll bring his game face to the game and I'm pleased he's on my team, even though I can make a better fire than him if I put my mind to it". "what if this wasn't on camera Unle Don?". "annoying". "annoying?". "he might be the only person I look up to re funny". "oh uncle don your scared of him". "only his mind, his body I'll kill with the greatest of ease".

"Uncle Don, do you have any regrets?". "Yes just one". "Oh you wanted to spend more time family?" "That too, but no I would have loved to have seen Vesuvious erupt and now I'd like to see most of mankind wiped out by a catastrophe.". "you mean floods and forest fires?". "Those too".