Monday, June 26, 2006
And so it will be nice to get in the hands of Jim, Ger and Kev. What can happen? I've come within a hair's breath of death a thousand times while biking in Toronto so I can't imagine them doing anything to me that I haven't already been through. In fact I'll probably be bored to tears. At least camping there won't be a round table to have them sit around while talking about the same story six hundred times. But that won't stop them will it.
I'm starting to practice my pretending to be interested routine: "hhm", "wow", "isn't that something". "is that right?" as my eyes glaze over. In the first fifteen minutes I will be up-to-date in their lives and then I will have to spend the next three days listening to them repeat it. One good thing about canoeing: When Kev gets annoying I'll just hit him in the back of the head with my oar. And if Jim is in a good mood in the morning, I'll just douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. And if Ger mentions how nice nice the sleeping quarters he's made for me are more than a hundred times, I'll put a rat in his sleeping bag.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
This picture will go down in history as being one of my favourite ones. First of all, one has the cutest child in the history of mankind. And one of my favourite nephews. And one of my favourite brothers, although if he could grow his hair longer, I'd be happier. But he is cute too isn't he? I remember Bob being spoiled as a child and I can see why. He's sometimes mistaken for a banker, real estate agent and/or piano player. This is what being a memeber of the Storm Clan is all about.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
It could be at Kevin's, I think that would be good. It would be a long weekend where Kevin could see how cute Olivia is and Graig and Latka (sp) and the baby is. And just to have Lorraine there would be blessing. And to see Julie and Julies' boys.
I'll go down there for a week and someone will say fuck off Uncle Don because I don't like him/her. If that happens, I will come back to Toronto and not a soul will hear from me again.
I think it is a special family. I'm reaching out to Bob and Julie because if they can't make it then there is no use having a reunion.
Jim and Ger will have everything under control while Kevin and Anita will fret all week and will both wish I wasn't coming down because it's too much pressure on them. And because they really have nothing to do with anything because Jim and Ger will have done it all, they'll forget something really important. It's a given.
Colin will smile and make me happy.
I will look at the women and lust after them (I'm approaching 61 so I can do that).
The liquer will be gone when I get up in the morning.
Pretty well anything will please me. Spagghetti, cheeseburgers, shrimp (and I'm not talking about Kev), chilli. Wow.
Saturday morning (1:07am, sitting around the campfire): "wow, where am i, who are you and does life have any meaning, oh hi Ger, am I dreaming?" "this is for real this time Uncle Don, I hope you won't annoy the Storm Clan this year". "ger?". "yes uncle don?" "why is that river babbling?". "because it likes you". "really, will I kill Kev tomorrow?" "it depends". "on what?". "on whether you go to bed" "oh, true, well just one more ger and then off to bed, how come you are still up?" "because I'm the designated uncle watcher". "which uncle are you referring to?". "vous". "moi?" "oui". "I resent that".
Sunday morning: "hey tyler, I feel so good this morning, I'm glad Jim appointed us to make breakfast this glorious Sunday morning, do you know where the spatula is?". "uncle don we need to find the eggs first and the stove". "that is important, any idea about the bacon?" "no uncle don but shouldn't we make coffee?" "where's the liquer ty, we'll have a shot of that and go from there". "I found it uncle don". "Yay, and of course you know this and I know this, so when uncle jim gets up we must pretend we are trying to make breakfast". "yes I know uncle don, jim would no more let us make breakfast than us flying from here to Toledo". "ssh, he might hear us, here he comes". "where's breakfast, where is coffee?". "uncle jim we were going to ask everyone how they liked their eggs, sunny side up, or easy over?". "give me that spatula Ty, you are holding it wrong". "uncle don?" "yes ty". "we will get credit for this won't we". "of course, isn't nature grand when Uncle Jim is in charge of it"
Monday morning: "Kev?" "yes" "where are we?" "in B.C.". "I"m getting hungry and I need a campfire, why did you take that turn when no one else did?" "because I'm cute". "Kev that excuse is not gonna do it, you have to get us out of this aquarium". "aquarium?" "yes, we've been followed by oricinus orcas (killer whales) while we go around in circles, and you said to paddle left with vigour and so I did". "uncle don?" "yes". "I didn't mean with that much vigour". "oh".
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I'm glad this isn't a pic of Anita. Anita is too nice to be shallow. I've been around the block several times and met billions of people in my life and Anita is one hell of a good person.
The Storm Clan doesn't deserve people like Anita but thank good gawd they are part of the family. And when I think of Lorraine, Brenda and Karri a smile comes to my face. Amazing really, how some (not mentioning any names) members of the Storm clan can be so lucky. Just think of Bob, Jim, Ger and Kev (mentioning names) and remember they are fairly clueless. And I'm trying to be nice.
The Storm Clan was blessed. With the exception of Ger and Justin. And I just eek out a living. I'll paddle I guarantee you. Will I be in a canoe with Kev? If that happens I will have a good time. That wouldn't be a bad thing. I don't mind him actually. I"m sorry to say he is my favourite person in the history of mankind. Which is saying something because he does not deserve that distinction. Actually he does. He understands me and he gets all my jokes and I get his. By the way I don't do tokes. I get carried away and forget who I am. It's important that I know who I am. I'll kill Tyler and Colin who will smile at me while going down the river. Anita and Tyler may be the first ones rammed.
Can I reiterate again. I don't do tokes. I could but then I'll forget Jennifers name and look at Jim and think he can cook. And god only knows what Ger and Kerri will be up to. I presume Karri will be taking off her clothes which I won't complain about one iota. And don't let Karri-man have a toke. To this day, I've never had so much fun watching someone be so funny who isn't trying to. That is what life is all about.
I can paddle. I'm old but I can paddle. If Kev tells me to paddle, I'll paddle. Kev took me through some good rapids last year and I've never been so happy in my life. Ever. If Kevin will put up with me, that weekend will be good. And to see Anita and Tyler and Jim and Brenda and Ger and Karri. But don't give me a toke. I'm listening to a song by Ralph Stanley: Don't mess with me baby. Oh god, I can paddle and toke too. I have in the past not been very good at toking up. Hopefully I won't wonder off into the wilderness never to be seen again.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
By the way I'm above it all. But Jim and Ger continue to ignore me. It's beyond me what they are trying to accomplish. I'll kill Jim and his accomplice Ger. I thought I was their favourite uncle but they must have dredged up another one from somewhere and they are probably showering their love and devotion on him now. I rue the day I changed their diapers when I was babysitting them a long, long time ago. Although I may not have, I can't imagine me doing something like that.
I wasn't a bad uncle. Neither one of them could have survived without me. When they were little they really were bohunks (in the nicest sense of the word). Although cute, Jimmy really was annoying when he was a child. And Ger: he may not have been cute, but he made up for it in heft. I've seen smaller elephants. As a child, Jim was devious. Actually so was Ger come to think of it. And that was the good thing about them.
I won't catch the plane. I did once swear that I'll get back at them. Maybe I will catch the plane and pretend I'm not there. The top ten reasons why Jim and Ger are ignoring me:
10. They have nothing better to do.
09. After Brenda drove me to the airport last year, she was hoping that it would be the last time she saw me.
08. I wasn't sincere enough about how nice Anita's flowers are.
07. I should have been more animated about Karri's gravy.
06. Jimmy hasn't bagged a moose for years so he's taking it out on me.
05. Ger hasn't got over the idea that I might be slightly smarter than him.
04. 'my' family in general are all too busy to care.
03. I'm annoying.
02. They are annoying.
01. I'm disruptive of their lives. I've only just begun baby's. Whether it is with Jim, Ger and Kev or Julie or not. If my health will allow me, I'm gonna 'kick ass'. Get used to it. And don't underestimate me, don't ever do that.
This person doesn't actually associate with the Hells' Angels too often but he does feel comfortable around them. He was raised by a wolf in the wilds of B.C. and learned to hunt small game at an early age. His early hunting expeditions often took him to Creston whereupon he was afraid of Max the Wonder Dog. All he tried to do was pick up a round object 459 yards from Kevin and Anitas. He was playful but Max was not.
But then he became human and grew to love Max. I think Max loves Don the Wolfman more than anyone else but Roy and Kevin may dispute that. Max loves people and I must agree with him there. And to be raised by Anita, Kev and the boys must have been dog heaven. Even with the cat killing grounds of Kevin, Max knew he was safe. Some little kitty would come up to Max and look at him playfully. Max would just rest his head on his paws and think: you are gone, kaput, enjoy life while it lasts because your life is going to be a very short one. And of course the next day at 7am another kitty would bite the dust.
And after all these years Max knows Kevin. He prefers Anita and the boys but he knows once in a while that Kevin will even love him. And when Kevin is is in that special mood, Max knows he will have the most fun. And both Max and Kevin love very moment of the playfull dog/owner relationship. And Jimmy knows that too. Probably more than anyone else. Unfortunately I've been away too long to describe Kodiak. But I know that that was special.
"my favourite? can we start with the annoying ones first?". "No Uncle Don, you have to rate them in order of preference". "I don't prefer any of them" " "Try to rate them, this is a big magazine". "Okay, Jimmy was up there, the first one, and Laurie was so lovable and Robin and Ger were beyond me in cuteness, and Donna made me proud, and Julie was extraordinary, and Kevin and Neil were amazing and Gail was special". "Oh that is nice, who are your heroes?".
"jim and Ger" "why". "because I'm going to kill them". "you cant' kill your heroes Uncle Don they are special". "they completely think they are, but don't ask them about their life, they will tell you and you will be bored to tears, hint to all future unlcle: they normally don't make any sense whatsoever and if you say 'interesting' or 'I didn't know that', or 'wow' they will usually want to talk to you for six or seven days. And especially beware: If you get Jim talking about his navy days then your days are numbered because it's impossible to live long enought for his stories. When I'm there try to steer him away from that subject. These old persons love to digress.
"What about Kev?". "what about him?". "Isn't he a little bit your hero?". "Is this on camera?" "yes" "Kev is okay, he'll bring his game face to the game and I'm pleased he's on my team, even though I can make a better fire than him if I put my mind to it". "what if this wasn't on camera Unle Don?". "annoying". "annoying?". "he might be the only person I look up to re funny". "oh uncle don your scared of him". "only his mind, his body I'll kill with the greatest of ease".
"Uncle Don, do you have any regrets?". "Yes just one". "Oh you wanted to spend more time family?" "That too, but no I would have loved to have seen Vesuvious erupt and now I'd like to see most of mankind wiped out by a catastrophe.". "you mean floods and forest fires?". "Those too".
Sunday, June 11, 2006
"Julie who is that odd person over there who keeps staring at me?" "The christmas geranium". "really, wow, a trillion years ago plants were us". "Are you throwing that dart or what?". "Kev and Ger are really serious, which forehead should I aim at?". "Uncle Don, you have to aim at the bullseye". "not Jim?". "unlcle Don?" "yes Julie". "you are a weirdo". "thanks Julie"
I think the Pickle has been officially retired now but once I bore the brunt of Colin having a driver's licence for one day: we get in the pickle and my head slams into the dashboard when he turned on the cd. Loud? And then as we are going six hundred miles per hour towards town I'm wondering to myself: hello, uncle Don, this won't be a boring time will it. Yay.
I was't too taken aback when Colin drove into the car wash. What can happen? This place is a den of normalcy. I'm okay here. I may get wet so big deal.
Unfortunately the pickle decided to die that day. I assumed Colin knew how to get it going so I wondered around and had a ciggy. "Uncle Don". "yes Colin have you got the pickle fixed yet?". "no, uncle don, we have to push it". "push it?". "Yes and Hal here is going to help you push the pickle". "Whom?". "Hal".
With only slight reservations I shook hands with Hal and got ready to push the pickle out of the car wash stall. It was downhill and so even to me the idea of pushing it sounded okay. Nineteen times me and Hal pushed the pickle while Colin steered (I won't even get into that). On the twentieth push (when boredom and exhaustion had set in) the pickle started! I wasn't prepared and so I got dragged along behind the pickle for 600 or 700 hundred yards because Colin wanted to ensure the pickle was getting the gas. Colin jumped lively and exuberantely out of the pickle (he hadn't done anything, of course he would) and noticed a trail of blood and then looked at me and asked: "Uncle Don, are you okay?". As I woozily got to my feet and brushed the blood off my knees and put the internal organs back where they belong I said: "not a prob Col, not a prob". So we get up to Kev's and I stagger to the couch and Anita and Kev asked in unison: "Don you look terrible, are you okay?". "I'm dying for gawds sakes but it was fun having a nice day with my favourite person, he's cute but deadly".
Saturday, June 10, 2006
At the time, I really thought I was being too harsh on Jimmy when I posted this pic next to his bio.
Obviously not. He could be trying to annoy me but I doubt it. His most recent e-mail indicates that even the Supremo Puba (in-waiting) gets a little testy when hung over.
Now what happens? It takes The Supremo Puba Of All Time six or seven weeks to get over a hangover. Gawd knows how long it will take his eldest son to recover from a hangover when he reaches the throne.
Has The Storm Clan ever had a palace coup? I personally think it's time we did. We need new blood. And lots of of it. Where is the Red Cross when one needs them? Actually Jimmy is okay, he just noticed he's getting old. In unison: Aaaw. I've never received an ounce of sympathy in my life so anyone whom gives Jim any is dead.
So, Monday morn. A beautiful day by the way, the birds are chirping, the smog has temporarily disappeared and I've only thought about how decrepit my bod is a little. I'm fairly happily biking to work along Bloor Street and a car pulls out to turn left and it's in my way. A regular occurance and so I am quite prepared to bike behind the car and continue on my way. Unfortunately the driver is a nice guy and so he backs up...into the car behind him. And let me explain: anyone who bikes in Toronto will tell you that at least once a week he/she comes close to death's door because of drivers who talk on cellphones or just plain don't know how to drive. So hearing the crunch of two vehicles colliding would normally be music to my ears. But I don't get the satisfaction because this driver was being nice. That never happens in Toronto. So I stopped, which I should never have done. Thank good gawd I'm sixty. If I was any younger they would have torn me to pieces.
So on Tuesday I casually mention to a person at work that I must find a better route to get to work. And so Bruce (one of the nicest persons in the history of mankind by the way) tells me that his son loves to bike too and gets him on the phone and his son describes a new route to me. I'm not that great at writing down details but I managed to do it. So after work that day I follow the instructions and I'm quite impressed. I actually stopped at a pond and watched Canada Geese frolic. But unfortunately, I eventually ended up at a City of Toronto waste management site. Thank good gawd for the CN Tower (actually it's saved me many times) so I knew which I had to go. So I backtracked and by a fluke of all flukes I found a bike path that was headed east. I got home by nine o'clock exhausted and too tired to eat.
And Wednesday was uneventful even though I did nod off at work a few times.
Thursday: No prob.
Friday: I didn't heed the forecast. It said 60 kilometre winds by the afternoon. I've biked through that a thousand times. The *&))&%$ forecaster didn't mention the 453 kilometre gusts. As I finally limped into the beer store parking lot near home with bike, life, and limb somehow still intact, I bought one extra king size beer in celebration of me surviving the week.
I loved every single moment of it. And then this morn I was walking back from Tim Hortons and a cute, young gal on a bike smiled at me as she was biking by. It made my day. Hint to the Rest of the World: Life is way too short, enjoy it while it's here.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I'm not at all used to this and so I'll need a come-downance soon. I won't go so far as to say I should put up a tent or make breakfast, but I could pour my own coffee. I still feel hard-done by, by the way. After unsuccessfully trying to throw up last year and staggering to get a coffee, all the liquer was gone.
And the first day hint: It will take me a little while to acclimatize myself from being in downtown Toronto to downtown bush so if I seem weird just ignore it. Since most of you ignore me anyway that shouldn't be too difficult. And put me to bed very early, I'll have a couple of beer perhaps but don't let me get carried away. I'll take after Brenda and Karri-woman, although that may be difficult since they will probably be in bed before I get there.
And last year Karri-man was disruptive. He kept us up all night. Thank gawd I've got two old fogies (Jim and Ger) to look after me. I don't know if it's possible to hitchhike in the middle of nowhere but with those two looking after me, I might have to try it. And can I have lunch on the Saturday without having one foot in the grave? It really is difficult to eat Anita's shrimp with one leg in a foxhole.
I'm done, yay hah. You probably figured out by now I love you all. I'm so completely and utterly lucky.
Me biking sounds lame in comparison. And especially since I just plugged in the frying pan and not the coffee pot and smoke is billowing around me. But I am a Virgo too somehow.
Although Ger is annoying, he has got an amazing, creative streak in him that makes me proud. And actully, when I think about it, so do Kev, Jim and Julie. I guess that is why I have stuck with them all these years, I completely feel comfortable around each and every one of them.
Although Jim can be really annoying. Don't get him talking about his navy days. And Ger is okay except don't get him and Justin together unless one has headphones on so one can tune them out. And Julie is not that bad. Other than being completely cute and having a mind like mine (which must be difficult), Julie can be annoying too. Kev is not a member of the family I don't think. Roy won't admit it but I'm pretty sure Kev was adopted. Someone put this little bundle of something on Roy and Anna's doorstep and they felt obligated to take it in. Too bad really.
One final comment: I was kind of thrilled yesterday when Bob couldn't get his Blackberry or whatever it's called to work. He tries to do the the Messenger thing with me and it hasn't really worked for him so far. Can anyone imagine Bob sitting at a campsite, sitting around a campfire, with birds tweeting around him, and having his latest toy not working? There is a God in heaven after all. But don't tell Bob that. Sssh.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Many families enjoy gardening. Anita really loves it. I try to stay awake while she describes her yard. And it is pretty good.
So to Anita the Green Bum Award goes to you ths month. With your dedication, I'm sure the Green Thumb Award is soon to follow.
It's never been clear to me what these birds have to do with anything in Creston. Tyler, after noting my wallet was bereft, gave me his wallet with the inscription NWTF on it. I presumed that meant No Way The Fowl.
No Uncle Don, it is a celebration. "of what". "turkeys". "turkeys?" "so why aren't we out on the lawn killing them". "Because it is federation and they have door prizes and they eat roast beef" "roast beef?". "yes" "not turkey?". "nope". "So Jim and Ger are attending the Turkey Federation and are going to eat roast beef?" "yes uncle". "why is the turkey federation meeting being held in Cranbrook Tyler?" "because there is too many turkeys in Creston and none there". "I've got it now, so that means the lack of turkey is good?". "uncle don don't be stupid, they are trying to grow them there". "turkeys?". "Uncle Jim calls them fowl". "fowl?" "Uncle jim wants the name changed to the Federation of Fowl". "not the federation of turkeys?". "no uncle Don, Uncle Jim likes the word fowl". "But it's a turkey". "Uncle Jim told me it was a fowl and I believe him".
"how is uncle Jim, Tyler?". "not bad". "has he got big stomach?" "yes". "what about Ger?" "cool". "would you want to eat beef at a fowl party with Ger and Jim Ty?". "I'm not that stupid Uncle Don".
Jim hasn't sent me a photo of the 'real' Britney so I substituted a phoney one. The real Britney is cute and now is a young lady. I could be wrong but the bird and Max loved me the most.
At least they used to, after a year they probably have forgotten about me by now. But when one comes from afar and see's the love in their eyes it's tough to ignore.
Perhaps the 'real' Britney has forgotten that I will never jump on the trampoline. Eek, maybe I will this one time. But I will watch her forever.