Thursday, January 10, 2008

Winter Blahs

Hey, it's the dead of winter and it's been snowing every day for two months and I miss sunshine and it's always dark and I'm tired of people saying: "I'm getting sick of winter" and etc., etc., etc. Here's a few Jerry Seinfeld jokes that I like and they brought me a chuckle.

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

"No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait 'til them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff."

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Horse racing... now here's something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don't even think the horses know they're racing. It's not like they're going back to the barn going "I was first" "I was second" cut me off there, watch that, next time I'll kick your ass." I'll tell you one thing the horses don't know--that if they fall and break their leg, we're gonna blow their brains out. I think they're missing that vital piece of information... if they did know, you'd see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch.

My favourite Steven Wright sayings

When I turned two I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, "If this keeps up, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety."

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

No one is listening until you make a mistake/success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Oh yeah!!!!!!!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.