When I turned two I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, "If this keeps up, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety."
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
No one is listening until you make a mistake/success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Oh yeah!!!!!!!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.