Saturday, April 07, 2007

Pics of Tony Orlando and Dawn.
"uncle don I resent that" "I'm sorry, Tony Orlando and Karri" "I'm not Tony Orlando" "well you should be, can you sing?" "yes" "there you go, what's the prob, I'm pleased I wasn't invited to the wedding, I couldn't have surived you singing 'tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree' one more time.
My e-mail isn't working this weekend so in lieu of that:

Dear niece/nephew/friend/alien:

I think you are a blankety-blank blank. Send money and a change of clothes.

Your dearest uncle/friend/earthling,

uncle don/donald/zeke
It's going to be 19 above in Creston today. And here it's minus 7. Ask me why I'm depressed: "uncle don why are you depressed?" "because when I finally arrive in Creston all the good weather will be used up". "and?" "and it's not fair to have Ger, Robin and Kev enjoying something they don't care one whit about, they don't bike, they wouldn't know a headwind if it hit them in the head" "and?" "and the three point nine million people whom live in Toronto would give their eye teeth for nineteen above but there is this wierd, and very small population in Creston who have no clue that they are lucky and all three point nine million of us hope the wierd and very small population of Creston is wiped out by flash floods, the plague and several nine point nine earthquakes" "and?" "if Vancouver and Calgary meet in the playoffs, which presumably they will, I'm cheering for Calgary" "Robin, Kev and Colin won't like you" "too bad, whippee-effing-do, at least they aren't freezing to death"

"It will be seventeen above in Cranbrook today uncle don" "oh gawd, Jimmy's going to pass out from heat prostration" "you like 39 above with lots of humidity don't you uncle don" "uh-huh, for some reason my bones don't ache and my nose doesn't run when I'm biking in extreme heat and humidity, I should have been born on the Yangtze River delta"

"uncle don?" "yes?" "why are there 3.9 million people living in Toronto and five thousand and seventy-two persons living in Creston?" "I don't know" "Creston is pretty" "yep" "not much traffic" "nope" "the people are nice" "yep" "no smog" "nope" "cherry blossoms in the spring" "yep" "no cyclists in velour" "nope" "a low crime rate excepting for an old guy getting dinged $189 for not doing anything from a two-bit mountie who probably goes home after work and beats his pet hamster" "yep" "uncle don you aren't bitter about that incident are you?" "oh yeah, oooooh yeah, yes, uh-huh, oui, for sure" "uncle don, you got your letter of protest published in the Advance" "that does not begin to cover my annoyance and I get an invoice from ICBC every two months to remind me how annoyed I am" "you can't fight Ottawa (RCMP) or Victoria (ICBC) uncle don" "I can but I wouldn't bother normally, but this invoice every two months is starting to make my blood boil"
And I probably have one of the nicest places to live in history of mankind. Of course I've got Devin the toker across the hall and Nick the Greek upstairs whom is deliusonal but they are okay. I don't know if I've ever explained this but in my apt I have the biggest RCA wooden unit that ever existed. It actually takes up half the room, it's got a turntable and whoever left it here left records. And It has a radio of course. The greatest sound I've ever heard. I mentioned to Kevin once that I listen to classical music. This unit is made for that kind of music.

To continue, one block away there is sirens and a lot of people but here, none. And I only pay $425/month which for Toronto is unheard of. I'm sorry, but I think god looks after me. He likes to make me suffer but He doesn't go overboard. You all have big mansions and space and money. But I'm quite content to enjoy what I've got and muddle through and survive and above all read. I can't sleep at all and I never have been able to. The difference between me here and you all out there is beyond your comprehension by about twenty thousand light years. I try my best not to bring it up and I think I've been more or less successful in that regard. And you continue to amaze me. There may be persons luckier than me, I don't think so but it could happen. I'm not really that aware but I must admit I'm impressed. Even Ty sounded like he was pleased to hear from me. That never happens. And last week I talked to Brenda, hello. She cheered me up.

I'm not worthy. Although the thought of dragging Jim's, Ger's and Kev's bodies behind a logging truck between Nelson and Kaslo has a certain appeal. And then there is Neil. I have to put his mustache to good use. Does anyone know if lip hairs are good for cleaning septic tanks? I'm not sure, but we'll find out. Robin's cute. I'll only use the upper half of his body as a rats nest. I love rats. And then I'm going to tie the five bodies together and raft down the Moyie in August. People from the shore will yell: "is that Jimmybob? without recognizable features and limbs he looks different"

Are we done with the birthdays for awhile. Hello. Not quite yet, Marlene's on Monday. It's only Saturday tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to going to work on Monday. I got something in mind that I should come out there for a week but Ger talked me out of it. And of course the weather here has been terrible so I can't bike. I keep telling myself it's only April but I've seen it in Toronto where there is no spring. May 31st it's winter and June 1st it's 99 above with humidity.

Jimmy complains about the heat in July and August. If I only had that problem. If I hear Jim complain about the heat once more, I'm going to kill him and send his body to an abattoir. And after the slaughterhouse is finished with his bod, I'll scatter his few remaining remains on a glacier in Antarctica, and with his last breath I know he will say: "can we open the window". Life imprisonment is not much of a deterrent for me since I don't have much life left. Is torture still allowed in B.C.? If I hear Jim complain about the heat I'm going to build a torture chamber. And stock it with persons whom complain about the heat.

When I move to the equator, I won't complain. I'm not a cold climate person, I should have been born in Baghdad, the average temperature there is 22 above in April.

Okay I'm done about the weather but as a cyclist, the two hundred kilometre headwind in Toronto is hard to take and it gets a little annoying when it's ten above with a wind chill of minus 55. I'll kill anyone whom complains about the heat.

Love you all except Jimmy, who's bod I'm having shipped to the North Pole by Fedex this summer.