Medieval torture

I have a problem. I have a sudden urge to inflict pain upon certain family members. Actually it's not sudden, the urge has been with me for quite some time. I don't know if anyone is into medieval torture. I am.

Thumbscrews come to mind: Justin? "yes uncle don?" "can I borrow your thumbs?"

Jim? "yes uncle don?" "would you step into the Iron Maiden, don't worry about the spikes that will penetrate your bod from head to toe when I close the door"

Robin? "yes uncle don?" "would you put your chin on the lower bar of the Head Crusher while I put the 'cap' on the top of your head and turn the screw, anyway your head needs to be smaller"

Neil? "yes uncle don?" "could you get on the Rack while I pull your bod in opposite directions, you always wanted to be six foot nine, so you're going to be six foot nine"

Colin? "yes uncle don?" "do you mind if I put you in this iron harnessy thingy called the Judas Cradle and lower you very, very slowly onto the pointy thingy, don't worry about screaming, the castle keep is soundproof"

Ger? "yes uncle don?" "I've always wanted to use the Heretic's Fork, I'm just going to thrust prongs into your chin and sternum, don't worry that you won't be able to move your head and/or talk, the world will be a better place"

Kev? "yes uncle don?" "would you get on the Wheel, don't worry that your bod will turn into a writhing, slimey, shapeless mass of flesh mixed in with splinters of smashed bones"

Tyler? "yes uncle don?" "I presume you won't mind when I impale you by lowering your bod on top of this Pointed Stake and impaling it through your abdomen and chest cavity, it will be uncomfortable for a while"

Uncle vlad, I mean don? "yes?" "I thought we were cute" "you are so I won't leave your bods to rot that long, only a couple of millenia"

Not a soul in Creston thought that the Canucks would win last night.

Amazingly, no one has complained to me about Alain Vigneault. I think he's brilliant but you see him more often than I do.

I got so annoyed that TSN and other 'experts' wrote off the Canucks after game one: "Anaheim will win in four" Mr. Vigneault is a good coach, I knew that he would never let that happen. I hope now that they think they can win. If they get that idea in their head they will be unstoppable.

The game is on.

Unlike Creston, in Toronto you don't see many conifer (pine, larch, cedar or spruce) trees so when the buds on the elm and oak trees in front of the house that I live in start to bud I get excited. In the last few days it's happened. In the winter I don't even note they exist but in the late spring, summer and fall they are fairly prominent. And in this neighbourhood, which is probably one of the oldest in Toronto, and I suppose Canada for that matter, they can be quite stately. But this tree across the street from me, which I think is a black oak, is different. The trunk at the bottom is huge and then about thirty feet up five large branches branch out and then in another twenty feet, more branches branch out, and so on. At the top there has to be five hundred branches, all reaching the same height, at about five or six stories high. In spring that tree goes from being the ugliest specimen of a deciduous tree to being awesome. I find it quite an amazing transformation. Mother Nature, aye.

I hit a wall at 3:45pm today. Not literally of course, but I ran out of energy. Completely. From 3:45 to 5:00 I was running on fumes. It was Friday, I'd kinda worked hard all week, and I was looking forward to my first cold beer. Normally I love to bike home on Fridays with the adrenelin flowing and my legs a'pumping but not today. It was still good but it was nice to get home and relax.

I haven't seen much playoff hockey. The only series I can watch is the NY Rangers and Buffalo. I refuse to watch the Senators play and I'm in bed before anyone out west starts to play so I'm limited in my choice. I'm secretly hoping the NY Rangers upset Buffalo but don't tell anyone. You know who will be in the Stanley Cup final? Anaheim and Ottawa. I'd watch cricket before I'd watch that match-up. In fact I'd watch the first round of the over 65 year old sumo wrestling championships (wouldn't that be an ugly sight?) first.

I used to be the worst person in the history of mankind as far losing. And I haven't changed much. My competitive spirit is still alive and well. I don't mind losing to family members actually. That is not a problem. But at work it's a problem. I gotta do better than anyone else. One would think it would wear off eventually. I presume family members would let me win in whatever game I was playing: "uncle don?" "yes?" "you are cheating" "I don't even know what game I'm playing" "it's called Crazy Eights Pass the Ace" "I should pass a two?" "Only if you have wild card" "which is?" "it depends" "on what?" "if you passed an eight previously and used it as trump, it could be a queen or king" "any beer left?" "no uncle don, it's very simple, think majoong with several tiny changes"

Whew

Well that was a close call. I was pleased to see Trevor Linden score the go-ahead goal, he's one of my favourite hockey players. And no rest for the wicked, they play tomorrow night, we can only hope Roberto Louongo is really hot for the series and some of the would-be scorers finally score some goals.

New pics from ger

Father and daughter.

Mother and son. Sheesh, Lane is cute. Actually soooooooo is Kristin.

Karri and Lane. Aaawwwww.

Shayna and Justin. Well, one of them is cute (not mentioning any names). I suppose Justin is too if one stretches one's imagination almost to the breaking point.

so uncle don, no one is going to want to bike with you when you move out there: "they don't want to have fun? they are afraid they will have the best time of their life" "sez who?" "sez me, 100% guaranteed". "Kev will never go for it" "I know, I just need to get him out once". "granny, I mean Jim will never go for it" "it'll be a challenge" "Robin might want to bike" "I'm not sure, but me and him are going to eventually take our guitars up to the lookout and sing John Denver's Rocky Mountain High while having a toke" "and Ger?" "do you know what I hate most about persons whom bike?" "what uncle don?' "bikers who yap" "we may have a problem" "we will not have a problem, I'll duct tape everything on his bod but his eyes"

uncle don don't forget about kev, he's beginning to itch and be bothered. "I knew I should have left him at home, at the next mountain pass just push him into the gorge" "Granny, I mean Jimmy is fretting also" "sheesh, well there is a crevice coming up which should be wide enough to throw his large bod into" "and Robin?" "hmm, he's cute, a chasm is coming up so perhaps we can use his huge head as a bridge" "and Ger?" "we'll need the duct tape and Robin's forehead to bike over to the next glacier so just hold your hand over Ger's mouth and then throw him him into the canyon after we've crossed the bottomless pit, but keep his teeth as a beacon". Neil is here uncle don. "to rescue moi no doubt, how is his mustache?" "cute" "good, I'll need it to brush off the wear and tear of the trip from my Gore bike wear"

uncle don? "what?" we are rebelling" "from whom?" "youm" "moim?" "you said this was going to be fun and we do all the work" "I presumed you guys were born to spoil me, am I wrong?" "don't have that hurt look on your face, uncle don" "I laughed at all your inane jokes from when you were tots and my bod still hurts from the torture you guys put me through, my remaining life is devoted to making your remaining lives as nightmarish as possible" "I thought we were cute uncle don" "that too, but I still have a throb in my left vortex caused by following one or two of you down a black run" "whom was it uncle don?" "I'm not mentioning any names, but one of them has a mustache and the other one looks like a small, white biafran and has an attitude"

Yay Calgary

It's all tied up! So Calgary, win a game on the road. And the Canucks lost in overtime. A gloom is hanging over Creston.

Toronto forecast: today a high of 18 with nary a cloud in the sky. And on the weekend, highs in the low twenties with not a single cloud appearing on the horizon. It's about time.

I finally went to the doctor this week. Nothing to report other than her sending me for tests. I have to decide what day I want to take off work and go in to the clinic at 9am (I guess it's an all day thing). The doctor is so young, she could be my grandchild. Although she grew up in Toronto, she's spent the last few years in Kelowna and she's been in Creston so we hit it off.

Calgary finally wins

Calgary won last night which is good. And the Canucks won without having to go in to overtime. And, of course, the inept Penguins lost. I watched the Rangers easily beat Atlanta last night, they look pretty good. Jagomar Jagr is playing good hockey. Of course I never watch any western teams play, way past my bedtime.

Toronto weather phenomena

We seem to have some rather odd weather phenomena in this part of the country:

Nor'easter: a macro-scale storm whose winds come from the northeast, especially in the coastal areas of the Northeastern United States and Atlantic Canada. More specifically, it describes a low pressure area whose center of rotation is just off the coast and whose leading winds in the left forward quadrant rotate onto land from the northeast. The precipitation pattern is similar to other extratropical storms. They also can cause coastal flooding, coastal erosion and gale force winds.

Holy moly, the "leading winds in the left forward quadrant" were definitely rotating in Toronto yesterday. I've seen windy but this was hurricane-force. I think I saw a cat fly by the office window yesterday.

Alberta Clipper: A clipper originates when warm, moist winds from the Pacific Ocean come into contact with the mountains in the provinces of British Columbia and then Alberta. The storms sweep in at high speed over whatever land they encounter, usually bringing with them sharp cold fronts and drastically lower temperatures. It is not uncommon for an Alberta clipper to cause temperatures to drop by 30°F (16°C) in as little as 10 to 12 hours. Often, the storms bring biting winds with them, only increasing the effect of the newly lower temperatures. Winds in advance and during an Alberta clipper are frequently as high as 35 to 45 mph (56 to 72 km/h).

This phenomenon isn't very pleasant either. We had several of these this past winter.

I guess what I'm trying to say (in a very roundabout way) is that we've not had any nice weather yet this year. We may never get nice weather.

Sidney came through. And he beat Ottawa. I knew he would (hah). Life is good.

yay

Calgary's road woes continue

The Flames are going to go up in flames pretty quickly this year if they can't figure out how to win on the road. What's with them? By the way, I'm hoping it's Vancouver and Buffalo in the Stanley Cup. And in the remote chance that happens I'll have a tough time choosing which one to cheer for.

And we have light snow (as in we are only going to get 35 centimeters of snow and not 97) in Toronto this morning. This weather could make the most cheerful person in the history of mankind grumpy.

Vancouver wins the first one

Is anyone still alive and kicking in Creston? Vancouver won in the fourth OT period last night against Dallas. That must have been quite a game to watch.

I see Ottawa beat Pittsburgh, agh.....where's Sidney?

Pics of Tony Orlando and Dawn.

"uncle don I resent that" "I'm sorry, Tony Orlando and Karri" "I'm not Tony Orlando" "well you should be, can you sing?" "yes" "there you go, what's the prob, I'm pleased I wasn't invited to the wedding, I couldn't have surived you singing 'tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree' one more time.

My e-mail isn't working this weekend so in lieu of that:

Dear niece/nephew/friend/alien:

I think you are a blankety-blank blank. Send money and a change of clothes.

Your dearest uncle/friend/earthling,

uncle don/donald/zeke

It's going to be 19 above in Creston today. And here it's minus 7. Ask me why I'm depressed: "uncle don why are you depressed?" "because when I finally arrive in Creston all the good weather will be used up". "and?" "and it's not fair to have Ger, Robin and Kev enjoying something they don't care one whit about, they don't bike, they wouldn't know a headwind if it hit them in the head" "and?" "and the three point nine million people whom live in Toronto would give their eye teeth for nineteen above but there is this wierd, and very small population in Creston who have no clue that they are lucky and all three point nine million of us hope the wierd and very small population of Creston is wiped out by flash floods, the plague and several nine point nine earthquakes" "and?" "if Vancouver and Calgary meet in the playoffs, which presumably they will, I'm cheering for Calgary" "Robin, Kev and Colin won't like you" "too bad, whippee-effing-do, at least they aren't freezing to death"

"It will be seventeen above in Cranbrook today uncle don" "oh gawd, Jimmy's going to pass out from heat prostration" "you like 39 above with lots of humidity don't you uncle don" "uh-huh, for some reason my bones don't ache and my nose doesn't run when I'm biking in extreme heat and humidity, I should have been born on the Yangtze River delta"

"uncle don?" "yes?" "why are there 3.9 million people living in Toronto and five thousand and seventy-two persons living in Creston?" "I don't know" "Creston is pretty" "yep" "not much traffic" "nope" "the people are nice" "yep" "no smog" "nope" "cherry blossoms in the spring" "yep" "no cyclists in velour" "nope" "a low crime rate excepting for an old guy getting dinged $189 for not doing anything from a two-bit mountie who probably goes home after work and beats his pet hamster" "yep" "uncle don you aren't bitter about that incident are you?" "oh yeah, oooooh yeah, yes, uh-huh, oui, for sure" "uncle don, you got your letter of protest published in the Advance" "that does not begin to cover my annoyance and I get an invoice from ICBC every two months to remind me how annoyed I am" "you can't fight Ottawa (RCMP) or Victoria (ICBC) uncle don" "I can but I wouldn't bother normally, but this invoice every two months is starting to make my blood boil"

And I probably have one of the nicest places to live in history of mankind. Of course I've got Devin the toker across the hall and Nick the Greek upstairs whom is deliusonal but they are okay. I don't know if I've ever explained this but in my apt I have the biggest RCA wooden unit that ever existed. It actually takes up half the room, it's got a turntable and whoever left it here left records. And It has a radio of course. The greatest sound I've ever heard. I mentioned to Kevin once that I listen to classical music. This unit is made for that kind of music.

To continue, one block away there is sirens and a lot of people but here, none. And I only pay $425/month which for Toronto is unheard of. I'm sorry, but I think god looks after me. He likes to make me suffer but He doesn't go overboard. You all have big mansions and space and money. But I'm quite content to enjoy what I've got and muddle through and survive and above all read. I can't sleep at all and I never have been able to. The difference between me here and you all out there is beyond your comprehension by about twenty thousand light years. I try my best not to bring it up and I think I've been more or less successful in that regard. And you continue to amaze me. There may be persons luckier than me, I don't think so but it could happen. I'm not really that aware but I must admit I'm impressed. Even Ty sounded like he was pleased to hear from me. That never happens. And last week I talked to Brenda, hello. She cheered me up.

I'm not worthy. Although the thought of dragging Jim's, Ger's and Kev's bodies behind a logging truck between Nelson and Kaslo has a certain appeal. And then there is Neil. I have to put his mustache to good use. Does anyone know if lip hairs are good for cleaning septic tanks? I'm not sure, but we'll find out. Robin's cute. I'll only use the upper half of his body as a rats nest. I love rats. And then I'm going to tie the five bodies together and raft down the Moyie in August. People from the shore will yell: "is that Jimmybob? without recognizable features and limbs he looks different"

Are we done with the birthdays for awhile. Hello. Not quite yet, Marlene's on Monday. It's only Saturday tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to going to work on Monday. I got something in mind that I should come out there for a week but Ger talked me out of it. And of course the weather here has been terrible so I can't bike. I keep telling myself it's only April but I've seen it in Toronto where there is no spring. May 31st it's winter and June 1st it's 99 above with humidity.

Jimmy complains about the heat in July and August. If I only had that problem. If I hear Jim complain about the heat once more, I'm going to kill him and send his body to an abattoir. And after the slaughterhouse is finished with his bod, I'll scatter his few remaining remains on a glacier in Antarctica, and with his last breath I know he will say: "can we open the window". Life imprisonment is not much of a deterrent for me since I don't have much life left. Is torture still allowed in B.C.? If I hear Jim complain about the heat I'm going to build a torture chamber. And stock it with persons whom complain about the heat.

When I move to the equator, I won't complain. I'm not a cold climate person, I should have been born in Baghdad, the average temperature there is 22 above in April.

Okay I'm done about the weather but as a cyclist, the two hundred kilometre headwind in Toronto is hard to take and it gets a little annoying when it's ten above with a wind chill of minus 55. I'll kill anyone whom complains about the heat.

Love you all except Jimmy, who's bod I'm having shipped to the North Pole by Fedex this summer.

Happy birthday ty

I don't think there is anyone in the family whom doesn't think you are a good person Tyler. You are annoying but nice to have around. Kill Kev if possible. I'm sorry you've got his genes, not much you can do about, I personally think you should hang him from a rafter until his bod stops quivering. "

Oh, I guess he's okay in a roundabout, completely annoying way. Unfortunatly or not, it will be up to me kill him on the the canoe trip. Which I intend on doing if I'm allowed. I'll have to ask Jim if we will have the facilities for a burial at sea, or in this case, at Moyie. I'll be the first person in the history of the Moyie to mutiny in a conoe and throw the so-called captain overboard and use his body as a bumper. I'm sharpening my scabbard as I speak.

The famous virgo

I talked to Ty yesterday and he seemed to have read the blog. Agh. It's Tyler's birthday on Sunday. He'll be almost half as old Jim and they are both cute except Jim has to rely on his stomach to find his way around. And Ty has to rely on his brains, which is why he's lost most of the time. If one put Jim's stomach and Tyler's brain together one would have a fat inkblot (the Warshak Test, I'm sorry if I go over everyone's head). I'm kidding of course, they are two of my favourite persons. Which brings me to the subject of Ger:

Once every ten years or so I think I'm brilliant, once every five years I think I'm above average in intelligence but 99.99% of the time I know I'm beyond stupid, bordering on the cerabrally-challenged. Ger can't be a virgo, although he fits most of the virgo criteria (angst-ridden, practical, stable, vulnerable yet pragmatic): he's creative more than all of us put together. In our own way we are all special but when I see what Ger can do with iron I'm amazed. And his brain isn't bad either. Some of the e-mails I've received from Ger in the past are unreal, he can talk the talk and walk the walk.

But: "ger?" "yes uncle don?" "you and Justin can be so annoying" "in what way?" "you don't know, did you leave your brain at home?" "I thought we were cute" "did you ever see the movie 'The Mummies'? "yes uncle don I did" "did you note that the mummies were mum?" "they were quiet" "they were mum" "but unc.." "Justin do you have any duct tape?" Yes, but...." "may I borrow it?" "yes but dad is brillia...." "I was only going to put two layers of duct tape on your lips now you get three" "how many does dad get, mmph" "twelve, I hope he can eat through his nose, note how quiet it is all of sudden, I can actually hear the jackhammer" Yay hah.

Editor's note: I don't know what I would have done without Ger, Jim, Julie and Bob. I came so close to jumping on a plane but their phone calls and e-mails were enough. Any less and I couldn't have survived. I keep going back to this but we know. We don't have to see each other every day, it's a given that we look after each other.

Easter forecast

Well as usual Toronto is getting the short end of the stick. Flurries and cold until gawd knows when (probably May). Calgary, Cranbrook and Creston are all going to see sun and temperatures in the teens by Saturday. The only saving grace for me is that the Masters golf tournament and the world curling championships from Edmonton are on during the day time which I love watching. Sheesh, if Toronto and Montreal both win the next game, we will see them play for a final play-off spot on Saturday night. Wouldn't that be something.

Have a great Easter weekend everyone.

Jimmy's 50th birthday

What can I say? I respect no one more on this planet than Jim. And fifty isn't that old really. Jim's only eight in dog years, three in cat years, and two hours old in gerbil years.

And he'd better be in his fifties for twenty or thirty years because when he turns sixty I'm outta here. I will just barely be able to withstand my eight other nieces and nephews turning fifty after Jim in the years to come: "Gail's turning fifty." "whom?" "Gail" "Gail Whom?" "Gail Douvillm" "could you excuse me for a moment?" "certainly, where are you going?" "I'm going to bike to New South Wales, Australia and back, don't wait up".

"Everything's relative, Uncle Don" "I know, Jim's relatively old which means I'm relatively ancient, and there is no relatively about it, one is either ancient or one is not". "Should we not celebrate Jim's 50th birthday Uncle Don, he's alive and doing amazingly well, health-wise". "he hides his pain well and on April 3rd his pancreas will give out along with a few other internal organs" "how can you tell?" "because it almost happened to me" "what prevented it?" "pure, unadulterated luck".

"Uncle Don, as Jimmy looks back on his first fifty years what should he be proud of?" "surviving". "surviving?" "no further words need be spoke". "what does jim have to look forward to in his next fifty years, uncle don?" "really good times I hope, I think for all of us it has been somewhat of a dark period losing Marlene and now maybe Roy, of course overlayed by the ups and downs of getting on with life and enjoying family and friends and work, but for Jim it's been particularly tough with the fire and having to live at either Brenda's moms and a little while at a hotel for so long, it must have been a nightmare" "he survived that pretty good didn't he uncle don?" "he did, and now Roy"

"uncle don?" "yes" "take a deep breath and don't worry about family anymore, they will survive without you, what's with you anyway, get a life". "but..." "they know you love them by now" "..but" "bye"

Two famous virgos

"With an acute attention to detail, the Virgo is the sign in the zodiac most dedicated to serving. Their deep sense of the humanity leads them to caregiving like no other....the Virgo is often gentle and delicate.


"ger?" "what uncle don?" "we are gentle and delicate" "whom?" "us" "and we have a deep sense of humanity" "we have?" "yes, and we are humane" "to whom?" "I don't know, I'd like to shoot something" "I'll aim and you can pull the trigger"

So Donna, Robin, Colleen, Jim, Tyler and Bob are Aries. And Marlene. I'm sure there's more, because I always felt I was an outcast because I wasn't born at this of time year.

I happened to check out a few 'experts' on the subject and noticed that there is absolutely no grounds in thinking that astrology has any foundation in modern scientific knowledge.

Example 1: "Ariens are always overflowing with ideas, schemes and plans to conquer the world, for a well-aspected sun in Aries radiates power and vitality."

Rebuke: I don't see it, although Jimmy and Robin were both overflowing with annoying schemes, plans and ideas.

Example 2: "Ariens are great organisers, full of flair and originality, although usually lacking discipline and the capacity for prolonged effort (minions must be found to do the slog work!)."

Rebuke: I don't know about organizing, but Donna, Jim, Bob, and Robin certainly lacked discipline: maybe they grew into it but they didn't when they were little. I can't talk about Colleen and Tyler of course but as a minion, I do think Bob, Donna, Jim and Robin could have been nicer to me as they were organizing their flair for originality. Colleen and Tyler are just innocent bystanders. Maybe not Tyler, Ill kill him one of these days. I'm thinking of using his body as a launch pad for the next lunar mission. And after it's been fried, I'm going to scatter his ashes on my chrysanthemums.

And then I checked out the compatibility between Virgos and Aries: "Virgo, the Virgin, and Aries, the Ram make a rather odd couple". Hello. "Impulsive Aries makes split-second decisions and acts on them instantly, while you are inclined to agonize over details until the opportune moment has long passed."

Now I'm angst-ridden. My moment has passed. A long time ago apparently. Who brought up this stupid astrology stuff?

Yay hah, I hope Donna had a nice birthday and I hope Robin, Jim, Bob, Tyler, and Colleen will have a nice birthday.

Have a great birthday tomorrow Robin, you still look twenty to me. Well, close. Fairly. Within a decade or three. You probably feel twenty. All the aches and pains are just in your head.
.
Oh face it you're old.

Have a great one!

From Robin

E-mail from Robin:

"Neil was hiking around in the wilderness while I was up in Burns Lake with Marcel at the hockey provincials. Our team placed second and got silver medals. We beat Vanderhoof last year, but they were a determined team this year and beat us 4-0 in the final. We were plannin to drive home thru Jasper, but they closed the road for avalanche control and we had to drive home thru ALberta. We went thru one of your old haunts - Rocky Mountain House. You can almost smell the oil money oozing out of the ground there. Really busy with rig trucks, platforms, etc. 14-1/2 hour drive from McBride thru Jasper, Hinton, Edson, Rocky, Caroline, Cochrane, Canmore, Banff, Radium, Fairmont, Cranbrook and Creston."

More of Neil's ski trip

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To see more of Neil's pics, go to :

http://photoshare.shaw.ca/view/7922240888-1174602242-23049/20

Outhouse

Neil is cute and he doesn't attach names to his pics often. But he did attach a name to this pic: Outhouse. I kind of feel sorry for Stanley Mitchell having had to plod to this building every morning in the spring.

So the Loafs won but so did everyone else. Again, they are not going to make the playoffs. And no one will get fired. It's beyond me how come they allow modiocrity to reign year after year. I'm not a fan of John Ferguson, Jr. And the 905 (the area code of the suburbs of Toronto) persons just sit in front of their sports bar televisions and let let it happen without complaining. If there is one organization I hate more than life itself, it is Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment. They have not a brain. Nil. And of course in the playoffs I'll see nothing but the Ottawa Senators. Never the Canucks, and when the Canucks are on television in the playoffs, the game will start too late for me me to stay up. I don't watch the Senators. Anyone else but not them: I hope they get eliminated early but they won't, they'll win several series, so I won't be seeing much hockey this spring. I'd rather watch Bowling for Dollars than watch Ottawa play. I imagine the expectations are high in Creston regarding the Canucks. For Colin and Robin's sake, I hope the Canucks do well.

In spite of having a good day yesterday with biking to work and all, I did go through hell once during the day. Yesterday I was conducting surveys on catfood. Everything was moving along nicely and I just needed one more survey to complete the study. Just one more. So I dialled a number at 12:57 pm (three minutes before my lunch break): ringy, ringy, hello? "hi mrs. Hildebrandt, have you got three minutes to spare, I'm conducting a survey on cat food" "yes?" "I have a qualifying question, do you have a cat?" "yes (yay, I'm thinking)" "what brand of cat food do you serve it?" "Well, it depends really, I've got 25 cats and they are all fussy" "can you name any brand of cat food?" "not really, I have the grocery store mix and match".

"But what brand do you buy most often?" "are you asking about holistic or natural?" "I'm asking about cat food". "boxed, tinned or bagged?" "tinned" "I don't normally buy canned cat food except if Fritz is in his take-out mood" "whom?" "Fritz" "I mean what brand?" "you'd have to ask Cleo" "whom?" Cleo" "whom and/or what is Cleo?" "the parakeet (oncoming headache)" "how would Cleo know what brand of cat food Fritz ate?" "because Cleo watches Theo spoon the cat food into the cat food dish" "whom?" "Theo" "is Theo your budgie?" "don't be so silly, she's my meditation instructor" "as in zen?" "no, zen is the name of my turkish angora" "where was I?" "you were asking me about cat food young man, do you have a cat?" "no, I have a migraine" "I only feed my cats certain brands" "(ears perk up) aha, and what brands would those be?" "I import them from the middle east"

"Mrs Hildebrandt could you look at a can and tell me if it's in the Armenian, Kurdish or the Hebrew language, I can finish the survey in those languages" "Coptic" "Coptic?" "Coptic, it's got a picture of a pharaonic temple on it" "Mrs Hildebrandt, that's your priceless art, look for a picture of a cat" "aha here it is, IAMNOT" "whom?" "IAMNOT" "if I said IAMS would that set off bells and whistles?"

"No but IAMNOT is what I feed chu chu" "whom?" "chu chu" "Yayhah, so on a scale where one means yucccchhh and 10 means purrrrrr, how would chu chu rate the texture of the Primo Select IAMNOT cat food?" "actually I've been eating Primo Select lately" "whom?" "meam" "what about chu chu, she's probably starving" "my cook does the Porterhouse pretty good, I don't think chu chu is going to starve". "(sigh) Okay Mrs. Hildebrandt how would you rate IAMNOT Primo Select on taste" "two" "whom?" "two" "may I ask a question mrs hildebrandt?" "certainly" "you are passing up a porterhouse steak for IAMNOT Primo Select cat food and you are giving it a rating of two?" "can I say one?" "how about the texture mrs Hildebrandt, what number?" "ten" "aroma?" "ten" "palette?" "ten" "color?" "ten" "taste?" "one".

Mrs. hildebrandt, if I threatened to hang you from a rafter, upside down, and pour phosphoric acid through your vericose veins would I be able talk you into a "five' for taste, I only get paid if I get at least a five" "two" "hydroflouric acid?" "three" "hexacosanoic acid?" "four" "a double bacon cheeseburger with fries?" "ten"

"Thank you Mrs. Hildebrandt, it's now five o'clock but I wish to thank you for your time, IAMNOT thanks you for your time, by the way we've never interviewed a cat so we will send you our free booklet: Why would you not eat cat food, they like it"

Isn't Laurie cute? And intelligent. The Douvilles are up there in IQ's. It didn't bother me to notice they were far smarter than me when they were kids: "uncle don?" "yes Donna?" "the tractomety is somewhat off tract" "is that important?" "only if one is having a seizure" Let's talk to Gail. "gail?" "yes uncle don?" "do the hospital records indicate that I'm normal?" "there is a blip" "a blip?" "a big blip" "which means?" "pretend you are healthy" On to Neil. "Neil?" "yes uncle don?" "I don't feel well" "I've got sonar and I'll map out your progress and we'll get you back on your feet in no time, where do you want your ashes sent?" "ashes?" "Robin, help" "yes uncle don?" "I'm having a trectotomery, a seizure and my hospital records show a big blip and my ashes may be sent to Siberia" "you came to the right place uncle don, I'll flush them down the water system" "whom?" "don't worry, your ashes won't clog up the system".

Whoever took this picture deserves an award.

Friday night at last

I'm having my first beer, listening to Allison Krauss and Emmylou Harris, watching an old movie and writing on the blog......and above all relaxing. Today I biked all the way to work for the first time since last November. Surprisingly it wasn't that bad except for my derriere. I guess it's like getting used to playing the guitar again and having to break in ones fingertips, it takes a little practice. I'm sitting on a pillow at the moment. But it's nice to be 'back in the saddle again'. So nice.

"Uncle don?" "yes twin brother, uncle funk?" "you forgot to mention the near-collision at Bay and Bloor" "I was dragged for only half a block before someone noticed, not really serious" "by the way uncle don, there is conspiracy going on" "a whom?" "a conspiracy" "by whom?" "Anita" "Anita?" "how many pristine pairs of socks did you take with you to Calgary/Cranbrook/ Creston in January?" "eight or nine" "how many did you come back with?" "I came back with six lousy pairs of socks and every one of them had holes in them, and I don't wear woollen, black and or any sock that has an emblem on them" "Kev can't afford socks?" "apparently not" "and another thing Uncle Funk, I have a grey pullover that I absolutely love wearing and it's at Kevin's, I'm not unpacking when I get anywhere near Anita anymore". "she's cute uncle don" "I know but she has a crazed sense of proprietorship, she thinks everything nice belongs to Kevin" "It could be a conspiracy, or maybe not"

"Uncle don, I note you are musing about mountains, especially after seeing Neil pics and they are only geological formations that have arisen over trillions of years" "are you talking?" "and what is the big deal, they consist of rock and trees and quite often they have snow on them, you like them don't you?" "yes, long before quads and skiiing, I looked around me in awe. Even biking down to Porthill to get candy with Ron Potts and John Oleshko I always looked around" "how do you remember their names?" "

I love all the pictures I get sent, more than life itself. But no one should be surprised that I enjoy seeing Neil's pics quite a lot. "no pain, no gain" On the other hand I'd love to spend time in Mexico and Hawaii and on a cruise. I just want to get through the next five minutes. Yay.

Pictures from Neil

These are just a few of the pics from his and Devon's last back-country ski trip, March 10th to 14th from Field to Takkakkaw Falls and then to Stanley Mitchell Hut. I will post more pictures in the next few days.

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Just look at the beautiful country they were skiing through. I can't even imagine how much I would enjoy doing something like that if I could.

The old man taking it easy in the Stanley Mitchell Hut. Neil looks 'quainter' than the furniture. The stove behind Neil looks awfully comforting after a long trek.

Isn't Devon cute.

Spring?

I may have jumped the gun a bit yesterday when I biked part way to work. I didn't realize it was -15 with the windchill. And of course the windchill was blowing directly into my face. That is the first time in my lifetime that my eyeballs were cold. I couldn't pry my fingers apart until about noon. And the white spot on the end of my nose didn't return to normal colour (red) until 3pm.

E-mail from Bob

We're in New York! Cool here, but the sun's shining. We're going out today to see the city. We have a great hotel...morning breakfast, complimentary coffee, and I hear there's free wine in the evening for a couple of hours. Will update you later...we board the boat on Wednesday.

Spring arrives today

It's time to celebrate! Spring arrives this evening. I guess it was appropriate that yesterday, the last full day of winter, it snowed, there was a howling wind, and the subway broke down on my way to work because of ice on the tracks. Today is better (it couldn't be any worse) with a sunny day forecast. I'll ride my bike at least part way to work for the first time since last fall.

Why I drink beer

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, wine or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
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WATER = Poop
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BEER = Health
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Therefore: Is it not better to drink beer and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap?
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There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.

movies

There is one thing that happened that I never expected. Ted Turner has bought movies and I'm watching them on his channel. Thank you Mr. Turner because a lot of these I remember watching them when I was a little boy.

Can I say one thing. I've got Jim, Ger and Bob keeping me posted as regards Roy. I could not have survived without them. Thank you so much, it is so appreciated. I owe them and I won't forget it.

I had a rather strange work day yesterday. There may be eighty persons whom work at Market Probe during the day. Everyone was sent home at noon because of lack of work but meem. It's not because I'm special. I assumed Maria, almost the big boss, hated my guts. Apparently not as much I thought. And Joanne, my immediate supervisor and a lesser boss but a cute one, I love more than life itself. A blond with a mind. And Gord, the big boss, I talk to like he's my nephew. We get along.

And I have a new bike in apartment. I steal glances at it every so often. It's a $99 special at Canadian Tire but it is new. And the other bike is at the bike shop and Evan at the bike shop mentioned I shouldn't ride it because the frame is broken, but I rode it all last summer like that and it is a great bike. Now I have two bikes which is what I need.

As one might expect, I'm starting to waiver as regards moving to Creston this year. I have to have disability money coming in and that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I haven't even gone to a Doctor yet. I may be worthy but I hate to think of that path. And I know you are all cute but you'd get tired of me in an instant: "uncle don, why are you annoying?" "I"m just out on the deck reading the New Yorker" "don't you have place to go?" "not really" It won't work, I can tell.

Of course I'm a little pleased that ger and kev stayed at Bob's last weekend. In spite of the fact that Bob was passed out in his chair at 3am and Ger couldn't awaken him and Kev locked himself into a Foothills Hospital staff bathroom because he felt woozy and he needed time to himself and the nurses were pounding on the door. I think we have a good family, I hate to say "I told you so" but I knew this a long, long time ago. And Brandy going up to Calgary, and Julie being there for Roy. I look from afar and see good things. Roy would be pleased and he may not have realized how loved he is. Not bad aye?

Ger and Kerri's trip to Mexico

A cute couple.

Wow

It is nice here in Toronto today. Warm and sunny. Unfortunately my bike is in the bike shop getting tuned up but I did go for a walk. No wind which is the most unusual thing of all. Had a nice breakfast, one can't be in a bad mood today.

Although I came close. My neighbour has a Bich-Poo, which is a cross between a Bichon Frise and a Poodle. Cutest little thing in the world but it gnawed on my running shoe while we talked. And it wouldn't let go: "Doug?" "yes don?" "Munchkin seems to like my foot" "yes, it seems to be attracted to running shoes that are made in China, but it's cute isn't it" "how much did you pay for Munchkin?" "triple figures" "more than $99?" "much more, it really has taken a liking to you, Cynthia and I are going to the South of France in a couple of weeks would you like to look after Munchkin while we are gone?" "I'd love to, it would be an honour but I'm going to be admitting myself into the hospital and have a mini gastric bypass and I'm expecting post-nasal drip complications" "who's your physician?" "um, ah, oh Dr. Bloemfontein" "THE Dr. Bloemfontein?" "That's him, yes, it is him, you know of him?" "yes of course, he performed lipo-surgery on Cynthia"

So after I got rid of Munchkin and Doug, I walked down to the Sip and Bite for breakfast (which is near my bike shop, I had to see if my bike was being taken care of properly). The Sip and Bite is owned by two bossy Japanese sisters: Misaki and Mizuki. "Ah Mr. Storm you return for breakfast, where have you been?" "I've been busy, this and that, life marches on" "you will have our special, the Klondike Sunday Brunch?" "I think I'll have something different this time, I feel like pancakes today" "whom?" "I'll have pancakes" "Mizuki doesn't do pancakes" "a cheese omelette?" "we don't have cheese or eggs" "toast with peanut butter?" "you are having Yakisuba Noodles whether you like it or not" "can I get marmalade with it?" "no".

And then after leaving the Sip and Bite, I sat down on the bench outside my barbers to have a cigarette and soak up the sun: "Meester Storm, you don't like Luigi and me?" "I love you and Luigi, Pedro, I'll be in for a haircut next week, but please don't bring up the space/time continuum theory as a topic of discussion, it gets boring after a while" "can we talk about the fundamentals of phycological theories?" "perhaps but Luigi is rather set in his ways about giving me a bad haircut" "he's enrolled in a night-school for barbers"

Hi all,

It's warm here today (-2) relatively speaking. And not a cloud in the sky.

Yay.

I am not happy with Kevin. He let me down this time. The Storm's are supposed to be special but he makes a mockery of that thought. If I'm down there for the canoe weekend, and if Kevin is alone in the canoe with me, I'm going to drown him. Drowning is too nice a word. His lungs will fill with water and they will collapse and he will gasp for breath, and then I'm going to drown him. And after he's expired I'm going to use his body as deadweight on the front end of the canoe because I'm a better conoeist than him and I will decide where we paddle: "Kev, you are quiet, oh I forgot your dead" "We are conoeing through this maze of thistles and if you were alive you'd be frightened" "I don't see any family, do you think we are lost, Kev?" "I know you are deceased but could you at least paddle a bit?" "why are your knees so knobby, even when you are expired, your knees are knobby" "and it's your and Anita's turn to make lunch, I'm presuming it will be a good one, I'll do the mustard in your absence, you can look after the canoe while the rest of us eat" "and I've solved one thing by drowning you, we'll have enough chicken wings to go around" "and you won't have to hide behind a tire this evening" "if you were alive I would insist you walk to the highway and lay down on the dotted line and wait for a semi to run over you" "maybe I'll carry your bod to the highway, at least you aren't heavy, and have Justin, Ger and Col run over you with their trucks while we wait for a big semi carrying a full load of liquid nitrogen to appear" "and every autum, Jim and Ger and me will stop by the campsite and look for a lost body" "hello, why did we stop and look for Jen's baseball mitt when I knew it was in Colin's truck the whole time?" "Ger, why are we looking for a mitt when we all know that it is in Colin's truck?" "because we are stupid and are members of the Storm clan" "so it's a complete waste of time" "yes but we have to look" "what if we find it?" "ignore it, it's in Colin's truck" "I found Kevin's body, I guess I didn't bury deep enough in July" "oh this is where he is, I wondered, Delorus did mention that she hadn't seen Kevin for a while"

So I think I will survive, but I just don't do Kevin any more. Don't need it.

Take care everyone else.

uncle

So I don't like Kevin at the moment. He's got his reasons but none of them are very good. He will need the family soon but I guess it takes a while for him. I do apologize to Bob, because he was looking forward to seeing Kevin. It's a Storm thing and Kevin thinks he's better than us at the moment. I think we all worry about Kevin a bit, but yet he won't be one of the family.

I'm not going to be moving down there anytime soon If I have to put up with that. I talked to Logan and Ty and that was fun, but I don't do Kevin. I don't have enough energy left to tell him that he erred.

uncle

It was rather strange today: "uncle don, what is that odd feeling?" "warmth" "I don't see an icycle hanging from your nose" "it is strange to walk outside and not feel pain" "when are you going to ride your bike uncle don?" "when the twenty-four foot snowbanks disappear which could be in August" "are you going to kill yourself uncle don?" "I hadn't thought about it, should I?" "there are extenuating circumstances which behoove you to jump off a tall building" "and what are those circumstances?" "you are angst-ridden and you look pale" "I always look pale, and by the way, conciousness, you don't look that good yourself" "I won't feel pain though which is a plus" "you mean if I jump, you won't feel a thing?" "nope" "nothing?" "nil" "even if I land on my head?" "sorry"

By the way, I'm moving up to Churchill, Manitoba this summer. "where?" "Churchill" "why?" "I'm as one with polar bears" "the ice is disappearing" "I know I gotta see them soon" "when you grow up what are you going to do?" "be a star explorer" "whom?" "buddy, I mean conciousness, I've read nothing but sci-fi for the last five to seven years, I must have read a thousand books of that genre and not one of them could convince me that there isn't something after death" "why do you think that when your analytical mind knows that is not true?" "I could have not gone out west just before Marlene passed away and I so easily could have not travelled out west in January and hugged Roy" "a coincidence" "perhaps but I don't think so"

And if I may say, Francis Collins, the head of the Human Genome Project, was quoted as saying "the genetic code is the language of God" I think so, that does not mean I believe in the scriptures, I don't, but I believe in "something". I've read every article in the New Yorker and many books on comas. And I don't know. But I did play my guitar once with Max in a trailer at Kevins. His tail was wagging and I had my voice: two individuals whom had the greatest time in the history of mankind for a little while.

Weekend forecast/time change

This is a reminder to everyone in the known universe that this Sunday morning at 2am we should move our clocks ahead by one hour (as if I'm going to be up at 2am). Except if you live in Creston. I presume the people whom decide these things realized it wouldn't work in Creston. For example, can one imagine Kevin having to get up an hour earlier all of a sudden. The grumbling and teeth gnashing that would ensue. I wouldn't want to be around him for about a month after the change.

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It looks like we are going to have weather this weekend. It's -6 here in Toronto this morning so I'll only have to wear two layers of clothing to work and not six like I've had to for the past several months (it seems like an eternity). And it's actually getting up to +2 today, with highs of +6 on Saturday and Sunday. There will be celebrations on the street. This is beyond even me: In Calgary, tomorrow will +13 and sunny, Sunday will be +14 and sunny and on Monday it's getting up to +16 with nothing but sun. Well there is obviously going to be a drought on the prairies this summer. Hello. And Cranbrook is getting up to +11 over the weekend with some cloud. And Creston will have a high of +10 on Sunday but at least they can expect a shower or two. Has the Moyie River ever flooded in March? It probably will this year.

Bob's pics

Of course the most important thing it me is seeing the Thames. Although I don't read crimes stories, etc. any more, the Thames was always there. And Bob and Lorraine have shown me pictures of Jordon and so much else. Bob and Lorraine have got the world of travel sewn up. In Jordon, Lorraine somehow managed to sit at the dinner table with all the men which isn't done.

And Bob loves travelling to. I'm hoping they might e-mail me pictures and call me on the cell phone so I could do a running narrative for the National Geographic channel: "yes Lorraine?" "Bob and I are in a laberynth, we are not sure where we should turn" "have you tried left? " "we see mummys" "mummys?" "and an asp" "any sign of Elizabeth Taylor, I mean Cleopatra?" "no, but King Tut is here" "you must be in Egypt" "close, we are in the London Museum of Mummys" "I didn't know there was one" "it just opened" "are there any tombs?" thousands". to be continued.....

More Laurie's pics

I've done a few crosswords in my lifetime: what is a Hawaiian goose, or what is the state bird of Hawaii? Of course it's the Nene, but I did not know they were an endangered species.

As I reflect on the past week, I can only say agh. It was not a good one and it was obviously worse for Jim, Ger, Kev and Julie and it continues.

But if there was one bright side of the week for me was that I felt 'in the loop' even though I'm so far away. Bob was especially good at keeping me up-to-date on Roy's condition and the e-mails from Ger, Julie and Jim were appreciated so much. The one from Julie especially from the I.C.U. waiting room was especially appreciated.

Can I talk about our weather down here for a moment? We got off work early yesterday because of the weather. But I'd planned to go to our local library because I had nothing to read (other than six partially read New Yorker magazines and a few books that are also partially read but weren't turning me on much). And so I still went to the library and it was open! Manna from heaven as I didn't expect it. There was one librarian assistant still on duty and one old guy whom was probably the librarian assistant's father waiting to take her home, since they both glared at me. So I quickly picked out a few books and checked them out and prepared for the seven-block walk home. This library is located next to a huge complex of apartment buildings but I didn't see anyone walking around on the streets. "oh oh" I thought.

So I set out for home and was immediately buffeted by hurricane-force winds. And that is when I was walking with the wind. Then I had to turn against it and walk four loooong walks to get home. I actually heard two persons talking for a bit walking behind me, but I'm sure they were swept away by the wind; gawd knows where they ended up. It's the first time in my life that snow flakes actually hurt when they hit my eyeballs. And I still had a few blocks to go. "Okay, Don, there is no one around, walk backwards for a while into the wind" Obviously that didn't work since I can hardly walk forwards on good days. And the brief time I tried it, I almost walked into my next door neighbour walking her Bluetick Coonhound (rich persons and their 'dogs' don't seem to be affected by whiteouts and blizzard conditions).

But I managed to reach my gate and saw a white house in front of me: "home!" "warmth!" Except the gate was frozen shut because by then the freezing rain had started and there was two inches of ice around the catch. In despair I knocked on someone's door and they unthawed me and offered me a cognac which I drank greedily. Needless to say I went to work hungover this morn.

I might exaggerate a bit but not much.

Laurie and Robert's trip to Hawaii in January 2007

If I needed a lift in spirits (which I did), Laurie certainly provided it. It was tough to choose only three pictures of the ones I perused, but I chose these ones. I will post more in the future.
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I have never been to Hawaii but I can see it is amazing, and with the massive storm that swept through Toronto in the last few days it even looks more beautiful.

Update

From Jim:

"they had to have emergency operation yesterday as they found a blood clot, as well his swelling started up again bad, so they rushed him in. He got out of operation about 7:30 pm, seems to be stable now, again back into waiting game"

And after receiving the above e-mail, I talked to Bob and he said Roy opened his eyes a bit and squeezed Julie's hand. So there may be reason for a bit of optimism.

Update as at March 1, 5am

Julie sent me this e-mail from the I.C.U. waiting room at the Foothills Hospital:

"Dad went in for surgery about 3 pm today to remove a blood clot in the front part of his brain, which in turn will hopefully relieve some of the pressure. The sooner they can bring the swelling down, the sooner they can bring him out of the coma, and there will be less chance of developing pneumonia and other complications , because at the moment the machines are breathing for him, and so he's unable to clear his lungs completely. Of course there can be complications from surgery as well (such as infection), and there's no way of knowing just what the outcome will be. All we can do is hope and pray for the best, and I'll be letting my brothers know how the surgery went as soon as I talk to the Neurosurgeon (whom is apparently world-renowned)."

I talked to Bob later last night and the surgery is over of course and it is now 'wait-and-see'. Bob is going to visit him today at noon, so will know more later today from either Julie and/or Bob.

Update at at Dec 27 @ 11:49pm from Ger

Jim talked to the doc's and of course it's the ultimate doom and gloom scenario.They don't want any false hopes in case something doesn't work out.The swelling on the brain is still occurring and they expect it to stop in the next couple days.This is a normal thing which takes anywhere up to 4 days.After the swelling goes down and hopefully they won't have to operate to relieve the pressure,they will be able to make a better assumption on his condition.They are still doing CAT scans to ensure that the bleeding and swelling are within safe limits.They did tell Jim that full recovery is 30%.His dying is 30%,and his having some sort of brain damage was 30%.What happened to the last 10% is maybe he'll be able to play the piano later ???
Anyhow we are all hanging in there and can only pray for the best..We know he's a tough nut or else he wouldn't be a Storm

Boy I had some good friends in Calgary: Ken Fujikawa, Ron and Glen Higa, Dave Shima, Bob Fujino, and Gord The Dentist whom I can't remember the last name of. I was the only white guy to ever bowl in a Japanese league and be invited to a tournament in Lethbridge and win it. Just what they didn't want. I got hot and bowled ten strikes in a row. And of course I was the only white guy in their curling league and travelled up to Edmonton several times to curl in the Japanese Bonspiel.

And of course I went to Europe with Gord The Dentist and a friend of his in 1968 or 1969. In Amsterdam we saw Jimi Hendrix and we didn't realize what a superstar we were seeing at the time. And drove through Switzerland (which I compare to Creston) and down the Rhone River. Munich was good, the beer halls. So in Switzerland, on the spur of the moment, we decide to fly to Majorca, Spain. We are on a tight budget so we found the cheapest hotel room with a view of the Mediterrean. So me an Gord sat on the 'plaza del sol' every afternoon and and drank cheap red wine and watched the creme de la creme of European society walk by: "Gord?" "yes?" "I'm in love" "with whom?" "I can't actually choose one person but that chick batted an eyelash at me" "she's with Ari, his yaught is out on the harbour" "'I'm in love" "she is taken"

"I wan't to paint" "you can't paint, do you know anything about shades of colours?" "whom?" If you are going to be a famous painter you have be able to paint nudes with there arms extended" "like michangelo" "him to, but don't forget about Ralph" Ralph whom?" "Ralph the sistene chapal painter whom has to pee a lot" "one can't pee a lot when one is painting a mural" "Ralph did" "uncle don?" "yes my son" "you've got the weirdest mind in the history of mankind and in fact there is no one stranger than you in the universe" "that bad aye, I love family" "in fact your bod should be put away...you love family?" "I loved family before it was chic" "I must admit you have never waivered in your love for us in the last thousand years, many persons would have given up" But when I see friends I see friends. It is amazing that I stuck with you guys.


And Neil and Robin. They annoyed me to, although they are cute. It would have been so much easier on me if Marlene and Anna didn't have cute children: "marlene?" "what?" After Laurie, presumably you and Leo won't have any more cute children. I think Donna is about to be born" "whom?" "the cutest child in the history of mankind" "I thought Laurie was." Robin is about to emerge before Donna" "whom?"

So I was thinking, it's not possible to have anyone cuter than Kev, Donna and Ger (whom even then was chubby). "Marlene you can't possibly have another child" "Gail is the last one" "I presume she will be cute, I get tired of cuteness" "Gail will be a little cuter than everything you have ever seen and you will succumb to her cuteness. "I'm above that...she's cute? "yes and so is Neil. I must admit it was fun to watch pregnant people. Anna, if you have another one it will be Kevin. Can we think about this?


Robin was good. He had the biggest forehead of all time"robin, you have a big forehead" "This was before Kevin and Gail existed And Laurie was running rampant amongst the mushrooms. "you can't eat those things, they are deadly, chomp, chomp, chomp" I must admit it was fun to to watch you guys. Cute and special. I'd love to talk to Donna someday. If anyone wants to make to make feel good it would be that. Yes, I think she is more special than anyone else in the history of mankind. I don't know if Donna would ever want to talk to me, but I'd be honoured if she did.

Golfing with Ger

Although Ger looks like he is going to wrestle a steer when he steps up to the golf ball, he gets surprisingly good results: "ger?" "yes uncle don" "how did you hit that ball so good when you appeared to be ready to ride a bull bareback when you unlimbered?" "technique" "technique?" "and mind over matter" "mind over matter?" "I focus" "you focus......on what?" "the little white thingy with dimples in it" "it's a golf ball....g o l f b a l l, try to remember that".

Of course Ger is alledgedly the one with the bad back. Whenever I see him I usually ask him how his back is. Has anyone noticed that he is spryer than a spring chicken when he walks down the fairway after hitting the golf ball three hundred yards? He actually isn't pompous about it even though thoughts of breaking his knee caps with a sledgehammer cross my mind. "uncle don?" "what?" "how far is it to the green?" "two hundred and forty-one yards, use a two wood" "I don't have a two wood so I will use this trusty seven iron" "seven iron, you will be way short of the green" Boink, soar, plop, and roll six inches from the cup: "ger?" "yes uncle don?" "it's a good thing the death penalty has been abolished in Canada, if we were in Texas I'd have you hung from a rafter and watch you writhe, there is a law in physics that says it is not possible to hit a seven iron that far, Newton was wrong I guess, and so much for Einstein's theory although your time/space continuum is definitely warped"

Has anyone noticed but me that Ger is sneaky on the green. He pretends to check out the contour of the green: "ger?" "yes uncle don" "you've got six inches, tap the &*^(% ball in the hole" "I have to take note of the swale" "how can you have a swale when you are within six inches of the hole, do you enjoy excruciating pain?"

And so of course I'm fuming when we are walking to the next hole. A water hole. It ain't the Pacific Ocean but it looks like it to me. "Time for the long clubs Ger, we have to drive over that vast expanse of water" "time for my seven iron" "your whom?" "okay maybe my five iron" "your whom?" Not only does Ger hit the ball over the water, he lands in the fairway. "ger?" "yes uncle don" "I have a pounding headache and my knees feel weak and I feel nauseous" Plop, plop, plop, plop. Four of my balls land in the water. "ger?" "yes uncle don" "I'm out of golfballs" "would you like to borrow one of mine?" "I'd like to string you up and have army ants eat your eyeballs out but yes please"

But I managed to beat him by one stroke. And this was only at Canyon Meadows but it was a delight for me. I also partnered with Ger at Kokanee Springs once. We are competitive and don't like to lose. Why would one play any game if one doesn't want to win badly?

Update

Roy was flown from Cranbrook to Calgary overnight. Not sure which hospital. I will keep this site updated as I get info.

As at 12:37 pm, Sunday. Bob visited Roy at the Foothills Hospital and he is more optomistic about Roy's condition than he was before. Dawn is optomistic too which is encouraging. He has movement in all limbs which is a good sign. At the moment it's a 'wait-and-see' stance by the doctors on whether they will operate in the future. Bob and Lo will visit Roy again this afternoon.

Golfing with Kevin

I kind of enjoy golf. I've even been told by a few that I can swing a club with flair. And after hitting the ball it's enjoyable to walk down the first fairway, maybe not to heaven but at least to hell.

Off the Tee:

Kevin, I'm sorry your name comes up first in my memory. If one does golf with Kevin, wear body armour. And of course as we all know the safest place to stand when one is golfing with Kevin is in front of him. I actually stood behind him once thinking: this spot should be okay. So he hit the ball and it went plink, plinck, plink, plink, plink and then finally it hit me on back of head. It didn't hurt because the ball was travelling quite slow by then but it was quite a shock.

First Hint: If one must golf with Kevin, have 19 beer in the clubhouse beforehand.


In the Fairway:

If Kevin hits a good shot on the fairway (which almost never happens) say "wow". For at least fifteen seconds he'll feel good. If he doesn't (the norm) be prepared for a three wood coming your way at speed. And yes he is trying to kill you as well as trying to break his three wood. And above all don't try to talk him into using a five iron, he thinks he's Tiger Woods: "Kev" "what!!!!!" "it's only a hundred yards to the green" "really, I don't have my glasses with me" "use a quiet wedge, the wind is with you" "I'm using a five iron and hitting it hard" "zooooom" "Kevin?" "yes" "your Titleist DM2 has landed in the club pro's cheese omelet up on the patio and he hasn't noticed that he is going to chip his tooth on a very hard boiled egg" "uncle don don't look, pretend we are golfing" "I thought we were golfing, use your ^$%$^% quiet wedge this time"

Second Hint: If one must golf with Kevin, don't let him choose his own clubs.

In the Bunker:

This could be the most annoying part of Kevin's golf game. Kevin rakes the sand trap before he steps in it" "Kevin?" "what" "now that you've made the sand trap pretty I hope you will hit a good shot" "of course.....whiff" "you didn't hit anything including a ball or sand" "do you want this sand wedge wrapped around your neck or just the pointy end of it sticking out of your gall bladder?" "try again but this time aim for the ball" "whoossh" "I see something white, it's beautiful, it's.... going into the lake.

Third Hint: If one must golf with Kevin, go to a course without sand.....or fairways....or water...or greens for that matter.

In the Lake:

99.99% of the population don't know the extent to which Storms won't take a two shot penalty for an unplayable lie : "Kev?" "mmft" "is your scuba gear airtight?" "mmft" "rembember it's a Titliest Dm2" "mmft" "how is the breathing apparatus?" "mmft" "what iron do you want?" "mmft" "a nine iron, yes of course, good choice, there is a camera crew here and they want to catch you in slow-mo although I imagine slo-mo is all you can do. Get a fish while you are down there, I'll want some sushi later.

Fourth hint: If one must golf with Kevin, take breathing apparatus.

On the Green:

"Kevin?" "what" "that is my Titliest Dm5 you are about to hit" "where is my Dm2?" "you drilled it from the water , it went in the hole, that is the most amazing golf shot I've ever seen, you will be on ESPN" "what did I get in this hole?" "nineteen, but still that is quite amazing, ESPN has decided to put you on both their Fishing for Sushi and Golfing Without Pain programs, you'll be famous"

Fifth and last hint: If one must golf with Kevin, take a jug of whisky, pain killers, a fish net, a lot of golf balls and prepare to have fun. I enjoy it.

Recap:

I once golfed with Jim in Saskatoon and he got a hole-in-one. The golf ball never left the ground, it went merrily on it's way, me and Ken Fujikawa watched it slowly wend it's way down the fairway, up the green and into the cup. Hello. And Ger is actually a pretty good golfer. He doesn't get many points for style but the ball does seem to respond. My next golf installment will be about Ger. There is intrigue and pain involved which is not surprising.

I'm worried about Creston: "uncle don?" "what, I need a nap" "the lawn needs cutting" "by the way where is the highway?" "down that-a-way" "I'm not well" "why not uncle don?" "it's only my third day in Creston and I'm ready to keel over" "you came from Toronto and you are ready to keel over already?" "it's the high altitude" "Toronto and Creston are about the same altitude actually". "it's the bugs, I'm being eaten alive". "the misquitoes died off with the frost last weekend". "my lymph nodes are acting up again" "you had them removed remember" I presume Kevin will be a slave driver, at least I hope he is. Not in a remote chance will I listen to him of course.

One thing sticks in my mind and I wasn't there. Roy and Kevin being timekeepers at a hockey game. Kevin was quite young so the onus was on Roy to keep time. I could tell you from six hundred and fifty-three thousand miles away that that isn't going to work out too well, there will be problems. And there was. Everytime I hear the story from Kevin, I roll around on the floor laughing because it is a classic event in the Storm history. I love stories where one tries so hard but doesn't quite succeed. That is me so much. I could tell a thousand stories about me and my exploits and it is refreshing to hear about others.

One thing I noticed about myself is that it took me a little while to come around after I'd been away for so long as regards blending in to the Storm/Creston way of thinking. I've got it now. Okay it only took me a couple of seconds, for others it would have taken years. Being around Ger and Kev for me is quite special because they are crazy. It drives me crazy at work. There are about four or five stand-up comedians at work whom haven't quite made it yet. I've gone to see them all at comedy clubs because they are friends. The one that could be a super-star does his own material and it's pathetic, but I'm never going to tell him that.

Watching John Miller was a treat for me, not necessarily what he said the way he said it: his eyes would light up and whatever he said you knew was going to be really funny. Anna had a sharp mind in her prime, I've never enjoyed talking to someone so much as her. Anna got me more than anyone else who has ever lived. By quite a bit actually. Anna almost knew what I was going to say on the phone. Several times I got off the phone with Anna and said: "whew, I just met my match" as sweat was running down my brow.