A Mexicali Babe

Who knew Ger liked women who smoke cigars? Many, if not most, members of The Storm Clan look at the bod first. And what is even odder is that Ger likes his babes holding a blue glass with a straw in it. Ger doesn't really care about....you know...those things. The rest of The Storm Clan are beneath him, he has principles to uphold. The cigar, the blue glass, what else is there to behold? I'm two crass. I'm a pair of crassness.

The Storm Clan Guru

Jim, the self-appointed guru of the Storm clan decided to fish. He caught fish. He had fun. He had a toke and a drink. He slept.

End of story.

Old time religion

It had to happen. Roy, The Supreme Old Fart Of All Time, turned religious. I was hoping he would wait until he passed on but no he has to do it now. He is pictured here after he made the twenty-five minute, arduous trek to the hidden cross which is situated due west of Kev's marijuana garden.

We are all behind you Old Supremo.

A hostage taking incident

Although the family pictured here appears completely normal, it isn't. You'll note that the person pictured on the far right seems to be under some discomfort. Who wouldn't be disconcerted after being abducted and being forced to have a great visit with Justin and Kristin and then having a gourmet meal after? I'm hoping to be abducted by Jamal, I mean Ger, again and forced to sit in their hot tub for a while with a glass of vino in hand. But of course I've never known any Storm clan member to truly enjoy the good things in life, as in hot tubs. Normally they are used once and then ignored forever thereafter. Whereas I would be in it everyday, but I'm not normal.

Not to forget, the person pictured on the far left is the noted mafia don, Dino. Dino is the only person who actually knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. And his sister Myheldafred, pictured next to Dino, has been indicted for, to quote the rap sheet: 'coyness while not being caught for stealing the hearts of others".

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

Some members of the Storm clan tend to have noticeable mood swings on a daily basis. Case in point: Kev. One time when I was in Creston, I tiptoed around when he came home for lunch while poor, deprived Anita was at work trying keep the family afloat. I spent hours making him soup and a bacon and cheese sandwich. And of course I tried to keep the sandwich warm for him and what he does do? He spoons the soup down in an instant and then falls asleep. I was crushed he didn't want the sandwich at that point in time. Just because he wanted to eat it as an afternoon snack didn't allay my feeling of ineptitude as a chef. And then he woke up, stomped around a bit and grunted something that I took to mean 'later'.

And later that evening, me, Max, the boys and Anita and Roy are watching the Canucks. Kev literally walked over me and Roy to get to his seat and generally caused an upheaval and/or uproar throughout the game (of course I loved every moment of it). And so this is a picture of Dr Jekyll. Mr Hyde we don't really want to see a picture of. It's a good thing Mr Hyde exists though. A really good thing.

editorial

It has come to my attention that I'm on an e-mail list of several unidentified (Kerri and Julie) sources who continue to send me "cute" pics and perportedly 'funny' jokes. The Crabbyshack doesn't appreciate these.

Karri doesn't do it often and besides she looks awfully cute in a bikini so I'll forgive her just this once. But Julie has confirmed to me that she is either adopted or being held hostage in her own mind.

No true Storm clan member would send "cute" pics to another Storm clan member. It's not done. The Storm family has values to uphold. And referring to my STORM FAMILY VALUES manual (which was written by our dearest and oldest Storm family member Claudius the Noxious) I note a clause that says, quote: a member of the Storm clan can do anything in the world except send 'cute" and/or perportedly 'funny' jokes to another member of the Storm clan. The clause goes on to say that is perfectly okay to dismember them, maim them, hang them above a hot fire by the ankles for seven days, etc, etc. The normal things.

A Storm tribunal is discussing the matter. Julie (aka specimen X) may have to submit to a DNA test. The tribunal may take all the blood out of specimen X and remove any 'cute' chromozomes and replace them with the required 'crabby' chromozones.

Until then specimen X, I mean Julie, is under watch. Any more cute behaviour on her part will be reported to Donald The Crabby IV.

The art and collected works of Jim, Ger, Julie and Kev

I can't find any but I'm searching. I'll find it. Jim was the first born. Everyone clap. And Ger came about because Roy and Anna were bored. And none of us actually know why Julie was born. And Kevin. An act of desperation.

Refer all questions to Roy, the last living fossil. Uncle Don is probably not the one to turn to since he hasn't figured out how to tie shoe laces.

Atonement, or Not?

As the sun sets on another day in Santa Barbara, it has come to the attention of this blogger that the bloggees are getting concerned about the updates on my blog.

In the interests of my self-preservation, this blogger should, in the future, only portray the life and times of Ger and Jim in terms of the way they think it should be portrayed. They truly believe that their lives consist of being God's gift to everyone, being downtrodden but yet rising above all the flotsam and jetsom of life and thus being heroes to those lucky enough to know them and, of course, having the complete confidence in themselves to know they are right all the time.

But I've never heard Brenda or Karri mention those being Ger and Jim's good traits. In fact, I've never heard Brenda or Karri mention Jim and Ger having any good traits at all. When I'm in doubt, I always side with the women, it's always worked for me.

So I will continue to tell the 'truth" as painful as it might be.

(Editor's note: This ad payed for by the Karri/Brenda Fund for Assisting Annoying Husbands Whom Think They Are Meaningful (KBFAAHWTTAM)).

Upcoming Events

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Jim and Ger have become quite active in the aged community since they found out that they are going to be granddads.

Jim was appointed Chairman of the National Committe of Old Farts. Ger is the First Vice-President-elect.

Normally, the convention is held Biennially on the Wednesday following the anniversary of Lawrence Welk's death. But Ger talked Jim into holding it annually on the Saturday preceding the birth of Methuselah. A dance contest, held in conjunction with the convention, was discontinued in 1985 because Guy Lombardo passed away.

Jim and Ger are quite progressive as far as old farts go. They decided to hire a consultant to encourage more old farts to join the old farts association. Roy, The Supreme Old Fart Of All Time was chosen to pick the consultant. He didn't have to go far: he chose Don, the Current Old Fart Supremo. "Don, Old Fart Supremo, how do we get more members?" Ger asked. "who are you, young fart are you a member of the farts association?" Supremo Don asked. "yes oh supremo I am and I have question, how do we get more farts?" "Ah, yes, well I have been training a young fart to take over my throne: The Iron Fart Throne" Supremo Don said. "Oh Sepremo Fartness, whom would that beith". Ger asked. A roll of drums: "Funny you ask". "it will beith Kevin The Regurgitation Fart on the Fifth Behafth". Ger and Jim in unison: "We have a young fart to take over an old fart and he will bring many fart members in".

"Yes", Roy The Supreme Fart Of All Time said "Yay", Don the Supremo Fart said, "ooh" Ger and Jim The Up And Coming Farts sighed. "all hail Kevin The Regurgitation Fart".

From the Archives - A Weekend Camping Trip

Last May, while Kev, Ger Colin and Jim decided to stay at the campground, the fairer sex decided to drive into Yahk to buy beer, whiskey and cigarettes. Of course the girls were talking a mile a minute and Anita, the driver, didn't notice the Moyie River had risen so much that it was flowing across the highway.

Pictured here, from left to right, are Anita, Karri, Jennifer and Brenda. Note that Anita was doing all the work, Karri, Jennifer and Brenda were just trying to warm their hands.

Alf, the Greyhound bus driver volunteered to take them in to his motel room to warm up, but Tyler drove up just in time to rescue them. The four of them went back to Creston and bar-hopped, while Kev, Ger, Colin and Jim stewed around the campfire. Finally, after the whiskey ran out they jumped into Ger's truck and headed to Yahk. And of course there was even more b.s. going on and so Ger drove right into the water. They had to pay Alf, the Greyhound bus driver $500 to pull the truck out.

A good time was had by all, especially the women and Tyler.

The B.C. Water

Grandfathers-to-be are popping up all over. There seems to a problem. We don't know yet whether Jim and Ger are granddad material. They will of course have to change their lifestyle. No more booze and tokes.

This is a "before" pic taken years ago on a Saturday night when they were celebrating Father's Day (that's Jim on the right). When Brandy and Kristin have their children, Jim and Ger are going to celebrate by attending the Old People Anonymous dance at the Legion Hall. It's held every other Monday afternoon to accomodate those that need to be in bed my seven o'clock. They will have a mentor to confide in, namely their aged Uncle Don. Unfortunately he won't be much help because he'll be drinking beer, having a toke and biking around Yahk as he continues his quest of finding the source of the Goat River.

(editor's note: the above was written by Dan, Don's evil twin. Don of course isn't stupid and he looks forward to having the tent made for him, and whom hopefully won't throw up before he goes canoing this year)

The Canoe Trip

It was actually Kev's idea but I was certainly quite willing to participate. Kev said: "would an exploding nuclear warhead draw anyone's attention on this canoe trip?". As I sipped my beer and toked my toke I lazily asked: "what megatonne is it?" "19". "is that celcius or fehrenheit?". "celcius". "well then it can't hurt". "hey Kev, that's not bad can we do this every year?".

(editor's note: the ash you see include particles of the funny hats (thank good gawd), jim, ger, Engineer Bob (a freight train happened to be going by) , Anita, Brenda, Karri, Tyler, Jennifer, Colin and all of our campground.

From the Recent Archives

We all know Colin has had his up and downs. This was not one of his better days. He meant well...he was just trying to pilfer the best Christmas tree in the history of mankind. What happened was that him, Tyler and Kevin decided to get up really early on December 19 of 2002 and drive around the flats to find a really good one.

Kevin saw this beautiful tree farm and so they decided to really get up close so he wouldn't have to walk much. And so they did. Unfortunately the tree farmer had alarms placed on a scarecrow dressed up as Santa. It was quite an exciting pursuit and Colin missed the owner by inches but did hit the Santa head on.

Tyler took this picture of Colin just before the RCMP were due to arrive and just after Kevin caught a ride home from Huscroft.

The Storm Family Mascot

Most families don't have a mascot. The Storm clan does. This mascot was recruited mainly because of its nose. It is large and it can smell. And its glasses can see through pretensiousness. And the white hair is a bonus in order to add an air of quiet civility. The mascot has several useful purposes: It can be paired with anyone, in any game, and everyone knows that the mascot's partner will lose; the mascot will appreciate every meal it is fortunate enough to be served and will treat the meal with the reverance it deserves; the mascot's eyes will glaze over quite often around Kevin's table because the mascot will have no idea what anyone is talking about; the mascot will wonder who born Gerald because he really is funny; and finally the mascot will look at Jim with respect as always.

The Future of the Storm Clan

Apparently there isn't any. I'm kidding of course. Scientists and nutritionists have recently discovered that beer is tremendously healthy and can prolong life (and make it lot easier to cope with). Thus there could be many Storms who live to be a ripe old age in the next millenium. Ornery and ugly, and ripe.

Editor's note: Please send any angry letters to D. Storm, Box 100, Novosobrusk, Russia.

From the Storm Archives

This is a picture of either Colin or Justin. The reason for the uncertainty is that neither Anita or Bonnie or anyone within a hundred miles wanted to take credit for borning this ahem, beautiful child.

As it turned out, it didn't really matter, they both turned out to be useless. But in fairness they have contributed to mankind in a positive way: they make the rest of us look good.

Editors note: Actually Colin and Justin turned out better than could ever be expected considering they had Kevin and Gerald to look up to. It's the old theory of relativity again. If one is related to Kevin or Ger, things can only get better.

Don's Lament

The clouds are a coming
The winds are arising
The endless highway is ahead
And I've lost all my tread
Only 174 kilometers to go to reach a phone
I must phone God and pick a bone
Why did You allow me go on alone
When I could have stayed home and done the atone
If I survive this I promise I will always be good
And never be crabby and sit there and brood
I'll love everyone and think they are smart
Although there will be a few I'll worry about
I'm hungry and thirsty and tired too
Gawd help me I'm stupid and where is the loo?

A Family in Crisis

This is a picture of the survivors of the 'great snowstorm of '93'. It was taken in Kevin's basement just after it was discovered that help wasn't on the way. Some members of the family received second degree burns when they had a toot and brushed against the furnace, several others were maimed when Colin (the cute little boy in the front row standing in front of Kevin) threw darts at them, and quite a few became ill when Tyler (the adorable baby sitting on Anita's lap) threw up on them. Max finally saved the day by getting underfoot causing Kevin to scream so loud that rescuers were able to locate the house using hearing-ear dogs (they didn't have seeing-eye dogs back then).

Cuteness personified

I took this off of Bob's website:

http://www.bobstorm.com/

Wow!!!

Reflections on nature

Nature. Each and every member of Roy's family has their own feelings about nature. In his prime Jim challenged nature and became a local legend in his own mind. Ger, on the other hand, doesn't need adventure, he loves water, fish, sand and sun. Consequently most people think he is weird. And Julie. Did we define nature? Does it have to be outdoors? I may or may not have seen Julie watering a plant once. And then there is Kevin. Kevin is one with nature, as long as he is the only one. I took this picture when I was scouting sites for my ashes to be scattered. It's in New Zealand but whoever is delegated to scatter them must adhere to certain principles when he/she is standing on top of the rock bluff with the urn in hand: be sombre, my ashes will be crabby; have a beer in hand even if you don't like beer, my ashes will thank you; don't stumble or my ashes will kill every bone in your bod; and finally burn the letter from The New Yorker telling me my article is finally accepted.