I love Logan but I never get to see him much. In spite of his annoying smile. Actually it's not, it's nice. To a point. Depending on how high my lust for killing is when I see him. I may only maim him although that doesn't seem painful enough. I wonder if Logan would mind being chopped to piieces, skewered and then his bone marrow used as bird carrion.

For those whom aren't family reading this let me explain. Nope, I won't, I don't have to explain myself. One has to be a Storm to understand me and even then it's iffy. I love my family that is all I care about. Certainly I want some of them to be chopped up, isn't that normal for any family? If it isn't it should be.

Jesse Green from the New York Times looks at my blog every day so I can't give it up. It's a tradition. Certainly I won't mention my employer's name any more. I forgot that I shouldn't

Winter Blahs

Hey, it's the dead of winter and it's been snowing every day for two months and I miss sunshine and it's always dark and I'm tired of people saying: "I'm getting sick of winter" and etc., etc., etc. Here's a few Jerry Seinfeld jokes that I like and they brought me a chuckle.

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

"No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait 'til them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff."

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Horse racing... now here's something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don't even think the horses know they're racing. It's not like they're going back to the barn going "I was first" "I was second"...you cut me off there, watch that, next time I'll kick your ass." I'll tell you one thing the horses don't know--that if they fall and break their leg, we're gonna blow their brains out. I think they're missing that vital piece of information... if they did know, you'd see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch.

My favourite Steven Wright sayings

When I turned two I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, "If this keeps up, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety."

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

No one is listening until you make a mistake/success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Oh yeah!!!!!!!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

A woman of few words

A woman went into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died.’”

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown dead. 1983 pick-up for sale.‘“

Deathbed wish

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

What's with the snow? Sheesh, Toronto had a record of +15 yesterday. I know, it's winter but agh I'm tired of it.

I'm watching CNN and Hillary is winning the New Hampshire primary. Yay, I like her but I do like Obama too. Hard to believe that a women or a black person could very well be the next President of the U.S.A.

See you all soon.

I got coffee beans and a coffee grinder from Ger and Karri for Christmas. Gawd this coffee is good. For those who love coffee like I do, it really is the only way to go.

Colin and I went over to Kev's last night to watch the hockey game (it was on pay tv). We had veal cutlets and Kraft Dinner for supper. Wow that was good, I may have to upgrade my opinion of Kevin slightly. From completely inept to almost always inept.

Another branch of the Storm family is Jen. I like people who like the colour black. I get along with them pretty good.

I can't imagine a life without Karri-woman, Kerry-man, Jen, Tiana, Anita, and Brenda. They are all great.

Before I get into trouble I'm going to bed. Yes it was nice to see you all together and planning a trip. To possibly imagine Jim, Ger, Kevin and Julie together on a holiday is something I thought I'd never see.

You all deserve it so much, being a Storm is not easy because we aren't normal. And I know everyone has got their own ideas of what is fun. But think of what you have been through and realize that it's now or never: Jim is going to get the flu, Kevin's blood will be smeered about, Ger's fist will be aching and Julie will be dancing with the band. Maybe not in that order but pretty well.

I guess I love you four a little bit. I just wish Roy and Anna could have given you better manners. No not really, they did good. They could have done so much better. Sometimes I've wanted to kill you all and drop you from a skyscraper but I always had my mothers genes in me which said: If you kill them you'll go to prison; which held me back somewhat. If I had to choose, I'd kill Kevin and Jim first. Get them out of the way and then concentrate on Julie and Ger. I'm not good at holding a grudge so I'll just garrrott them in their sleep and be on my way.

Of course I have to eat well, I've got more planning to do. Julie can cook and Ger can cook and Jim cook. Kevin is useless. He's gone, and then I'll decide.

Thanks all, I love you.

uncle d

Pictured are the survivors of the trip to Mexico. They washed up on shore and a fisherman phoned me and said: "Senor I've got three people who washed ashore and they gave me your number" "Their names?" "Julee, Karee and Neetee" "I don't recognize those names, are they cute?" "No Senor"

"are they annoying?" "si"

"are they loud?" "si"

"how much are you going to give me for taking them? "many pesos" "how many?" "millions" "billions?" "si"

Two carpenters

Carpenters are actually people. It took me a while to realize that. I always thought they were monks with hammers. The gentlemen in this picture are not monks nor have I actually seen them with a hammer.

Just a hint: Don't ask them about saws, they'll go on forever, they aren't bad people.

This is one branch of the Storm family. I'd normally turn them in and collect the reward money but Cody the Cat is in the picture so won't.

This branch of the family likes to live in small towns and thrives in the underbrush. The alpha male on the left particularly likes to fall off his chair and annoy everyone as do baboons, monkeys, etc.

There is the neanderthals and then there is this group of humanoids. I'd take the neanderthals most of the time. Although this branch of the family is cute, they are very dangerous. Approach with caution.

Did I mention how good Julie's Christmas Day meal was? I don't think I've had any better. And I also feel completely comfortable going to Julie's place. Logan is a little annoying - actually no he's not, he's the best and he's always got a smile (mischevious though it is).

Someone bought me three pairs of Toronto Maple Leaf socks. I'm wearing a pair and they lost six to one to the New York Rangers. So it will be a frosty day in hell before I wear them again. I'm certainly not wearing them during a Leaf game. And I wore a Canuck cap the other day and guess who lost? The Canucks.

So myself, Kevin and Tyler now have digital cameras. Guess who isn't going to take pictures? Kevin. Gawd, the three of us were in Grannies today eating and Kevin noticed that someone parked too close behind the Rav. He stood up and was ready to run out of the restaurant and attack whoever did it. He needs to take several hundred anger management courses. He couldn't survive in Toronto, he'd be shot, bludgeoned and stabbed to death fairly quickly. But I can understand it, ooh gawd I get it.

I'm reading sci-fi again. Thank you Julie.

the family from hell

This is the first time I've published a video on my blog. Let me know if you can see it. It's a short one. So I'm taking a picture on Christmas Eve with my new digital camera and Kevin opens a bottle of champagne and aims the cork at me. Hello. that scared me a bit. I'm going to kill him. When? Soon.

Christmas was good. My family is too good to me in every which way. It's a little overwhelming. I was completely surrounded by the persons I love the most. Even Louie loved me.

Roy and Anna? "yes don" "Can I make a few suggestions on the way you should have brought up your kids, you born them" "Roy is napping at the moment but I'll listen to you" "Anna, Jimmy has a problem". "with what?" "he really hasn't grown up" "that's bad?" "no it isn't and I've never, ever seen him without a smile and I've never heard him say anything bad about anyone" "so what did we do wrong?" "okay I'll give you that, the first one turned out okay, it was a fluke". "Ger seems okay don" "Ger thinks you and Roy ignored him because he wasn't the first" "that's a misconception, I was just a little tired after lugging him around and we took him everywhere, I should have gotten a medal, I didn't have the energy to take pictures" "I don't have to tell this but Anna he's more like me than anyone else" "I should have killed him" "no, meaning he's kind, generous and wierd" "that would be you" "hmm, I remember that you guys were were great parents, so why did you have any more?" "we wanted a girl" "Kevin isn't a girl" "no he isn't" "were you disappointed Anna?" "I was a bit" "So Anna why did you let him get away with pretty well anything he wanted to?" "normally I didn't, they didn't get away with a lot and they worked their asses off but you know Don, you have to give them leeway and Kevin took it like no other kid could do." "and to watch them think they could out-scheme us was fun"

"And then you had Julie, was that fun?" "no it wasn't but it was worth it" "in what way?" "Roy had a daughter and I was finished raising kids" "Anna, my mother held Julie and my mother was a saint" "Don, Julie has been through it all and she's raised three great kids" "and Anna, she's back with who she should be with"

"And how were my sons and daughter on this christmas day?" "well Anna you get them all together with Anita, Kerri, Karry and Brenda and it's going to be a good time. Along with the kids. It's loud, boisterious and tremendously noisy" "but I'm home, and they all make feel so at home, you and Roy would be proud of them"

"we are playing ping pong up here" "okay I'll kill myself and join you soon"

Yay hah,

donald

Hey, my blog just got it's 1,000th hit. Who would have thought?

I'm making spaghetti for supper so I'm into the vino. The beer certainly wasn't going down very well. And the 'Nucks are playing and Terry Rendek phoned and said I don't have to work tomorrow, so life is good. I still have Christmas wrapping to do but I'll do it tomorrow.

I talked to Jim and Brenda last night, it had to be about midnight when they phoned and I have no idea what we talked about. I was up at Kevin's last night and got a ride home with Colin. What a nice new truck he bought, unbelievable.

I had lunch at Jimmy's Pub today and ran into Robin and Karen. They were there with their hockey teams but I did talk to Robin for a bit. They are all going to Donna's for Christmas Dinner. I guess Neil is trying to arrange a ski outing to Fernie in February and Robin would like it if Jim, Kevin, Julie, and Ger and spouses could go so he will probably be phoning sometime in the new year.

I've had a cold or something for the last month or more and have been feeling lousy but I'm feeling better, it could my sinuses or I'm dying. It felt like it at times. Gerry survived, so I guess I will too. So what will 2008 be like for the Storm family? I'm pretty sure someone will drive off a cliff or suffer calamitous injuries of some sort. Let's try to make it until the canoe trip. I may start up a monestary and we'll live in it and never go out. We'll eat bread and drink wine while we play Trivial Pursuit all day. Actually that doesn't so bad.

Hello......it's snowing. Do we need six feet of snow for Christmas? Although I see the forecast indicates rain for tomorrow. I guess I must be in Creston. I went to Julie's for supper last night (yummy). I go to the bank today (I had today off) and Colin walks in. And so we had coffee and drove around a bit. In some ways Creston is a little bit like heaven for me.

Although I've noticed there is some wierd people in this town. Quite a few actually. Many. And I still can't get over how nice people are. Unbelievable.

Yes, it will be a Christmas. For all of us it will be quite a gap not having Roy in attendance. I presume no one will let me die for a few years. Hello. Put me on life support if you have to. In a vegetative state if necessary. I really haven't felt that great since I turned forty-two. And that's twenty years ago. All I need to do is get through winter. Think about it. A person is sixty-two so I've had to endure sixty-two winters. Some in Creston, some in Calgary, some in Rocky Mountain House and some in Toronto. Every single one of them was bad. I think I'm a Jamaican. It got mixed up somehow. I love warmth.

Jim: "I hate hot weather, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it." Uncle D: "are you crazy, you *&&^%*&^% person. If you weren't Roy's eldest I'd kill you right now". "In what way?" "a chainsaw" "a chainsaw?" "yes and then fly both halves of your bod over the North Pole and drop both of them onto the tundra." "I don't think there is any tundra at the North Pole" "I'll find some"

"Donald?" "what God?" "Im gonna take you soon, do you have any last requests?" "yes about a million of them" "you get three and I'm being kind" "three?" "And I'm in a bad mood so make it snappy" "I'd like to collect old age pension for forty-five years" "no one has ever done that, why should I grant you that?" "because it will drive all the insurance adjusters crazy" "that would be good, your second wish?" "On my 100th birthday I would like to kill someone" "whom?" "anyone really, I'll be really cranky so it doesn't matter, anyone will do" "And your third wish?" "I'd like to fly" "where?" "anywhere" "whaddya mean anywhere?" "I want to be a bird and fly, south I guess" "you can't fly south" "what do you mean God, all birds fly south where it's warm" "Not all birds fly south" "I want to be a goose and fly in the v formation." "you can't" "why not?" "the problem being Don is that it's all booked up." "I can't fly south?" "no you can go north"

"God?" "yes Don" I don't want to collect old age pension for forty-five years" "no?" "I don't want to turn into a bird and fly south" "no?" "can I can kill someone?" "no" So you want me to stick around here for a while and keep an eye on the family?" "yes" "do I get paid for this?" "oh yes, you will get paid" "how much?" "you will find out, there is no currency in heaven" "but I'm not in heaven yet" "I haven't figured out the Storms yet, Roy, Anna and Marlene are up here making all the angels feel bettter about themselves (which they didn't need by the way)."

"How is Anna God?" "she is a little annoying" "in what way?" "Donald there is no smoking and drinking up here and Anna found the key to the fridge and she keeps complaining about the beer not being cold and she keeps butting out her cigarettes on the pure, white clouds which Mother Teresa is getting annoyed at" "and Roy? "I don't know, he's napping" "and Marlene?" "she's not bad, she's looking after the angel's kids while the angels are learning to hover" "so you don't need me for a while?" "no, look after them down there for a while, it's a little too crowded up here at the moment, we can only take so many Storms at one time" "how are Mom and Dad?" "your Mom is refereeing the annual angel food cake bake-off and your Dad is filing saws for the Late but Great Sawmill Society of the Northern Constellation" "they have sawmills up there?" "no but he made us buy a green chain and it's been noisy ever since"

"God can I give you a heads up?" "certainly" "eventually you are going to be getting Jim, Ger, Julie and Kevin" "so?" "are you sitting down?" "yes" "your life is going to be hell" "in what way?" "Jim is going to want to hunt" "hunt what?" "elk" "that is a different heaven, we don't have elk here" "and Ger is going to want to kill geese" "what's a geese, that's not my department" "and Kevin is going to want to kill cats and dogs" "there is no killing in heaven" "and Julie doesn't kill animals but she cooks them" "we don't cook up here we have take out" "and of course I'll precede them in arrving up there and I'm very impatient, in fact I fly off the handle when I have to use a can opener"

"Donald there is hell" "have you ever turned down a Storm from heaven?" "my hands are tied, I've been informed I can't" "by whom?" "oh their is a Storm on the Heavenly Board of Directors, it's really annoying but He has the final say" "you have a boss?" "it's the new chain of command" "we are doing okay down here, let's keep it this way for awhile, we are not perfect but as the Great Grand Poobah of the Storm family I will vouch for them" "okay but you have no control over them" "true" "you have none, nil, and zero control over them" "no that's true, they wouldn't follow my advice if it hit them in the head" "the point being?" "they are cute, is that enough?" "maybe just this once, have a good Christmas Donald, you deserve it"

"thanks God"

Christmas

I'm fairly enthustiac about Christmas this year. I get it somewhat. I hear Ger and Kevin being 'grinches' but I think they like it too. I love the family get-together thing. It used be that Christmas was about family, food and frivolity. I think Coco-Cola ruined it, they brought in the cute Santa Claus more or less to the North American public and then the commercialism set in.

Thank you all for making me feel at home,

So I wear my Comfort Pioneer underwear up to Kevin's and Anita's. Why did I wear longjohns up there? I guess I wanted a heart attack. And several other layer's of clothing. It was warm. Remind me not to do that again.

I could be so wrong, but there might be a new Max. Probably not. I'd hate to see everything I predict happen. I like to be wrong once in a while. So far I've been correct in everything: I can predict the Storms. Are Storms nice? Let me think about that one. I am. But would you want to run into any of them in a dark alley. Yes I guess I would. Bad question. Would you like to have them run the United Nations? Yes. Would you trust then with your life? Yes. Are you a good writer Uncle Don? Yes, but I need encouragement. I need everyone's help. What a presumptious thing to say but I'm pretty good. Jesse from the New York Times thinks I'm okay.

My dialogue between him and me is slighty different between me and you guys. Obviously it would be, I keep abreast of the Broadway shows he reviews. I never know if you all believe me or not and the last thing I care about is if you do or not. I've got a few friends out there. What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to dumb down? Russ from c-jay in Calgary wants to see me and have a beer. I'm smart and I'd like to show it. I really would like to show it. I don't know how I do that. I'll kill you all first . Slowly. If one adds the usual annoyances.

First of all I kill Jim, and use his bod as a something or another, I'll figure it out;
Ger is the second to go. I think he should be shot or crucified. Whatever the intense pain will be isn't intense enough.
Kevin will be shot, shot, killed, quartered and his bod will be flayed. and his bod will be displayed in a museum in complete agony.
Julie's bod will be used as a recepticle. She's cute so maybe not. I'd prefer to use her head as a bookmark but I don't think that will work. `

Anita and Tyler are very excited about Christmas, I'm pleased about that.
don

Uncle D